My "Remember When..." Queer Fantasies - Part VIII

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My "Remember When..." Queer Fantasies - Part VII

Here are some of my "Remember When..." queer fantasies involving Diamond and the rest of the Saved By The Bell gang:

"The Powers Family" recap
Posted: Nov 23 2009, 10:29 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where Mr. and Mrs. Powers spit-roasted you? Remember when Mrs. Powers did you in the ass with a strap-on while Mr. Powers inserted his cock into your mouth and had sex with your throat? Remember how Mr. Powers had just returned home from the truck stop where he had anal sex with random truckers? Remember how Mr. Powers' cock tasted like ass? Remember when Kevin the Robot rolled up behind Mrs. Powers and started doing her in the ass with his metal cock? Remember how Mr. and Mrs. Powers both climaxed at the same time while you were screaming in horror as the tears in your ass bled all over your Saved By The Bell-themed bed sheets? Remember how Kevin the Robot also shot his oily robotic load into Mrs. Powers' ass at this time? Remember when Mr. and Mrs. Powers both sat naked in front of your face and then they each ripped ass? Remember when Mr. and Mrs. Powers climbed back into your bed? Remember when Kevin the Robot also climbed into your bed? Remember how Mr. and Mrs. Powers and Kevin the Robot were each in a state of bliss while you were experiencing excruciating pain? Remember when Kevin pushed you out of your bed because there wasn't enough room for his claws to stretch out? Remember when you landed on Hound Dog, who had been laying on your floor? Remember how mad that made Hound Dog? Remember when Hound Dog decided to teach you a lesson by shitting in your Jew-fro? Your family life really sucked that time!



"Screech Tries to Profit From Anal Rape" ep recap
Posted: Nov 12 2009, 08:38 PM

Diamond, remember all of those episodes when you were ass-raped by Belding, Mylo, Zack's dad, and that bum who Zack found sleeping in the mall? Remember how they pumped gallons upon gallons of their potent seed into your colon every month? Remember when you saw an ad in the paper for sperm bank that was offering to pay for sperm? Remember how the ad indicated that they would pay $75 for a teaspoon for sperm? Remember when you went over to the sperm bank and emptied the contents of your colon into a cup? Remember how you took the cup to the counter and asked for a check? Remember when the nurse weighed it and saw it weighed 1000 teaspoons? Remember when you said, "Zoinks! That will be $75,000 please!" Remember when the nurse said that the doctor would have to approve the check first? Remember when the doctor walked out and you saw it was actually Rod Belding? Remember when Rod said that the sperm you provided was no good because there was some chunks of shit in the cup? Remember when Rod said that you had just wasted his time and said, "Diamond, let me give you back your sperm!" and then poured the contents of the cup down your throat? Remember when you coughed in a gag reflex? Remember how mad that mad Rod and he said, "How dare you cough in my face, you HOOK-NOSE CUM WIZARD!!!" Remember when Rod started stabbing you with hypodermic needles that he pulled out of a medical waste trash can and then tried to strangle you with his stethoscope? Remember when he yanked off your Zubaz and said, "Diamond, you cleaned out your colon. Let me fill you back up with my seed!" Remember when Rod raped you for the next five minutes while a nurse fingered herself? Remember when you looked over and saw that the phone in the room in which you were being attacked was off the hook? Remember when you picked up the receiver and said, "Zoinks! Please help me?" Remember when you heard heavy breathing on the other end of the line and realized that you were on the phone with a pervert who was masturbating during the attack? Remember when the pervert said, "Pushy pushy, move your tushy?" Remember how Rod damaged your sphincter so badly that you had to wear a diaper for the next month? Remember when you had a blood test during a physical exam a couple months later and discovered that you had contracted hepatitis from the hypodermic needles that Rod Belding had used to stab you? You sure got screwed over that time!



