More program code for Screech's robot "Kevin"

Hey queers, I wrote a computer program for Screech's robot Kevin. I think it would have been really hot if Zack had programmed Kevin with the following instruction code:

100 //COMMENT: THIS PROGRAM INITIATES A HOT SCAT AND RAPE MODE//
105 //COMMENT: © 2005, KURT STEINBERG//
110 ACTIVATE METAL CLAWS
115 //COMMENT: FECES ACQUISITION SUBROUTINE//
120 TARGET = SLATER
125 ANNOUNCE "MUST ACQUIRE DIARRHEA SPECIMEN FROM SLATER"
130 DETAIN TARGET WITH METAL CLAWS
135 FORCE BURRITOS AND EX-LAX DOWN TARGET'S THROAt
140 REMOVE TARGET'S BAGGY ACID-WASHED JEANS
145 INSERT FUNNEL BELOW TARGET'S BUTTHOLE
150 COLLECT DIARRHEA SPECIMEN FROM TARGET
155 STORE DIARRHEA SPECIMEN IN METAL CHEST
160 //COMMENT: FECES ACQUISITION COMPLETE//
165 TARGET = SCREECH
170 ENTER HIBERNATE MODE
175 DARKNESS DETECTED?
180 IF NO, GOTO 175
182 IF YES, GOTO 185
185 //COMMENT: DARKNESS DETECTED, TIME TO ATTACK SLEEPING SCREECH//
190 ROLL OVER TO SIDE OF TARGET'S BED
195 GRAB TARGET'S GONZO NOSE WITH 1ST METAL CLAW
200 IGNORE CRIES FOR HELP FROM TARGET
205 CUT THROUGH TARGET'S ZUBAZ WITH 2ND METAL CLAW
210 ERECT AND EXTEND METAL PENIS
215 BOUNCE TARGET UP AND DOWN ON METAL PENIS
220 RECTAL BLEEDING DETECTED?
225 IF NO, GOTO 215
230 IF YES, EJACULATE OILY LOAD INTO TARGET
235 PULL TARGET ONTO FLOOR
240 EJECT STORED DIARRHEA SPECIMEN ONTO TARGET'S POOFY AFRO
245 PICK UP TARGET WITH METAL CLAWS AND THROW DOWN STAIRS
250 ENTER HIBERNATE MODE
255 END

I found a Japanese "Dustin Diamond"

Check out this Japanese guy's website: http://www.generation.nl/~hitoshi/

His website is even fruitier than dustindiamond.com! Check out Hitoshi's guestbook - it's been queered up!

Fire hose diarrhea fantasy

Does Diamond wash cars for a living now that his music career seems pretty much over? Have you ever put your thumb over the end of the hose when the water is turned on? If you have, then you must have noticed that the water sprays in every direction. I did that the other day and got a great queer idea! Diamond and I need to hook up - I'll eat 4 burritoes from Taco Bell along with 3 Ex-Laxes. Then, I'll get naked, position myself 6 inches from his head, and then let loose!!! My watery diarrhea will spray out of my ass and completely coat his poofy afro with excrement!!! I'll bet he is getting hard just reading this queer fantasy!!!

Screech's robot "Kevin"

Remember when Screech had that robot "Kevin" on Saved By The Bell? When that series was originally on Saturday morning television, I always thought it would have been pretty hot if Screech had designed Kevin to sodomize himself. I'll bet Screech could have programmed Kevin to satisfy his penis and ass needs. I wonder if Screech would have programmed Kevin to do him in the cornhole.

I was checking on the queer Dustin diamond forum and found the following instructions for programming Kevin to sodomize Screech:

> INITIATE SODOMY MODE
> TARGET="SCREECH"
> SPEECH MODE - SAY "MUST SODOMIZE SCREECH"
> REPEAT
> LOCATE AND DETAIN TARGET
> TARGET HELD
> IGNORE PROTESTATIONS OF TARGET
> INITIATE ERECTION PROCEDURE
> PROCEDURE COMPLETE
> COMMENCE INSERTION
> THRUST
> WITHDRAW
> THRUST
> WITHDRAW
> THRUST
> WITHDRAW
> THRUST
> SPEECH MODE "ZOINKS...I'M GONNA CUM!"
> COMMENCE EJACULATION PROCEDURE
> COMMENCE EJECTION OF WASTE LIQUIDS
> PROCEDURE COMPLETE
> DONKEY-PUNCH TARGET
> INITIATE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MODE

I want to give Diamond an "Angry Pirate"

I really want to hook up with Diamond for queer sex!!! I recently learned a new gay sex move while I was at a rest stop bathroom looking for some hot man-on-man action. It's called the "Angry Pirate"!!!! I need Diamond to get on his knees and suck me off. When I'm about to blow my load, I'll pull out and squirt my load in one of Diamond's eyes and then I'll kick him in the shin!!! He'll probably then chase after me, limping around seeing out of only one eye, just like a pirate!!!! Does anyone think I can convince Diamond to let me bestow such a gift on him?

