"Mr. Belding Teaches Screech Not To Be A Bathroom Stall Hog" episode recap

Hey Screech, remember the episode of Saved By The Bell: The New Class where the Bayside cafeteria had "Taco Tuesday"?  Remember how greasy the tacos were?  Remember how the tacos gave everyone gas?  Remember how much fun you had that day because the Bayside hallways and classrooms all reeked of the smell of ass as a result of numerous farts?  Remember how you snuck into the boy's bathroom and sat down in one of the four stalls and listened to students sitting in the other three stalls while taking dumps and ripping ass?  Remember how your masturbated vigorously to the sounds and smells in that bathroom?  Remember how you were in absolute ecstasy?  Remember how Mr. Belding was lifting weights in the bathroom at this time?  Remember how strange it was that Mr. Belding was lifting weighting in the boy's bathroom instead of in the Bayside weight room?  Remember how it also weird that Mr. Belding was getting a workout in the middle of the school day instead of performing work in his office like a normal principal would do?  Remember how all of a sudden Mr. Belding really had to take a massive dump but was forced to wait because all of the stalls were being used?  Remember how Mr. Belding noticed your feet below your stall door and recognized your Zubaz which were down around your ankles?  Remember how Mr. Belding got really angry and kicked your stall door open and saw that you were jerking off your tiny cock?  Remember when Mr. Belding kicked you in your bird chest, knocking you off the toilet? Remember how instead of using your toilet after knocking you off, he pulled down his trousers, squatted over your face and then ripped a heinous wet fart in your face?  Remember how nasty that fart smelled?  Remember when Mr. Belding proceeded to expel an enormous dookie into your mouth?  Remember when Mr. Belding then grabbed your head and used your Jew-fro to wipe his ass clean?  Remember when Mr. Belding then viciously sodomized your anus?  Mr. Belding sure taught you a lesson about being a stall hog that time!

"Screech Gets Gets Promoted to the Janitor's Closet" Episode Recap

Hey Screech, remember that episode from the seventh season of Saved By The Bell: The New Class where you walked into Mr. Belding's office and saw him eating an entire can of chocolate cake frosting?  Remember how you uttered "Zoinks!" and reminded Mr. Belding that he already weighed 400 lbs and that he needed to watch when he ate?  Remember how Mr. B got really red in the face and you feared an imminent beating?  Remember how Mr. B instead thanked you for your suggestion and then said that you had been doing such a great job that he wanted to give you your own office as a reward for your valued services as his unpaid assistant?  Remember how happy this made you as you thought that you had finally earned the respect of your hero?  Remember when he led you down a hallway to a small door which had a sign on it which read "Screech's office"?  Remember how Mr. B said that your office was the old janitor's closet but that he would get you a bigger office once the budget for the next fiscal year was approved?   Remember Mr. B opened the door and you saw a chair and a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, but you didn't care because you finally had your own office and would now finally get the respect you craved?  Remember how there was a small 3 inch by 3 inch sliding window located in the door about three feet above the ground?  Remember when you asked why that was there and Mr. B replied that it was your mail slot and not to worry about it?  Remember when Mr. B suggested you walk into your new office and then you happily did?  Remember how Mr. B then shut the door behind you and locked you in?  Remember when you said, "ha ha, real funny, Chief?"  Remember when you heard the sliding window in the door open and then you saw that Mr. B unzipped his pants and dropped them to the ground and then pressed his bare ass against the hole in the door before ripping a 10-second long wet fart?  Remember how bad it smelled?  Remember how there were no windows or vents in your new office and Mr. B slid the window closed after ripping his repugnant fart?  Remember when how you begged Mr. B to let you out and you could hear him laughing and hi-fiving some Bayside students who saw what he had done?  Remember how the sliding window then opened again and you assumed that Mr. Belding was giving you some fresh air to breathe?  Remember how concerned you became when Mr. Belding inserted his massive penis into the hole and then pissed all over you?  Remember how for the next four days Mr. B and numerous Bayside students repeatedly farted, pissed, and shit on you as you remained locked in your new office?  You sure learned not to criticize Mr. Belding's eating habits that time!!!

"Screech Gets His Own Office" episode recap

Screech, remember that episode where Mr. Belding finally gave you your own office when you were his assistant at Bayside?  Remember how you had been begging him for years and he got so sick of your whining that he finally relented and agreed to your request?  Remember how the only room available was a former storage room which had no ventilation or windows?  Remember how this did not upset you, as you were just happy to have your own office as it was a sign that you were a success even though your position at Bayside was an unpaid intern position which you had already had for 5 years?  Remember how the day after you moved into the new office Mr. Belding  left at 11:00 AM to eat lunch and purchase a couple cakes to eat by himself that afternoon?  Remember how your boss, Corky from Life Goes On, stayed in Mr. Belding’s office while he was gone to make sure you did your work?  Remember how Mr. Belding’s favorite lunch restaurant was  a pizzeria down the street which served large deep dish Chicago-style pizzas?  Remember how the restaurant sold extra-large deep dish pizzas meant to feed a family of six?  Remember how Mr. Belding would eat three of these by himself with extra meat toppings such as pepperoni and sausage?  Remember how Mr. Belding returned from lunch and set two chocolate cakes on his desk?  Remember how Mr. Belding said that the pizza was really good that day and that he had 7 refills of Mountain Dew with his meal?  Remember when he belched really loudly?  Remember how Corky laughed?  Remember when he walked into your office and asked how your work was going?  Remember when you started answering and then he suddenly turned to face the door, dropped his pants, and ripped a loud and long pepperoni fart?  Remember how it was as loud as a fog horn and was powerful enough to blow papers off your desk?  Remember how bad it smelled and your office quickly stunk?  Remember how Corky fell over laughing?  Remember when Mr. Belding then walked out of your office and then locked the door, trapping his fart in there with you?  Remember how the lack of ventilation or windows meant that his fart could not escape the room?  Remember how you banged on the door, but Mr. Belding wouldn’t let you out?  Remember when Mr. Belding finally unlocked the door 45 minutes later and you were happy as you assumed he was finally done messing with you?  Remember when you quickly realized that Mr. Belding was not close to being done tormenting you, as he dropped his pants and then peed all over your desk and carpet and then locked the door again until his puddle of urine evaporated into the air you were breathing?  Mr. Belding really got you good that time!

"Screech Contracts Down's Syndrome" episode recap

Screech, remember back in 1990 when Saved By The Bell was being filmed on the lot next to the Life Goes On set?  Remember when Corky from Life Goes On wandered onto the Saved By The Bell set one day while a Bayside scene was being filmed?  Remember how the producers decided to write Corky into the scene because they felt sorry for him and they thought he was a lovable 'tard?  Remember how the script called for you to take the Driver's Ed golf cart for a test drive through the hall?  Remember when Corky saw you get behind the wheel and he thought you were trying to steal the golf cart?  Remember how Corky ran toward you and used his mongo-strength to throw you into a locker?  Remember how you hit your head against the back of the metal locker and fell to the floor?  Remember how overpowering you turned on Corky and he started taking his clothes off because he was now horny for you?  Remember how Corky pulled off his jeans and then took off his diaper?  Remember how he had taken two shits in the diaper since he put on the diaper?  Remember when he shoved the diaper in your face and then yanked off your Zubaz and started viciously raping you?

Remember you heard heard a cracking noise coming from the golf cart and looked over and saw that Mr. Tuttle was laying on the top of the golf cart?  Remember how his pants were down around his ankles and he was masturbating vigorously?  Remember when the roof of the gold cart collapsed under Mr. Tuttle's 450-lb frame?  Remember how Tuttle became impaled on a metal shard from the roof of the golf cart?  Remember how blood started gushing out of the wound, and Tuttle kept masturbating until he jizzed on the floor and then passed out from the blood loss?  Remember how Corky kept viciously thrusting himself into your zoink-hole?  Remember when Mr. Belding walked out of his office and you thought he was coming to save you?  Remember how you quickly discovered that he was not going to save you when he pulled down his pants, pressed his bare ass against your face and ripped a wet fart, and then went back into his office to eat a large cake by himself?  Remember how you heard applause and assumed that someone must have accidentally hit a laugh-track button?  Remember how you looked over and instead discovered that the entire audience was clapping, laughing, and cheering on Corky?  Remember how sad this made you feel?  Remember when Corky blew a huge load in you, infecting you with a virulent strain of Down's Syndrome?  You sure got screwed over that time!