The "Courtesy Flush" episode recap
Posted: Nov 9 2009, 12:30 AM

Diamond, this is a repeat recap that I previous wrote in 2007. I think I may have posted it on the now-defunct dustindiamondlove.com forum. Anyway, I decided to post it here so that you can read it and masturbate while thinking about all of your old Bayside memories!:

"Screech, is it true that one day when you were Belding's assistant at Bayside, you really had the urge to take a huge dump after eating burritos at the Bayside cafeteria? Is it also true that Mr. Belding walked into the bathroom at the same time after having eaten his own burritos? Is it true that he announced to the bathroom as he walked in, saying "I need to take a huge SHIT! Ha ha ha!" Is it further true that he sat down in the stall next to yours and all kinds of disgusting sounds and smells emanated from his asshole? Is it true that you started to feel queasy as a result of the smell and said, "Chief, do you mind giving me a courtesy flush? Thanks, Mr. B!" Is it also true that your request enraged and embarrassed Belding? Is it further true that he got even with you by reaching down into his toilet bowl and grabbed some big chunks of shit anf then launched them over the stall wall? Is it also true that one of his chunks of shit had some peanuts with sharp edges on it and it tore your cornea when it hit your eye? Is it also true that you had to have your right eye removed after gangrene set in, and now you have a glass eye? Please confirm the details of this story. I read about it on a bathroom stall door in Reno, Nevada last year."



"Mr. Balding" recap
Posted: Nov 6 2009, 07:24 PM

Diamond, remember that episode where you told Mr. Belding that he needed to start using Rogaine because he was losing his hair? Remember when you started calling him "Mr. Balding" and laughed and said "Zoinks!" each time you said something about Belding's male pattern baldness? Remember how mad your rude comments made Belding? Remember when Belding called you into his office while you were at lunch and you walked into his office and said, "what did you want to see me about Mr. Balding? Zoinks!" Remember when Belding threw a haymaker at you, connecting you your huge hook nose and sending you flying head-first into his bookcase? Remember when Belding said, "I'll show you how much hair I still have! I also have a dandruff problem and you are going to eat my dandruff, you Zubaz-wearing cum wizard!!!" Remember when Belding laid you our on the floor and then started shaking off dandruff from his head? Remember how it looked like a blizzard in Belding's office with his dandruff falling down into your mouth on in your jew-fro and on your face? Remember when Belding said, "how does that dandruff taste, shithead? Now that you're had the main course, how about some dessert? I have some tasty homemade chips for you!" Remember when Belding pulled down his polyester trousers and farted right in your face? Remember how it appeared as though Belding hadn't wiped his ass for weeks? Remember when Bleding started shaking loose fecal chips from his matted ass hair? Remember when the fecal chips landed in your mouth and eyes? Remember when you contracted pink eye? Remember when Belding shook fecal chips loose for the next 15 minutes until he was sick of doing so and then tore off your Zubaz and anally violated you? Mr. Belding sure was sensitive about his baldness that time!