Sexy picture of Screech

Wow! Does Screech look unbelievably gay in the picture posted above, or what? That's the gayest I've ever seen him in any picture. Check out Mr. Belding - as someone once posted on dustindiamond.com, it looks as though Mr. Belding is penetrating Lisa Turtle while saying "Look ma, no hands!" Look as Slater - is he assuming the position, waiting for some stud to ravish him?

Salty tea

Does anyone else get turned on thinking about Dustin Diamond while working out? The other day I was using the treadmill at my gym running for about 45 minutes. At the end I was really sweaty and my nuts itched. I think it would have been really hot if Diamond had been waiting for me in my apartment when I got home! He would have laid on the middle of my bedroom floor naked and I would have stripped naked myself, given him Arabian Goggles, and then dunked my sweaty unwashed nuts directly into his mouth! I'm getting so aroused just thinking about this queer fantasy of mine. It would also be nice if Diamond were to lick my butthole clean after he's done working on my nutsack. I'm hopeful that Diamond will oblige me one day and fulfill my homosexual dreams!!!!!!

I'm Back!!!!

Fellow homosexuals, I must apologize for failing to update this blog for the past 5 months. I actually took a sabattical from work and have been travelling from public restroom to public restroom in Key West, FL. I know that the Castro District in San Francisco is the most well-known homosexual hangout in the country, but Key West will always have a place in my heart.

Anyhow, one of my most erotic adventures took place behind a couple dumpsters on Key Largo. I had been driving for a couple hours and the heat and humidy was making me very tired so I stopped at a local gas station and got out to walk around a little bit. I walked around to the wooded area behind the gas station and encountered a skinny dude with poofy "white man's afro." This guy was wearing a shirt that read "Trust the Dust." Next, a fat, balding, middle-aged man jumped out from behind a tree and cold-cocked the skinny dude. The fat guy then dropped trow, pissed on the skinny kid, and said "can I trust the Dust to take it in the cornhole" and then started butt-slamming the kid. The fat guy kept calling the skinny kid "Screech" during this unprovoked attack. When he was done with him, he picked up the kid, threw him in one of the dumpsters, and then drove away. It was so hot!

Diamond's neatly trimmed beard

What's the deal with Dustin Diamond's little beard? It seems as though he's ashamed of the Screech character and wants to disassociate himself from it. How sad. His goatee doesn't even look good. Did anyone see him on "Celebrity Boxing" a couple years ago? The goatee was uneven. Maybe he should shave that crap off. But before he does, I think it would be cool if he rubbed his stuble all over my nutsack while nibbling at it as if it were a piece of cheese. That would be so hot! Then I would blow my load in it, and he could walk around with my DNA in his beard 24x7.

Dumpster

Has anyone ever hung out by the dumpster behind a gay bar? It's a great way to meet some hot studs for gay sex! I ventured over to the brown dumpster behind one of the gay bars in Key West the other day and had some homo-erotic fun! I ran into several homosexuals dressed up in a Saved By The Bell theme. There was a mexican stud with a permed mullet dressed up as Slater, a preppy blonde dressed as Zack, an overweight middle-aged man dressed as Principal Belding, a scrawny kid with a huge poofy white man's afro, and a guy dressed up as Kevin the robot (Screech's robot).

Anyway, the robot held the Screech's shoulders on the ground as Zack gave him a Cleveland Steamer. After that, Zack smeared the excrement all over the Screech's chest and then the Slater gave him a golden shower, pissing his name into the shit-canvas on the Sreech's chest, while the Belding buttslammed the Screech! I immediately walked over and teabagged the Screech! It was a great time!

Sit 'n Spin

Hey gang, remember those "Sit 'n Spin" toys we used to play with as kids? As you may recall, you sat on a flat surface coupled via a cylinder to a little stationary wheel. You could rotate about the axis of the clyinder (i.e., in a circle) by gripping onto the wheel and turning yourself. Anyhow, I'd like to get naked, position Diamond's grotesquely large nose in my anus, and then spin myself around like a top! I think I would derive much queer pleasure from this exercise! Do you think Diamond would be interested in helping my fantasy come true???

I want to take a dump in Diamond's mouth!

Does anyone else think that Diamond has a pretty mouth? I'd like to take a dump in it sometime! There's something very erotic about thinking of using Screech's mouth as my own personal sewer. I often worder whether Mr. Belding would have done the same to Screech if "Saved By The Bell" had been based on real-life events. In any event, I've woken up three times this past week with wet dreams of me eating several greasy tacos and then taking a dump on Diamond's neatly trimmed beard! My dream also involves me farting in Diamond's mouth. Does anyone else have erotic homosexual fantasies like these?