My "Remember When..." Queer Fantasies - Part X

Here are more of my "Remember When..." queer fantasies:

"Belding Refuses to 'Put 'Em on the Glass'" recap
Posted: Mon May 07, 2012 7:41 am

Diamond, remember how you were a big fan of Sir Mix-A-Lot's mid-90s song, "Put 'Em On The Glass"? Remember when you were in your rusty 1978 Ford Pinto and drove past Belding's 1986 Yugo on Bayside Street? Remember when you rolled down the window and yelled out, "Hey Chief, put 'em on the glass!!!" Remember how you were hoping that Belding would take off his shirt and press his fatty male boobs up against the driver's side window in his car? Remember how Belding motioned for you to roll down your car window? Remember when you rolled down your window as requested and then Belding pulled out a bottle of lighter fluid and sprayed the interior of your car? Remember when Bedlding then threw a red-hot car cigarette lighter into your car, igniting the light fluid? Remember when you screamed and drove off the road in a panic as your skin painfully burned under the searing heat of the fire? Remember when you crashed into a light pole and rolled out of the car onto the ground? Remember when you looked up and saw Mr. Tuttle hiding on top of the light pole naked and masturbating furiously? Remember when the fire was finally doused when Tuttle blew his massive load onto your burning body? Remember how you spent the next six weeks in intensive car in critical condition and almost died? You sure learned to be respectful to your superiors that time!



"Diamond Sees 'Moneyball'" recap
Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 11:05 am

Diamond, do you remember when the movie "Moneyball" starring Brad Pitt was released to movie theaters last year? Remember when Belding called you to his office and asked if you wanted to go see Moneyball with him after school that day? Remember how happy you were because your idol, Mr. Belding, wanted to see Moneyball with you? Remember when Belding told you to meet him in Coach Sonski's shop classroom after school so that you could see Moneyball? Remember how you assumed that Belding had obtained a bootlegged copy and was going to screen it for you on a TV in the shop classroom? Remember how showed up at the classroom and Belding asked you to sit down? Remember when he said, "Are you ready to see Moneyball?" Remember when you replied that you were and then Belding dropped his pants and shoved his middle-aged wrinkled balls in your face? Remember when he said that his nickname for his right testicle was "Moneyball"? Remember how his balls smelled like stale farts, piss, and a sweaty gym sock because he had apparently been wearing the same pair of underwear for the past week without showering? Remember when you said, "Yuck!" and "Zoinks!" as he rubbed his "Moneyball" all over your face? Remember how Belding became enraged by your rude behavior? Remember when he tied you up with cable ties that were laying on a table in the shop classroom and then started whipping you with an electrical cord leaving painful red welts all over your bird chest, stomach, and tiny balls? Remember how you looked up and saw Mr. Tuttle perched on top of a ceiling light watching the attack? Remember how Tuttle's pants were down around his ankles and he was masturbating furiously? Remember when Belding gave you a sweaty pair of Arabian Goggles and then tea-bagged you by dunking his Moneyball into your mouth? Remember when Belding got up, turned you onto your stomach, ripped off your Zubaz, and then raped you? Remember when heard the doorknob to the classroom turning and assumed it was the police who were coming to your rescue? Remember how surprised you were to see that it was Kevin the Robot? Remember how Kevin had not been seen for 20 years ever since you abandoned him at the junkyard back in 1991? Remember how relieved you were when Kevin rolled over because you assumed he was going to rescue you from Belding? Remember how less relieved you were when Kevin extended his metal cock and then grabbed your Jew-fro with his metal claws and shoved his metal cock into your mouth, forcing you to give him a robot blowjob? Remember how Belding was really giving it to you at this time and told you that he had retireved Kevin from the junkyard and converted him into a maniacal gay robot? You sure learned not to trust Mr. Belding that time!



"Kevin the Robot Teaches Diamond a Lesson" recap
Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 11:27 pm

Diamond, remember that episode where you caught Kevin the Robot having sex with the tailpipe on your rusty 1978 Gremlin automobile? Remember when you yelled at Kevin to stop thrusting his metal cock in and out of the tailpipe on your piece of shit car? Remember how mad Kevin was at you for interrupting him, as he was unable to climax and expel his oil out of his metal cock with you annoying and distracting him? Remember when Kevin pulled his metal cock out of the tailpipe, rolled over to you and said, "BZZZT! Diamond, I just drank several gallons of oil and need to drain oil. BZZZZTTT!!!" Remember when Kevin grabbed you with his metal claws and tore off your clothes? Remember when Kevin threw you to the ground and then rolled onto your bird chest and did several burnouts, tearing skin and leaving red marks and blood all over? Remember when Kevin inserted his unlubed metal cock into your ass and then grabbed your torso with his claws, moving you up and down on his metal cock? Remember when you yelled out not because of the large size of the metal cock, but instead because his metal cock was cold? Remember when Kevin raped you for several minutes until he blew his oily robotic load into your horribly torn ass with such force that you flew several feet up in the air? Remember when Kevin started slapping his metal claws together until he produced a spark which caused the oil to ignite which had just been discharged from his metal cock? Remember when you caught on fire as Kevin yelled out, "BZZZTTT! Ha! Ha! Ha! Take that Diamond! BZZZTT!!!" Remember when you suffered 2nd degree burns over 70% of your body? You sure learned not to interrupt Kevin while he is having sex that time!



"Diamond Learns about Electricity" recap
Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:15 pm

Diamond, remember that time when you were a 22-year-old teaching assistant and Belding yanked off your Zubaz in the shop classroom, exposing your pre-pubesecient tiny cock and balls? Remember when Belding pulled out a taser gun and you exclaimed, "Zoinks! Don't tase me bro!" Remember when Belding shot the taser electrodes at you, hitting you in the zoinker and applying 50,000 volts across your hairless nutbag? Remember the intense pain you felt? Remember when Belding started laughing uncontrollably? Remember when Tuttle, who was hiding on top of a bookcase, blew a load that landed in your Jew-fro? Remember how even though it was a comfortable 68 degrees in the shop classroom, Belding was sweating profusely? Remember how a huge puddle of sweat formed on the floor around him? Remember when Belding suddenly dropped his pants and pissed in the sweat puddle? Remember when Belding then grabbed your barely conscious body and dragged you into the sweat/piss puddle, soaking you? Remember when Belding grabbed a car battery that was sitting on a nearby table in the shop classroom and connected large jumper cables to the battery terminals? Remember when Belding set the car battery on the floor near the sweat/piss puddle and then dropped the open ends of the jumper cables into the seat/piss puddle? Remember how the electrical current from the battery electrocuted your soaked body? Remember how Tuttle started rubbing another one out and all of the muscles in your body tensed up during the electrocution? Remember how your skin started burning from the electrocution? Remember when Slater walked into the room and farted in your face with such force that the fart blew you out of the sweat/piss puddle, possibly saving your life from the electrocution? Remember when Slater said, "Hey Diamond, are you ok mang?" Remember when Slater ass-raped you to make sure you were still alive? You sure learned about electricity that time!



"The Biggest Loser" recap
Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 12:53 pm

Diamond, remember when you were contacted by VH1 last summer because they wanted to cast you in "The Biggest Loser"? Remember how although it seemed odd that VH1 called seeing as how the previous seasons of "The Biggest Loser" had all been on NBC in prime time? Remember how you assumed that because you had porked up and had previously appeared on "Celebrity Fit Club," VH1 wanted you back for another weight loss show? Remember when the show's producers showed up at your front door and informed you that you were the only person on the show? Remember how you narcissistically assumed that VH1 had fired other contestants because they couldn't compete against your massive celebrity and would get in your way? Remember how the show taped for an entire summer and didn't require you to perform any athletic feats? Remember how they filmed you at a comedy club, at Arby's and Taco Bell, participating in dumpster parties, being ass-raped by Mr. Belding and Kevin the Robot, being evicted from your home, and losing your SUV to repossession? Remember how excited you were you went to a department store to watch TV when "The Biggest Loser" was to air on VH1 because you thought that the show would help break you back into mega-stardom in Hollywood as people saw that you lost a couple pounds? Remember how your excitement quickly turned to disappointment when you realized that VH1's "The Biggest Loser" was not, in fact, a weight loss show but was actually a documentary-type show designed to show the world what a pathetic loser you are? Remember how the show aired interviews from Chris Burke, the Demasi twins, your former cast mates, all of whom referred to you as "hook-nosed rim goblin, "Zubaz-wearing cocksucker," and "Shithead"? Remember when you started crying until the manager at the furniture store threw you out of the store and raped you? You sure were a dipshit that time!



"Diamond Goes to a Dodgers Game" recap
Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 12:01 am

Diamond, remember that episode where you went to a Dodgers game on "Free gum day"? Remember how much you were yelling while watching the game? Remember how you kept yelling at Orel Hersheiser to come over and give you an autograph even though he was the starting pitcher and it was the top of the 5th inning? Remember when Orel Hersheiser got mad and threw a fastball into the stands hitting you in the eye and knocking you unconscious? Remember when Mr. Belding, your companion at the game, instructed everyone to spit out their gum onto your unconscious body? Remember when thousands of fans threw their moist chewed gum at you? Remember when you regained consciousness as you were being pelted with gum? Remember when you attempted to lift your head off the aisle floor but couldn't because hundreds of pieces of gum in your jew-fro were stuck to the floor? Remember how you were finally able to lift your head off the floor only to be immediately struck in the eye with chewing tobacco that Kirk Gibson spit into your eye? Remember how several other players had rushed into the stands and were throwing peanuts shells and also spitting tobacco onto you? Remember when Orel Hersheiser ripped off your Zubaz shirt and threw beer and then dirt from the ball field onto your bird chest? Remember how the moist dirt stuck to your chest? Remember when he said, "Hey faggot, you wanted my autograph, well here it is!" Remember when he then proceeded to drop his pants and piss his name onto the dirt canvas on your chest? Remember how the attack was replayed for years on "This Week In Baseball" as announcer Mel Allen famously exclaimed "How about that!"You sure learned to keep your trap shut at while at a ball game that time!



"The Heatwave" recap
Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 8:16 pm

Diamond, remember that time when there was a heatwave and the Bayside air conditioner broke? Remember how Belding would sweat profusely while wearing his 56-inch polyester dress pants? Remember how he ate 6 greasy tacos in the Bayside cafeteria on "taco day" and kept dropping ass the rest of the day? Remember when he got horny while watching you parade around in your Zubaz? Remember when he called you into his office and ripped a loud fart? Remember how much this turned you on? Remember when he unbuttoned his pants and tried to drop them to the floor but they stuck to his body because they were soaked with sweat? Remember when you helped yank them off and then he shoved your face in his crotch? Remember when the rank smell of sweaty, unwashed balls and ass hit you like a freight train? Remember when Belding insisted that you lick his butthole? Remember how despite the awful smell, you wanted to please your older gay lover and began licked his balls and asshole? Remember how after a few minutes you passed out? Remember when Belding had anal sex with you while you were unconscious and then called an ambulance? Remember how you were rushed to the hospital and after some tests the doctors diagnosed you with kidney failure caused by licked Belding's super-salty balls and ass? Remember when you had to have a kidney removed and were hooked up to a dialysis machine until a replacement kidney could be found? Remember when Slater and Belding snuck into your hospital room and took turns shitting and pissing into the dialysis machine? Remmeber when their bodily waste products were transported into your blood stream by the dialysis machine and caused liver failure in your body? Remember how a replacement kidney and liver were eventually found after months in the hospital? Remember how you almost died several times? Remember how your life expectancy was reduced by 30 years as a result of the actions of Belding and Slater? Belding's sweaty balls and ass really got you good that time!



"Belding Makes Diamond Wear a Chastity Belt" recap
Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 9:03 am

Diamond, remember that time when Belding was really giving it to you right in the ass and you enjoy his anal rape technique so much that you blew your tiny load? Remember how you got a little drop of your Jew cum on the carpet of his principal's office at Bayside? Remember how mad this made Belding and he yelled that you had ruined the carpet? Remember when you replied that you hadn't ruined the carpet and reminded him that he had sprayed diarrhea onto your face hundreds of times and always got at least a little bit of diarrhea on the carpet each time? Remember when Belding replied, "Shut up, Diamond!!! How dare you display such insolence!!!!" Remember when Belding threw you face-first into a file cabinet and then started stomping on your back and kicking you in the head? Remember how he was completely naked during this violent beating and got so turned on while beating you up and he shot a huge load onto the carpet? Remember when he started mopping up his cum with your Jew-fro and then made you lick it up? Remember how in addition to the cum you also licked up dead bugs, spider eggs, dirt, and pubic hair because the floor was absolutely covered in Belding's gray pubes? Remember how the next day Belding went out and purchased a man's chastity belt for you to prevent you from ever again receiving an erection while he ass-rapes you? You really learned not to enjoy being raped that time!



"The Food Pyramid" episode recap
Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2012 7:54 am
Diamond, remember that time when Belding showed you a "food pyramid" diagram which indicated that fecal matter was an essential portion of a balanced diet? Remember how the diagram was in color and was glossy except for one small box that clearly had white-out covering text underneath and "fecal matter" was written over the text? Remember when Belding would call you to his office every day for lunch and tricked you into believing that he'd get in trouble with the school board if they found out that you weren't eating a healthy lunch and would point at the food pyramid diagram? Remember when he would drop his pants and skidmark-encrusted underwear and say "come get your meal, Diamond?" and insisted that you lick his asshole to get the nutrients which were essential to your growth? Remember how Belding wouldn't allow you to rinse your mouth out after licking his asshole for 15 minutes because he said you needed the fecal matter in your mouth to digest into your saliva and you would spend the rest of the day with shit breath? Remember how you did this every day for years and caught many cavities from the dangerous bacteria growing on Belding's asshole which damaged your gums and teeth? You sure were a fucking idiot that time!



"The Field Trip to the Art Museum" recap
Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2012 6:21 am

Diamond, do you remember the episode when you were a freshman and the school took a field trip to the visit the Los Angeles County Museum of Art? Remember how everyone piled into a school bus? Remember how you kept singing the "McDonald's Menu Song" during the bus ride, annoying the shit out of everyone on the bus? Remember when Mr. Belding, the chaperone for the trip, ordered everyone to throw things at you to shut your Jew-hole? Remember when everyone on the bus started throwing books at you? Remember when Ox hit you in your hook nose with a stapler that he happened to bring with him on the trip for some unexplained reason? Remember how you started crying? Remember how relieved you were when you arrived at the art museum moments later because you assumed that the workers at the art museum put a stop to the abuse? Remember how less relieved you were when you discovered that the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, like most art museums, is staffed by degenerate weirdos who radiate homosexuality? Remember when the museum workers started beating and sodomizing you with ancient Roman empire statues? Remember when a small Michelangelo statue got stuck in your ass and the museum patrons clapped as they saw you hopping around and grimacing in pain because they thought that you were a performance artist and that you were part of an exhibit? You sure had a memorable field trip that time!



"Diamond Learns About Beard Hygene" recap
Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:39 am

Diamond, remember that time when Belding took a shit in your Jew-fro and then wiped his ass clean with your neatly trimmed beard? Remember how you hadn't washed your face for a few days and still had dried fecal chips stuck in there from the last time Belding wiped his ass with your beard? Remember how the old dried fecal chips had sharp edges? Remember how the dried fecal chips irritated Belding's asshole as he wiped his ass with your beard? Remember how mad that made Belding? Remember when he threw you face-first into a urinal and tried to drown you in a puddle of urinal piss while he pulled down your pants and ass-raped you? Remember when Mr. Dewey walked into the bathroom and was upset that he couldn't use the urinal because your face was in it at the time? Remember when Mr. Dewey decided to use the urinal anyway and pissed on your Jew-fro while Belding continued to rape you? Remember when Mr. Dewey finished pissing and then gave Belding a hi-five and started cheering him on during the unprovoked homosexual attack? Remember when Belding blew a huge load into your ass and then pulled your face out of the urinal and slammed your head into the bathroom stall partition with a large enough force to snap the bolt securing the stall partition to the wall? Remember when Bayside send you a bill for $750 to replace and bolt and fix the damaged bathroom stall partition? You sure learned the importance of a clean beard that time!



"Diamond Learns the Importance of Discipline" recap
Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 9:02 am

Diamond, remember that time when you flew a plane with your son, Zoinks Diamond? Remember how you gave anal birth to young Zoinks in the late 90s after Belding ass-raped you for the 857th time? Remember how you and Zoinks were flying out to Anaheim to visit Disney World? Remember how Zoinks kept kicking the seat in front of him and the middle-aged man sitting in the seat being kicked got mad and yelled at you and told you to cut it out? Remember when you asked Zoinks to stop kicking the seat, but Zoinks continued to do so anyway? Remember when the man got out of his seat and then walked to your row of seats and started hitting you in the face with a book? Remember when passengers initially screamed and hit the button to request the stewardess? Remember when the stewardess got on the intercom and told everyone to relax because the person being beaten was former child star Dustin Diamond? Remember when everyone breathed a sign of relief and then started cheered on the man who was by now punching and kicking you in your hook nose? Remember when he threw you to the ground and your head landed in the aisle? Remember when the stewardess yelled "keep the aisle clear!" and then started running with the food cart, smashing into your face and cracking two of your teeth? Remember when the stewardess took off her high heels and started to stab you when the bottom of the heel and everyone cheered her on? Remember when the little kids on the seat next to your started pelting you with honey roasted peanuts and M&M's Remember when you got some of the honey roasted salt in your eyes and started crying like a bitch? Remember how everyone got mad and yelled at you to shut the fuck up??? Remember when several random dudes on the flight started assraping you while everyone else cheered them on? Remember how this attack lasted a good 45 minutes? Remember how at the end the pilot got on the intercom and told everyone that they needed to stick together and tell the authorities on the ground that Diamond was making terrorist threats and that he was beaten as a result? Remember when the plane landed and you said you were attacked? Remember when everyone else on the plane lied and said that you made the terrorist threats? Remember when you told your story to a judge and the judge got mad, called you a liar, and sentenced you to three years in prison? You sure learned the importance of disciplining children that time!