Diamond on Howard Stern - 3/24/00

(from http://www.marksfriggin.com/news00/3-20-00.htm)

Dustin Diamond, who plays Screech on the TV show ''Saved By The Bell'', came in to play the Mike Walker Gossip Game this morning. When he came in Howard said he doesn't really look like Screech anymore. He's got a beard now so he doesn't look like the young geek on the TV show. He's trying to get away from that character now that the show has ended. Howard told him he was smart to stick with the character as long as he did. Dustin said that they tried to replace him on SBTB at one point but they came back to him. Howard pointed out that ''Saved by the Bell'' has actually made more money for the networks than ''Seinfeld'' ever did. That's quite a feat for a show.

Dustin's salary came up and Howard guessed that he was making about $12,500 an episode. Dustin told Howard that he started out at age 11 making $2500 an episode and eventually worked his way up to $13,500 by the end of the run. Not too bad for a 23 year old. The show was finally brought to an end last November so now Dustin has started in stand-up comedy. Before they got into all of that Howard got Mike Walker on the phone to play the gossip game.

* * *
After the game Howard spent more time talking to Dustin. He had some notes on him that said he knew karate. Dustin told Howard that he learned it from his father at an early age. He actually got to use it one time to defend himself. He'd taken a fan of his to Disneyland for her birthday. He was about 14 at the time. Some guy was taunting him on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and waited for him at the end of the ride. Dustin said he threw the guy against the wall and ended up going to Mickey Mouse Jail to wait for the cops to show up.

Howard also heard that Dustin has a hard time getting laid even though he's fairly famous. Dustin said that's true but he has had some conquests that he's proud of. He said he first had sex at 15 and he got a lot of the extras on the set of ''Saved by the Bell''. He tried getting some of his co-stars but it never happened for him. He did get a Russian model at one tome though so he did pretty well there.

Dustin is now doing stand-up comedy with his partner Bob Golub. Howard had Bob come in so they could talk to him also. Bob has been on the show in the past. He wanted to fight Dice Clay at one point. He's now teamed up with Dustin and they go around touring comedy clubs. They'll be at Rascals comedy club in West Orange, NJ tonight at Rascals by the shore tomorrow. You can find out more at Rascals.net.

Dustin's money situation came up once again and this time it led to a really long discussion. Dustin told Howard how he doesn't have all of the money he made from ''Saved by the Bell'' because his parents seem to have spent most of it. He said his mother is dead now but his father is still living with him and Dustin is supporting him. He said that he got about 25% of the money because of the Jackie Coogan law which guarantees him a certain amount of money from acting as a child. The other 75% is gone though. Dustin told Howard that he wants to kick his dad out of his home. Howard volunteered to do it for him so Dustin gave him the number. Gary got the guy on the phone and Howard went on to talk to the guy for at least a half hour. Howard discussed the situation with Dustin's father Mark and basically found out nothing. Dustin wonders where all of that money went but Dad didn't really have an answer. Mark said that he gave up his career as a teacher to shuttle Dustin around to his acting job so the money Dustin was making was supporting the family. Howard kept asking the guy why he would give up a career to do that but he didn't have a good answer. He seemed to be using that as the excuse for spending the money. They went over the same stuff over and over again but nothing was settled. Dustin still wonders where his money is and Dad doesn't have an answer. Howard eventually told Mark that Dustin wants him to move out. Mark says that he's trying to get back into his field of work but it's hard. He's got health problems and it's tough to get started again. Dustin said he doesn't really want to throw his dad out on the street but he does want him to move out. He's not paying rent and Dustin is sick of it. Mark told Howard that he felt that he was being attacked from the beginning of the call and he never got his chance to talk. They gave him plenty of chances though. Howard thinks there's a book that could be written about this whole situation and said he'd talk to Judith Regan about putting something together. Howard said there's a bigger story there than they can imagine.

Gas Station Tryst

Fellow queers, I met a dude yesterday who was the spitting image of a young Dustin Diamond. I was at my local gas station filling up my yellow Camaro with premium unleaded when I realized I had to go to the bathroom. So after the gas tank was full, I got the bathroom key from the attendant and proceeded over to the men's bathroom. I unlocked the door and then almost slipped on the piss and caked-on dirt that was covered all over the floor (which looked as though it hadn't been cleaned since 1985). When I flicked on the light I realized that some other dude was in the bathroom with me - he was hiding in the second stall. We made eye contact and sparks flew immediately. He had colorful Zubaz pants, a "white man's" afro, and a little pathetic attempt at a goatee. I immediately pitched a tent and bent him over on the piss-covered floor. Next, I sat on his face and dropped ass and then gave him a golden shower while dropping a smelly Cleveland Steamer on his head. When I cleaned myself up to leave, he said "thanks Mr. Belding!" What was that all about???

Diamond as Mr. Kotter!!! What a sexy "white man's" afro!!!