"Diamond Visits Santa" recap
Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:16 pm

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you visited a Los Angeles mall days before Christmas? Remember how even though you are Jewish you waited in the long line to sit on Santa's lap to ask for gifts? Remember how you were impatient while standing in line and kept saying "Zoinks!" and telling everyone else how important you were because you were acting on Saved By the Bell: The New Class? Remember how you were 19 years old at the time, whereas all of the other kids in line were younger than 8 years of age? Remember you finally got to the head of the line and then jumped onto Santa's lap and reached down and started fondling Santa's old wrinkled nut-bag? Remember when you asked Santa for a new tandem bike, a hot pink Member's Only jacket, and leather chaps? Remember how Santa saw your massive hook nose and asked if you were Jewish? Remember when you replied, "Zoinks! You got me, but I still do want those things!" Remember how your annoying behavior enraged Santa? Remember when Santa said that you were responsible for killing Jesus and that you had wasted everyone's time by sitting on his lap and that you were going to hell? Remember when Santa stood up, punched you in your hook nose and then started stomping on your chest and head with his black boots? Remember how the kids in line cheered him on because they thought that you sucked on Saved By The Bell? Remember when Santa dropped his pants and then shoved his cock up your ass and began raping you? Remember when a midget dressed up as an elf took off his tights, positioned his naked ass right next to your nose and ripped a wet fart? Remember when Santa blew his load in your ass and then kicked you in the head and dragged your lifeless body off to the side? Remember when he pulled up his pants and then the kids in line and the parents all started singing Christmas carols? Remember when Santa resumed letting kids sit on his lap and ask for gifts? That episode really showed the spirit of Christmas!



"Diamond learns about showering" recap
Posted: Aug 23 2011, 09:13 AM

Diamond, remember the summer of 1993 when Mr. Tuttle didn't shower for the entire summer even though there was a heat wave throughout July and August? Remember when you ran into Tuttle while getting your yearbook picture taken and could smell his balls and ass from where you were standing 20 feet away? Remember how much that turned you on? Remember when you immediately ran over to Tuttle, grabbed his hand, and led him into an empty classroom? Remember when you pulled down his polyester trousers and the rank smell of Tuttle's unwashed balls and ass hit you like a freight train? Remember when you licked his extra salty sweaty ballbag and went into cardiac arrest and almost died? Remember when Tuttle masturbated onto your near-comatose body as he waited for the ambulance to arrive to take you to the hospital? Remember when he kept farting in your face because he was under the mistaken impression that his farts were like smelling salts that would keep you awake? Remember when paramedics arrived at Bayside and Tuttle hid on top of a file cabinet while masturbating as the paramedics loaded you onto a wheeled bed and carted you away? Remember how they made comments about you smelling like baked ass and being a nasty faggot? You sure learned about the importance of showering in the that episode!



"Diamond Learns About Gold" recap
Posted: Jul 20 2011, 07:47 AM

Diamond, your money woes have been well-publicized. Remember all of those businesses that you started and then abandoned after a few days when you got sick of them, such as your talent agency and costume design business? Remember how are so lazy that rather than work for money, you are always looking for an easy way to make money?

Remember how the food court in the mall near you installed LCD televisions tuned to different cable channels? Remember how you were walking through the food court scrounging for uneaten food to eat in the garbage cans the other day when you looked up and saw a CNBC anchor on a TV discussing the rising price of gold, which recently hit $1600/oz? Remember how this gave you an idea for your next get-rich-quick scheme? Remember when you thought about the time that Belding and Salter said they were going to give you a golden shower for your next birthday? Remember when you hopped on your pink bike and rode as fast as you could to Belding's house and begged for the golden shower right then and there? Remember how you dreamed that you could sell the golden shower on eBay for hundreds of thousands of dollars and would be able to buy back your house from foreclosure and be able to afford to eat at Arby's every day?

Remember when you showed up at Belding's and opened the door and were shocked to see your TV mom, Mrs. Powers, getting DP'ed by Belding and Slater while your TV dad, Mr. Powers, sucked off your biological father, singer Neil Diamond? Remember when you looked over and saw Maxwell Nerdstrom doing Hound Dog right in the ass as Mr. Tuttle looked on and masturbated vigorously?

Remember when you didn't think anything of this strange scene and asked Belding for your golden shower? Remember when Belding asked you to follow him out back to his tool shed? Remember when Belding said "you want your golden shower? Well here it is, BITCH!" and then punched you in the face and kicked your kneecap, causing you to double over in pain? Remember when Belding dropped his sweaty trousers, causing the tool shed to instantly reek of the smell of ass? Remember when Belding started pissing on you and asked if you enjoyed the golden shower? Remember when Mrs. Powers entered the toolshed and you thought she was going to save you? Remember how surprised you were when she instead took off her underwear and started pissing on you? Remember when Tuttle, Nerdstrom, Hound Dog, Becky the Duck, Slater, Zack, the bum from the Christmas mall episode, Ox, and Zack's dad also started pissing on you? Remember when Zack's dad talked on his huge cellular phone and sold 30 computers while taking a leak on your jew-fro? Remember when Belding said, "have fun selling that golden shower on eBay, FAGGOT!!!"

You sure learned about gold that time!



"The Bayside 'Sniff-Off'" episode recap
Posted: Jul 11 2011, 05:20 AM

Diamond, remember when Salter and Belding asked you to participate in the annual Bayside jock strap "Sniff-Off"? Remember how delighted you were that they invited you to this event? Remember how you had never heard of the "Sniff-Off" before, but assumed that you hadn't heard about it because only the cool kids had been invited in years past? Remember how you were excited because you assumed that everyone thought that you were cool now? Remember when you showed up to the Bayside gym and Belding announced that all of the varsity athletes from the wrestling and football teams had been sweating in jock straps all day while eating free Taco Bell tacos and sitting in a classroom that was 90 degrees and had no air conditioning? Remember when the athletes stripped down in front of you at a school assembly and threw their sweaty jock straps in your face and you sniffed them? Remember how Slater and Belding stood behind you because you assumed that they were going to be sniffing the jock straps after you? Remember when you sniffed the sweaty jock straps while everyone in the auditorium cheered you on? Remember when Rod Belding, who was not a student athlete and didn't even teacher at Bayside stripped and threw his smelly jock strap right in your face? Remember how you sniffed 78 smelly jock straps that day and contracted herpes from all of the queers who had thrown their used jock straps in your face? Remember how perplexed you were when nobody sniffed any jock straps after you and Belding ordered everyone back to class? Remember when you said to Belding, "Did I win the Sniff-Off?" Remember when Belding replied, "Shut up, dickhead?" Remember when you discovered several months later that Maxwell Nerdstrom and the other weirdos from the AV club had videotaped your performance and offered it for sale as a documentary entitled "Obsessive Jewish Homosexuals Who Sniff Jock Straps"? Remember when they won an Oscar for "Best Documentary" and also won various monetary awards that they refused to share with you? You sure got screwed over that time!

My "Remember When..." Queer Fantasies - Part IX

These are the last of my "Remember When..." queers fantasies that I was able to recover from cached pages of the old Dustin Diamond Love forum. Unfortunately, I know that some stories are missing:

"Diamond Learns About Trophies" episode recap
Posted: May 4, 2011 04:52 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember how jealous you were of Slater and Zack Morris for winning all of those sporting awards at Bayside? Remember how Slater won lots of football and wrestling awards and Zack won cross-country and track awards? Remember how you sucked at sports and the only awards you won were from that stupid Insect Rodeo? Remember the envy you felt when visiting Slater's room? Remember how Slater was ass-raping you and you saw all of the plaques and trophies in his room? Remember when you also saw a TV show where a hunter had mounted the heads of deer in a trophy room of his house? Remember when you were jealous of everyone for having all of those trophies and decided that you wanted to make your own trophy room? Remember when you started mounting a few pairs of Belding's dirty skidmark-encrusted underwear on your wall? Remember when you also mounted some sweaty jock straps and wrestling singlets you had stolen from the Bayside laundry bin after wrestling practice? Remember when you also stole a black toilet seat covered in piss and shit stains from the rest stop where your TV dad, Mr. Powers, operated his gloryhole? Remember when you hung the toilet seat on a nail in your bedroom wall? Remember how after your entire bedroom reeked of the smell of piss, sweaty balls, and ass after all of your "trophies" had been hung? Remember when you showed off your trophy room to Belding? Remember how mad Belding was at you for stealing his used underwear? Remember when he said that he didn't have any money for new underwear and had instead been working "commando" at Bayside? Remember when Belding decided that you needed to be taught a lesson and kicked you in the junk and then took the toilet seat hanging on the wall and cracked your across your head with it? Remember how you were laying on your back on the floor and then Belding jumped down off your bed onto the floor and gave you Hulk Hogan's patented leg drop across your neck? Remember how the massive weight of Belding's 450-lb body coming down on the floor caused your bedroom floor to collapse, sending the two of you down through the floor to the kitchen below? Remember when you cracked your head open on the way down when you head your head on the hard counter top? Remember how Belding cushioned his fall by landing on Hound Dog, flattening Hound Dog into the bloody pancake and instantly killing your beloved pet? Remember when Belding saw that your skull was cracked open and got really turned on? Remember when Belding jerked off and blew his HIV+ load into your head wound? Remember how an ambulance arrived 30 minutes later and found your lifeless body? Remember when an emergency room doctor shaved your entire head and then stitched your head back together, encasing Belding's massive diseased seed in your head forever? Remember how up until this point you had straight hair like a normal human being? Remember how when your hair grew back in, it was curly and resembled Belding's pubic hair as a result of his semen that was sealed forever in your head? You really learned about trophies that time!



"Belding Becomes As Exotic Dancer" episode recap
Posted: May 1 2011, 08:25 AM

Diamond, remember that episode when Belding began working as an exotic dancer at a strip club on the weekends? Remember when you went to the club to see him and slipped a 1-dollar bill into his purple g-string thong? Remember how unbeknownst to Belding, you had tied a string around the dollar and used the string to yank the dollar out of Belding's thong after you had already placed it in there? Remember how your childish and rude antics enraged Belding? Remember when the Big Bopper kicked you in the face and then attempted to strangle you to death with the string around the dollar? Remember when the string snapped and then Belding started smashing your face into the strip club stage? Remember when the five female strippers and the other waitresses in the bar started fingering themselves and the male patrons jerked off while watching Belding beat the shit out of you? Remember when Belding violently ass-raped you in front of everyone at the strip club? Remember when Belding pulled his cock out out your bloodied ass and blew a huge HIV+load in your jew fro? Remember when the maintenance people started hitting you with brooms and dustpans? Remember when the bouncers picked you up and threw you into a dumpster behind the strip club and left you for dead? You really learned about the inner workings of strip clubs that time!



"The Bayside Barbecue" recap
Posted: March 8, 2011 05:25 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember the oil spill episode where Becky the Duck died after being covered in oil? Remember when you cracked a joke to Zack that he should hold a barbecue in the Bayside parking lot to raise money to fight the oil developers? Remember when you suggested that Becky the Duck be the main course at the barbecue? Remember how funny you thought you were being? Remember when Zack surprisingly said that it seemed like a good idea? Remember when you showed up at Bayside barbecue a few days later and ate a yummy piece of barbecued meat? Remember how there were 75 people at the barbecue and everyone got a hearty piece of meat? Remember how unusual it seemed that Becky the Duck could have possibly provided enough meat to feed 75 people? Remember when you asked Zack about this and he said that he was able to find additional meat at your house? Remember when you asked what he meant and then he told you that he had grabbed Hound Dog and barbecued him? Remember when you started crying and then Zack said, "Hound Dog wasn't enough food, so we also got your mom, Mrs. Powers?" Remember when Zack pointed to the charred remains of Mrs. Powers' clothing that were over by the fire and realized that both your dog and your TV mom had just been barbecued and fed to Bayside students? You sure learned not to lip off to Zack that time!



"Diamond Meets Record Company Executives" recap
Posted: February 4, 2011 07:24 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember back in 2000 when you heard that Christmas song where the sounds of different dogs barking are spliced together to render the song "Jingle Bells" comprised entirely of the barking sounds? Remember when this gave you an idea and you created your own version of "Jingle Bells" comprised entirely of the sounds of different dudes farted, spraying diarrhea and taking dumps at the rest stop where your dad works? Remember when you tried to sell your song to record companies? Remember when the record executives accused you of wasting their time and then ass-raped you as punishment? Remember when you didn't sell any albums? Remember when Zack stole your only copy of the album and then ripped an MP3 of the Jingle Bells song and allowed everyone to download the song from him via Napster? Remember when the record company that made the "Jingle Bells" dogs barking sing downloaded your fart version and got mad because you were ripping off his song in a homosexual way? Remember when he hired JM J Bullock to throw you a beating? Remember when JM J Bullock showed up at your house and made you eat out his smelly asshole? Remember when he then pulled out a hypodermic needle and jabbed himself in the arm to capture some of his HIV+ blood? Remember when he jabbed you repeatedly in your tiny nutsack with the tainted needle until your tiny balls were bleeding all over the place? Remember when you contracted the deadly AIDS virus during this vicious attack and you life expectancy was reduced by 35 years? The record companies really got you good that time!



"Jock Strap Attack" episode recap
Kurt Steinberg - January 28, 2011 10:11 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode back in 1993 where Slater and Belding used Slater's sweaty jock strap from wrestling practice to fling chunks of shit at you? Remember how Belding would place a moist dog turd in the jock strap and then Slater would twirl the jock strap around in a circle and then used the jock strap as a make-shift slingshot to launch the dog turd right into your face and Jew fro? Remember how they hit you with several of Hound Dog's moist turds until they ran out of dog shit? Remember how Belding then dropped trou and unleashed a giant shit log into the jock strap and then Slater fired it at you? Remember how Belding's shit log hit you in your hook nose and then split apart into little pieces? Remember how several of the pieces fell into your mouth and you gobbled them down as if you were Pac-Man ingesting a power pellet? Remember how Slater and Belding laughed at what a shit-covered faggot you were and then through the stained jock strap at you and then left and drove over to the Olive Garden for a nice meal to celebrate? Remember how you still have fond memories of this incident and consider it to have been the best day of your life? Remember how you kept the unwashed jock strap and have been sniffing it while masturbating for the past 18 years? You sure are a dirty faggot!



"Indoor Golf" episode recap
Posted: September 12, 2010 09:01 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember when you played that indoor golf game that Belding invented in the early 1990s? Remember how instead of being played on a golf course, Belding's game was played on your naked body? Remember how instead of a golf ball, Belding used one of Hound Dog's dog turds? Remember how instead of a golf tee, Belding used your tiny cock as a golf tee? Remember how instead of a golf club, Belding used his massive cock? Remember how instead of trying to his the dog turd in a golf hole cup, the purpose of Belding's version was to hit the dog turd into your open mouth? Remember when Belding would set the dog turd on your tiny cock and smack at the dog turd with his massive cock in an effort to knock it into your mouth? Remember when you and Belding played the game in your bedroom at the Powers residence? Remember when Belding kept swinging his cock with too much power and hit the dog turd so hard that it smacked into your bedroom wall? Remember how by the end of an hour of played the game, Belding had hit 13 dog turds into your mouth? Remember how there were also numerous shit stains on your wall and carpet from where the dog turds landed when Belding hit the dog turds? Remember when you saw the shit stains and yelled at Belding to clean it up? Remember when Belding said he would wash away the shit stains with a piss hosedown? Remember when Belding pissed on your wall and carpet? Remember how Belding's piss didn't remove the shit stains? Remember how Belding's piss stained your carpet and wall and stunk up your bedroom? Remember when Belding heard the garage door opener and deduced that Mrs. Powers was opening the garage door because she was home? Remember when Belding wiped the dog shit stains off his cock with your Zubaz and then got dressed up and climbed out the window and went outside? Remember when Mrs. Powers walked into your room and saw and smelled all of the shit- and piss- stains? Remember how mad that made Mrs. Powers? Remember when she said you were going to clean up your mess? Remember when she dumped a soapy detergent in your hair and then grabbed your head and rubbed your jew-fro up and down on the wall and floor to shampoo out the stains? Remember how the coarse hair in your jew-fro cleaned up the stains after 30 minutes of hard scrubbing? Remember when Mrs. Powers also punished you by having anal sex with Belding right in front of you? Remember when she instructed Belding to pull his cock out of her ass right before he was about to cum so that he could shoot his load into your mouth? You sure learned about golf that time!



"The Bayside Gold Rush" episode recap
Posted: September 6, 2010 03:11 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember how far-fetched and totally unrealistic the oil spill episode was when a large pocket of oil was discovered 1 foot below the football field and nobody had ever noticed it before even when the football field was built? Remember the "gold rush" episode, which was even more absurd? Remember when a new pool was being build and 10 feet of dirt had to be dug out? Remember when an underground stream was discovered 10 feet below the surface? Remember when Mr. Dewey saw something shiny and announced that there was gold in the stream? Remember how everyone cheered and all of the students and teachers at Bayside decided to become gold miners? Remember how Slater and most of the other students used shovels to dig into the dirt? Remember how Belding decided that he could dig up and sift through the dirt more quickly if he dug with your enormous hook nose? Remember when he grabbed you by the jew-fro and shoved your face into a mound of dirt? Remember when your nostrils filled up with a couple pounds of dirt? Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, sneeze out that dirt so we can see whether there are any gold nuggets?" Remember when he punched and kicked you in the back and then you sneezed out the dirt? Remember how there was one little gold nugget in the dirt? Remember how happy that made Belding? Remember when you complained that you couldn't see because there was dirt in your eyes? Remember when Belding remedied the situation by pissing on your face, washing away the dirt? Remember when Belding grabbed your jew-fro again and shoved your face into another mound of dirt? Remember when Belding pulled your face out of the dirt and saw a gold nugget sticking out of one of the nostrils on your huge hook nose? Remember how you were having trouble breathing and started coughing? Remember when you accidentally inhaled the gold nugget into your lungs? Remember how mad that made Belding? Remember when Belding started punching you in the back? Remember how Belding threw you onto the ground face-first and then started jumping on your back in an effort to force your lungs to expel the gold nugget? Remember when the force of Belding's massive 425 lb body caused your ribs to snap as though they were pretzels? Remember when Belding noticed the similar between your cracking ribs and pretzels and got hungry? Remember when Belding stopped jumping on your back and then traveled with you in an ambulance where you received medical care? Remember how the doctors said you were in critical condition and might die? Remember when Belding said, "that may be true, but that rim goblin stole gold from me!" Remember when you had a chest x-ray and the doctors discovered a foreign object in your lungs? Remember how the foreign object was not a gold nugget but was instead a yellow piss-stained dog turd? Remember how the doctors started laughing and hi-fiving Belding? Remember when you spent the next six months in intensive care as you struggled to breath while your ribs slowly healed? Remember when Belding and Slater would visit you to say hello and spit-roast you? You sure learned about the value of gold that time!



"Diamond Learns About Baseball" recap
Posted: July 7, 2010 08:24 PM (GMT)

Diamond, did you hear about the poor guy who fell from the upper deck at the Texas Rangers baseball game when he was reaching for a foul ball? Did that remind you of the time that Slater and Zack threw you from the upper deck at Dodger stadium? Remember when you landed on the hard pavement and broke some ribs? Remember when Slater and Zack started pelting you with large cups of Mountain Dew? Remember when announcer Vin Scully stood up in the announcer's box, unzipped his trousers, and took a piss on you down below? Remember when the cameraman showed you on the big Jumbotron screen getting pelted with debris? Remember how hard everyone was laughing? Remember how everyone was pelting you with peanuts, hot dogs, and beer for the next 15 minutes? Remember when a full-scale riot broke out and Zack and his dad grabbed one of the 50lb video cameras and threw it down onto you in an effort to murder you? Remember when Slater and Ox started ripping individual seats from the upper deck and threw them down onto you? Remember how billionaire Rupert Murdoch was the owner of the Dodgers at the time and he blamed you for destroying the stadium and causing a ruckus? Remember when he sent you a bill for $100k for the damage? Remember when he farted on the bill before he inserted in into the envelope? You sure learned about America's pastime that day!



"The Bayside Wet T-Shirt Contest" recap
Posted: July 6, 2010 02:20 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where you entered Mr. Belding in the annual Bayside wet t-shirt contest? Remember how Belding competed against Kelly and Jesse? Remember how Belding asked you to purchase a new undershirt for him to wear in the contest? Remember when you purchase a Fruit-of-the-Loom brand XXL white undershirt for him to wear from K-Mart where it was on sale in a "blue-light special"? Remember when Belding tried on the undershirt and it ripped in the lower back because it was too small? Remember how Belding was pissed off, but went through with the wet t-shirt contest anyway? Remember when Slater sprayed Belding's shirt with a garden hose and then Belding got out on a stage at The Max and started freak dancing and shook his man-titties around? Remember when Kelly and Jesse did the same? Remember when Kelly received the most applause and won the contest? Remember when Belding finished in second? Remember how mad Belding was at losing the contest and blamed you? Remember when he took off his shoe and threw it at you after the results were announced? Remember when he took off his pants and ripped off your Zubaz? Remember when he shoved his cock up your ass and started ass-raping you? Remember when Max said he was going to perform a magic trick and made his cock disappear down your throat? Remember when they started spit-roasting you right in front of everyone? Remember when Kevin the Robot grabbed your ribcage with one of his claws and snapped one of your ribs in half? Remember when everyone was cheering, clapping, and masturbating? Remember when you looked over and saw that Max's "applause-meter" registered the highest possible level of applause? Remember when Max and Belding thumb-wrestled each other during the spit-roast? Remember when you contracted ebola and herpes during this attack? You sure learned not to disappoint the Big Bopper that time!



"Diamond's Date at Malibu Sands" recap
Posted: July 1, 2010 08:32 PM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that Malibu Sands episode where you went on a double date with Zack? Remember how Zack's date with a hot Stacey Carosi and your date was the morbidly obese middle-aged Mr. Carosi? Remember how all of you at dinner at the Malibu Sands beach club? Remember how AC Slater was your waiter? Remember when he pissed in your glass of Mountain Dew? Remember how Carosi kept massaging your leg beneath the table during dinner? Remember how after dinner Mr Carosi suggested that you all go swimming in the ocean? Remember how Zack and Stacey changing into swim suits? Remember how you and Mr. Carosi didn't have swim suits so Mr. Carosi suggested you two go skinny dipping? Remember how tiny your cock was and Stacey and Zack started laughing uncontrollably? Remember how that made you feel badly, so you ran into the ocean? Remember how Mr. Carosi ran after you and started hugging you to comfort you? Remember how Carosi started rubbing his massive cock against your thigh and then inserted in into your asshole? Remember when he started anally raping you while Zack cheered him on? Remember when you were screaming for help and the lifeguard yelled, "Shut up, JEWISH DICKHEAD!" Remember when Mr. Carosi shot his load up your ass and then you two walked back to the beach from the ocean? Remember how Stacey was disgusted by what had happened and quit her job and moved to Queens, New York? Remember when she married a fat guy who worked for International Parcel Service and who later quit his job to become a mall security guard? You sure got violated that time!



"The Diamond Show" recap
Posted: June 21, 2010 09:16 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember when you were living in Indianapolis, IN and were a student at John F. Kennedy Junior High School? Remember how you were molested and violently ass-raped by your Jr. High principal, Mr. Belding, and the black janitor for the school, Mylo? Remember when you complained about what was happening to your friends Mikey Gonzalez and Zack Morris? Remember when they convinced you to tell your teacher, Miss Bliss? Remember when Miss Bliss called the police? Remember when you went down to the police station to file a report and were crying uncontrollably as your gave a statement? Remember when the police captain gave you some aspirin to help you relax? Remember when you fell asleep and woke up the next morning in your bed? Remember when you got up out of bed and walked over to the window and saw palm trees in your yard? Remember how weird it seemed that palm trees would be growing in your suburb of Indianapolis?

Remember when you went downstairs to eat breakfast and you ran into a strange woman whom you had never seen before? Remember how she acted like she was your mom? Remember when she told you to hurry up or you would be late for school at Bayside High? Remember when you asked her what she was talking about and she said it was your first day in high school and you should make a good impression? Remember when you asked her why there were palm trees in the yard? Remember when she replied, "What are you talking about Screech? That palm tree has been in the backyard since before you were born? Remember when that coconut fell from the top of it and hit you on the head when you were five years old?" Remember when you said you had no idea what she was talking about and she replied that you must not be thinking clearly because it was your first day?

Remember when you showed up at Bayside and saw Zack Morris, but Mikey Gonzalez was nowhere to be found? Remember when you ran into a Mexican kid with a curly mullet named AC Slater and he behaved as though he had known you for years? Remember how confused you were? Remember when Zack walked you to your locker and you ran into Mr. Belding? Remember when Belding introduced himself and you replied that you had filed a police report against him and that he'd better leave you alone? Remember when Mr. Belding said that you were a weird kid and that he had never met you before in his life? Remember when you said that Miss Bliss would help send him to prison? Remember when he asked you who Miss Bliss was and said he had never met anyone with that name before? Remember how confused you were and said you had a headache? Remember when Mr. Belding sent you to the school therapist and said he'd be able to help out?

Remember when you walked into the therapist's office and saw that the therapist was a thin man with long blonde hair that was covering up an obvious receding hairline? Remember when the therapist introduced himself as Rod Belding, the brother of Principal Dick Belding? Remember when Rod diagnosed you with schizophrenia and said that you were just confused because it was your first day and that you shouldn't worry?

Remember when you were sent back to class? Remember when you heard an announcement over the PA that you were supposed to report to the Principal's office? Remember when you walked into Belding's office and were immediately hit in the face with a dictionary? Remember when Belding kicked you in the chest and then yanked off your Zubaz? Remember when Belding said, "How dare you accuse me of improprieties on the day I met you for the first time?" Remember when Belding viciously raped you? Remember how you were ass-raped everyday at school from that day forward, by both teachers, students, and the male parents of the students? Remember how these attacks went on for years until one day you decided to run away from home? Remember when you confessed your plans to Kevin the Robot and he tried to convince you that Mr. Belding was a good principal and that you were being treated fairly? Remember when you started to distrust Kevin and were becoming more and more paranoid? Remember when Kevin explained that all of the STDs that were pumped into your colon must be messing with your mind?

Remember when you packed up your belongings and decided to run away to the valley? Remember when you got onto your pink bike and peddled as fast as you could toward the horizon? Remember when you bike hit something hard and you flew off the bike and landed in what you thought was a force field? Remember when you realized that you had biked straight into a wooden wall that was painted to look like the horizon? Remember how you hit the wall so hard that it had split? Remember when you could see light on the other side? Remember when you burrowed through a hole in the wall and crawled through to the other side? Remember when you saw a street sign for the Indianapolis Pacers of the NBA? Remember how confused you were at this time? Remember when you looked over and saw your mom? Remember when you said, "what is going on here, mom?" Remember when you replied that her name was Ruth Abuzzi and that she was just an actress? Remember when you said that she was your mom and you lived with her and Hound Dog? Remember when she replied nonchalantly that she was just an actress and had simply made everything up and had been lying to you for years? Remember when she said that your life was filmed live as a reality show on the Spice Channel and was a huge hit in the gay community which watched all of your vicious ass-rapings?

Remember when she said that everyone was in on the scam and that you actually had lived on a TV set in Indianapolis for the last few years and had never even been to California? Remember how nobody seemed to care that you had been lied to for the past few years or that your ass-rapes had been televised in gay bars across the country to deviant homosexuals who jerked off at your anal violations?

Remember when you later learned that your life was like a gay version of Jim Carrey's role in "The Truman Show"? You really got screwed over that time!



"Chris Burke Teaches Diamond About Oil Spills"
Posted: June 11, 2010 04:58 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember how Chris "Corky" Burke has been practically glued to his television over the past few weeks watching news coverage on CNN of the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Remember how Chris got sick of watching CNN and turned the channel to TBS, which happened to be showing the "Piped Dreams" oil spill episode of Saved by The Bell? Remember how Chris thought that he was watching a different news program like Dateline? Remember when Chris that scene where Zack was holding Becky the Duck and he got confused and thought that you had intentionally spilled oil on Becky and had caused the oil spill in the Gulf? Remember when Chris saw your jew-fro, hook nose, and the black spandex tights you were wearing in that episode and thought that you looked like an evil jew and then remembered that he had heard that the jews killed Jesus? Remember how mad that made Chris Burke? Remember how Chris got into his rusty 1985 Yugo and started driving from his home in Los Angeles to your house in Wisconsin to teach you a lesson about protecting the environment from oil? Remember how Chris stopped off in Las Vegas while on the way and spent a couple thousand dollars on hookers and cocaine? Remember when Chris snorted cocaine out of one of the male hookers' ass crack? Remember when Chris got back into his car and drove toward Wisconsin with his foot firmly on the gas pedal so that the Yugo reached its top speed of 45 MPH on the highway?

Remember when Chris finally arrived at Wisconsin 36 hours later? Remember when Chris started throwing rocks at your house? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks! Who is out there?" Remember when Chris replied, "DEERRRRR!!!! It's Chris Burke!!! DEEERRRR!!!" Remember when Chris ran up and slugged you in the gut and then started stomping on your head with his cowboy boots? Remember when Chris remembered that he hadn't taken a dump since he left Los Angeles three days earlier and then dropped his pants and shit all over your face and then wiped his ass clean with your poofy jew-fro? Remember when Chris's cock got really hard and he made you suck on it? Remember when he pulled his cock out of your mouth and then tore off your Zubaz and stuck his cock up your ass? Remember when he used his mongo homo strength to ass-rape you while you screamed for help? Remember when your fake wife heard your screams and pleasured herself? Remember when Chris pumped you full of his diseased seed and then tried to burn down your house by lighting a fire in the garage while you laid on the garage floor in a puddle of blood that had dripped from your asshole? Remember when Chris got back in his car and drove home, satisfied that he had solved the oil leak problem? Remember when you were rushed to the emergency room and found out that you had contracted herpes from Chris's filthy cock? You sure learned about the environment that time!



"Diamond Visits a Baseball Game" recap
Posted: June 18, 2010 06:29 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember when you visited Washington, D.C. and watched a Nationals vs. Phillies baseball game? Remember how the mascot of the Nationals is homosexual-looking bird named "Screech"? Remember when the scoreboard camera showed you in the crowd and listed you as "Screech"? Remember when the Screech mascot got mad because you were using his name and decided to teach you a lesson? Remember when the mascot came running from the 3rd base foul territory into the stands after you? Remember how you tried to get up but were boxed in your row by your fake wife who was eating three hot dogs and had a tub of popcorn and a bag of peanuts on her lap? Remember when the Screech mascot picked you up and dragged you onto the dugout and tore off your Zubaz? Remember when the Screech mascot started stomping on your head and hairless pre-pubescent beanbag? Remember when the Screech mascot started ass-raping you? Remember how the scoreboard camera showed the homosexual attack for all to see? Remember how the umpire behind the plate called a time-out so that he could pull down his pants and masturbate? Remember how all of the players and almost everyone in the stands also started pleasuring themselves? Remember how the game was broadcast live on Fox as the "game of the week"? Remember when Tim McCarver and Mark Grace started jerking each other off in the announcer's booth? Remember how the Phillies mascot, the Phillie Fanatic, had traveled to the the game and was cheering on the Phillies despite the fact that it was an away game? Remember when the Phillie Fanatic ran over to the dugout and you were relieved because you thought he was going to save you? Remember how less relieved you were when he shoved his beak up your torn asshole and then started spit-roasting you with the Screech mascot? Remember how the Phillie Fanatic and the Screech mascot kept giving each other high-five's? Remember when they blew their loads and then threw you off the top of the dugout onto the concrete floor of the dugout 8 feet below? Remember how you were bleeding all over the place, so they decided to get rid of your body by rolling you up in the rain tarp? You sure learned why baseball is "America's pastime" that time!



"Belding Teaches Diamond About Weight Loss" recap
Posted: May 16, 2010 11:35 PM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where you were in Belding's office and started worrying that you were gaining weight and that Mr. Belding would no longer find you attractive? Remember when Belding tried to reassure you that everything was fine and said that you would feel better after eating lunch? Remember when you said you wanted to eat hot dogs and that you had stored a package of Oscar Meier hot dogs in the Bayside refrigerator? Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, it's funny you should mention that because I have a nice foot-long for you. It's a nice meal and will cause you to lose weight over time!" Remember how you assumed that Belding must have been referring to a secret source of low-fat hot dogs? Remember when you quickly realized that Belding was not talking about hot dogs when he threw you face-first into a row of file cabinets and then shoved his huge cock down your throat? Remember when he said, "How does that foot-long taste, BITCH!!!" Remember when he yanked off your Zubaz and started ass-raping you? Remember when you heard a rustling sound from the closet in Belding's office and then looked over and saw the entire closet door snap off at its hinges and Mr. Tuttle fell to the ground? Remember when you realized that the massive weight of Tuttle's morbidly obese frame was too heavy for the door frame to support? Remember when you saw that Tuttle's pants were down around his ankles and he was masturbating like a champion? Remember when you again looked into the closet and saw Mr. Powers in there sucking off AC Slater and Zack's dad? Remember when you cried out, "Zoinks!" as Belding started anally thrusting harder and harder until he shot his diseased load up your brownpipe? Remember when Belding pulled his cock out of your ass and used your jew-fro to wipe your shit off his cock? Remember how hard you were crying at this point and you asked why Belding had lied to you about losing weight? Remember when Belding said he didn't lie about anything and that you would eventually lose weight when the HIV with which he had just infected you transformed into full-blown AIDS? Belding really taught you a lesson that time!



"Diamond Learns About Static Electricity" recap
Posted: May 5, 2010 08:45 PM (GMT)
Diamond, remember that episode where Belding came to visit you in Wisconsin for Christmas? Remember how you have a thick shag carpet in your bedroom? Remember when you took a shower and got out of the shower completely naked and walked to your bedroom where you were going to service The Big Bopper's sexual needs? Remember how unbeknownst to you, Belding had been sliding his feet on the shag carpet for the past 15 minutes, building up a large charge of static electricity? Remember when you opened the door and Belding said, "Diamond, I want to play with your cock?" Remember how happy it made you that Belding finally wanted to give you sexual pleasure? Remember how less happy you were seconds later when Belding reached out to grab your tiny cock and a large blue spark of static electricity shot from his finger tip to your zoinker? Remember how painful the shock was, causing you to yell out, "Zoinks!" Remember when Belding asked if you liked static electricity and then started stomping on your ribs and jumping on your legs until he heard multiple bones snap? Remember when your chest caved in and Belding yelled out, "Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?" Remember when Belding farted in your face and then rolled you over and raped you as you struggled to breathe and your lungs filled with blood? You sure learned about static electricity that time!



"Corky Visits Bayside" recap
Posted: April 27, 2010 05:23 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where Chris "Corky" Burke from "Life Goes On" fame made a guest appearance on Saved By The Bell? Remember how the storyline of the episode was that Mr. Belding had made Corky through the "Big Brothers" program that matched adults with kids with Downs Syndrome? Remember when Belding took Corky fishing? Remember when Corky accidentally cut his finger on a fish hook and started crying and yelled, "DDEEERRRR!!! CORKY HATES HOOKS!!!! DDEEERRRR!!!" Remember when Belding told Corky that everything would be ok and then took Corky to Bayside for to spend the rest of the day? Remember when Belding introduced Corky to Slater, Zack, and then you? Remember how Corky looked at your huge hook nose and yelled, "Corky hates hook," and then punched you in the nose? Remember how you fell over like a house of cards? Remember when Corky used his mongoloid strength to tear off your Zubaz and then pulled down his pants and started raping you? Remember when the entire Bayside faculty and many students saw what was happening and started clapping and cheering on Corky? Remember when they started chanting, "CORKY! CORKY! CORKY!"? Remmeber when the chanting gave Corky the adrenaline to ass rape you even more violently? Remember how it was the best day of Corky's life and the worst day of yours? Remember when Corky shot his mongo disease-ridden load up your ass and then stood up and started flexing his muscles and doing poses like Hulk Hogan did in the WWF? Remember how Zack and Slater lifted Corky up on their shoulders and carried him down the hall while everyone cheered? Everyone sure liked that lovable 'tard and hated you that time!



"Diamond Dates Mr. Powers" recap
Posted: April 19, 2010 07:30 PM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where you started dating your father on SBTB, Mr. Powers? Remember how you would suck him off in the basement and in the garage? Remember when you found out that he was cheating on you with his wife and your mom, Mrs. Powers? Remember how jealous this made you? Remember when you walked into your TV parents' bedroom and saw that they were engaged in a hot orgy with Hound Dog and AC Slater? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks!!!" Remember how everyone was mad at you for interrupting their deviant group sex? Remember when Kevin the Robot rolled out of the hallway closet and pushed you onto the bedroom floor? Remember when Mrs. Powers sat on your face and made you eat out her dirty ass? Remember when Slater stomped on your ribs and started jerking off? Remember when Mr. Powers tore off your Zubaz and did you right in the ass? Remember when Hound Dog pissed in your Jew-fro? Remember when this assault went on for another 10 minutes until Slater and Mr. and Mrs. Powers had each cum several times and Hound Dog's bladder was completely empty of piss? Your idea to date your own dad really backfired that time!



"Hollywood is Farting" recap
Kurt Steinberg - April 16, 2010 04:48 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that time when you discovered that Mr. Belding was selling phone calls along with other washed-up celebrities on "Hollywood Is Calling"? http://www.hollywoodiscalling.com/

Remember when you hatched your newest get-rich-quick scheme and thought that people would pay $20 apiece to listen to celebrities farting, taking dumps, and spraying diarrhea? Remember when you used all of the money from your t-shirt scam to pay Maxwell Nerdstrom to set up a website for you? Remember when you named the website, "Hollywood is Farting" after narrowly deciding against "Hollywood is Taking a Shit"? Remember when you hid a microphone in the bathroom at The Standard and in the bathrooms at the Taco Bell and Denny's on the Sunset strip? Remember when you taped the farts and diarrhea sounds of washed-up celebrities such Mr. Belding, Mayim Bialik, Scott Bakula, Michael Oliver, and the midget from Fantasy Island? Remember when you started offering the sound clips on your website? Remember how the only person who paid for any of the sound clips was your TV father, Mr. Powers? Remember how you lost thousands of dollars on your scheme and were sued for illegally audiotaping the sounds of washed-up celebrities going to the bathroom? Remember when you had to declare bankruptcy to fend off your creditors, lost your house and car, and now live under a bridge with rabid homosexual bums who violate you every night and jab used hypodermic needles into your hairless ball-sac? You really screwed yourself over that time!



"Belding's Time Machine Portal" recap
Posted: March 24, 2010 09:31 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where Mr. Belding worked with Kevin the Robot to invent a time machine? Remember how instead of using the time machine for the good of the world or to make money on the stock market or gambling, Mr. Belding instead used the time machine send his farts and other bodily waste products back in time? Remember when Kevin the Robot installed a time portal in your bedroom through which items from the future could travel back in time? Remember how Belding would often stick his ass into the time machine and rip ass? Remember how Belding's farts traveled through the fabric of space and time and landed right in your face? Remember how every night Belding's farts would envelop your bedroom? Remember how Kevin built a time machine chair that Belding could sit on naked while he was eating at Taco Bell? Remember how Belding's diarrhea from over 20 years into the future would often travel through the time machine portal and land on your face? Remember how Belding used the time machine as a toilet and sent 30 years worth of piss and shit through the portal and into your bedroom during your senior year at Bayside? Remember when Mr. Tuttle borrowed the machine and jerked off into it in the year 2015? Remember when you contracted new strains of HIV from the semen that passed through the time machine? Belding really used scientific advances to screw you over that time!



"Diamond's 'Hot Tub Time Machine'" Recap
Posted: March 20, 2010 08:14 PM (GMT)

Diamond, remember when you saw that preview for the new movie, "Hot Tub Time Machine"? Remember how you wished you had a hot tub time machine so that you could go back in time and warn your younger self not to trust Mylo, Slater, and Belding because they were homosexual rapists? Remember when you programmed Kevin the Robot to build a hot tub time machine for you? Remember when you stripped down to your Zubaz Speedos and got into the hot time time machine and set it to send you back to 1988 so that you could tell your younger self not to move from Indianapolis to Los Angeles to attend Bayside High School? Remember when Belding appeared out of nowhere and dropped his pants and took a massive dump in your hot tub time machine? Remember how the water in the hot tub portion got really cloudy and smelly and then chunks of Belding's fecal matter clogged up the water filter and broke your hot tub time machine? Remember when Belding yelled, "Where the fuck do you think you're going, SHIT-HEAD!" Remember when Belding yanked you out of the hot tub and started having unprotected buttsex with you completely against your will? Remember when Kevin the Robot rolled over and you gave that his metal cock was extending? Remember when Belding and Kevin started spit-roasting you? Remember how Belding kept giving hi-fives with his hand and Kevin's claw? Remember when Belding shot his diseased load up your ass and Kevin blew his oily robotic load in your mouth at the same time? Remember how you started choking and inhaled Kevin's oily load? Remember how you almost suffocated and died as the oil stuck to your lungs? Kevin the Robot really got you good that time!



"Diamond's Zubaz Jacket" recap
Posted: March 16, 2010 10:25 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where Mrs. Powers gave you a hot pink Zubaz jacket for your 17th birthday? Remember how it was your favorite jacket and you wore it to school every day? Remember how you first wore it to school on Monday, September 21, 1992? Remember how Mylo forgot to tell Belding that the school needed more toilet paper and as a result, the school ran out of toilet paper in the Teacher's lounge? Remember how Belding broke into your locker and pulled out your pink Zubaz jacket and your peanut butter and jelly sandwich and used both as toilet paper in the bathroom stall in the Teacher's lounge? Remember how your peanut butter and jelly sandwich fell apart when Belding tried to wipe his ass with it? Remember when Belding was forced to wipe his ass clean with your Zubaz jacket instead? Remember how it was burrito day in the cafeteria and everyone was taking a dump after lunch? Remember when Belding placed an "out of order" sign on the boy's bathroom and directed everyone to use the bathroom in the Teacher's lounge? Remember how by the end of the day your Zubaz jacket was covered in brown stains and smelled like ass? Remember how numerous partially digested chunks of corn and peanuts were stuck to the collar and in the pockets? Remember how there were also urine stains all over the jacket from where Slater tried to write in his name in piss? Remember when Belding broke into your locker at the end of the day and placed your jacket back inside? Remember when you found the jacket and everyone started laughing at you? Remember how Kevin the Robot was the hall monitor that day for some unexplained reason and he sent you to detention for causing a disruption in the Bayside halls? Remember when you had to sit in detention after school for 45 minutes as the other delinquents threw gum and coins at your head and spit in your jew-fro? Remember how the other kids got sick of throwing things at you and started have gay sex with you, completely against your will? Remember when you were spit-roasted while several other kids farted on you and then jerked off? Remember when your SBTB dad, Mr. Powers, walked into the room and said he was there to rescue you? Remember when he changed his mind and started sucking off the other kids in the detention hall? Remember when Belding walked in and said, "Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?" Remember when Belding dropped his pants and then started kicking you in the head? Remember when Mr. Powers and the kids all started laughing as you got your ass kicked? Remember when the Big Bopper started raping you while Mr. Powers cheered him on and shouted words of encouragement? Remember when Belding grunted and then filled your colon up with HIV+ semen? Remember when Belding picked you up and body-slammed you? Remember when he lifted you up and then pushed your head against the chalkboard and used your jew-fro to clean all of the chalk off the chalkboard? Remember when you lost consciousness but came to in Mr. Power's rusty 1978 Gremlin as he drove you home? Remember when you walked in the house and collapsed on the floor? Remember when Hound Dog sniffed your hair and then started sneezing because he was allergic to the chalk dust in your jew-fro? Remember how mad that made Hound Dog? Remember how Hound Dog decided to get even with you by pissing in your jew-fro? You really learned not to show off your flashy jacket that time!