"Diamond Messes With an Ouija Board" recap
Posted: Oct 26 2009, 02:41 AM

Diamond, remember that episode where you got sick and tired of being ass-raped and decided to turn to the supernatural to help you? Remember when you bought an ouija board and decided that you would attempt to talk to spirits who might be able to provide some good advice? Remember when you told Mr. Belding that you had bought an Ouija board? Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, you little faggot, don't mess around with Ouija boards! That's witchcraft and you'll be communicating with the devil and evil entities, you hook-nosed rim goblin!" Remember how you thought Belding was joking and decided to use the ouija board anyway? Remember when you invited Zack and Slater over to your house and you all gathered around the Ouija board? Remember when you dimmed the lights and sat Indian style around the board and you each rested a couple fingers on the pointer on the board? Remember when you said, "Are there any spirits in the room?" Remember when the pointer moved over to "Yes," and you yelled out, "Zoinks!" Remember when you asked Zack and Slater if they moved the pointer, and they both said that they hadn't? Remember when you asked the spirit for its name? Remember when the pointer moved across the board and indicated that the name of the spirit was "Neil," and that it was the gay brother of Beelzebub, an evil demon? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks!" and then asked the spirit to move something in the room? Remember when your desk chair tipped over and your clock radio turned on and then off? Remember when you also felt a warm breeze on your face? Remember how the air blowing by your face smelled like ass? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks!" and then heard a banging on the ceiling? Remember when Zack and Slater yelled, "Dammit Diamond, you're pissing off the spirit! Quit being such a shithead!" Remember when you someone grabbed you from behind and ripping off your Zubaz and started ass-raping you? Remember how you figured that Belding must be the one violating your ass at the time? Remember when Zack flipped on the light and screamed? Remember when Belding walking into your room and shrieked and then fainted? Remember when you realized that Neil really was an evil gay demon and that he was raping you at the time? Remember when you looked over and saw that Slater was strangely unaffected by the presence of evil in the room and was jerking off with Mr. Tuttle who just rolled out from underneath the bed where he had apparently been hiding? Remember how from that day on you would get ass-raped during the day at Bayside and then in your bedroom at night by Neil, the gay demon? You sure learned about the dangers of the occult that time!



"Diamond has a 'Fourth Meal' at Taco Bell" recap
Posted: Oct 23 2009, 09:09 PM

Diamond, remember when you were watching TV in the Bayside teacher's lounge and saw a commercial for Taco Bell that was advertising a "Fourth Meal" to be eaten at Taco Bell at midnight? Remember how Belding had eaten many of such Fourth Meals and was becoming morbidly obese as a result? Remember when you asked Belding to take you to Taco Bell that evening so that you could partake in a Fourth Meal? Remember how Belding agreed to do so and that made you really happy? Remember when Belding picked you up in his 1985 Yugo and you two drove over to Taco Bell that evening? Remember when you and Belding walked into the Taco Bell and ordered 12 tacos and a large Mountain Dew Code Red? Remember when Belding sat down and you reached for one of his tacos? Remember when Belding slapped your hand and said, "Diamond, what do you think you are doing? These are for ME! You'll get your Fourth Meal in a little bit, just be patient, buddy!" Remember when Belding started shoveling tacos into his mouth and crumbs and grease were flying all over the table and onto his shirt and the floor? Remember when Belding leaned over to his right side and ripped a loud fart that caused the employees to start laughing? Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, follow me for your Fourth Meal!" Remember how you got a big grin on your face and happily stood up from the table? Remember when Belding stopped in front of the Men's room and said, "your Fourth Meal is in here?" Remember how you had a confused look on your face and refused to walk into the Men's room because you thought that Belding was pranking you? Remember when Belding grabbed you by the neck and threw you into the bathroom? Remember when you slipped on a puddle of piss on the floor and fell face-first into the sink? Remember when Belding punched you in the chin and squeezed your tiny balls? Remember when you were lying on the bathroom floor and your jew-fro was absorbing several gallons of piss and semen that had accumulated on the floor? Remember when Belding dropped his pants and then positioned his asshole an inch above your mouth and ripped a fart and then unleashed a massive taco-fueled diarrhea tsunami of epic queer proportions? Remember when Belding yelled out, "How do you like that Fourth Meal now, FAGGOT???" Remember when Belding punched you in the stomach and you reflexively swallowed about a pound of diarrhea? Remember when Belding kicked you in the ribs and then ripped off your Zubaz and started violently ass-raping you? Remember when you heard a rustling sound coming from the cabinet beneath the sink? Remember when the cabinet door swung open and Mr. Tuttle rolled out? Remember how Tuttle was naked and masturbating vigorously? Remember when you looked over and saw that the bathroom door was open and several of the Taco Bell employees, including Slater's dad and cousins, were jerking off while watching the homoerotic attack? Remember when the little Taco Bell mascot chihuahua ran into the bathroom and said "Yo quiero Taco Bell" and then pissed onto your Jew-fro? You really learned about the perils of eating a Fourth Meal that time!



"Belding Uses Diamond's Locker as a Urinal" recap
Posted: Oct 20 2009, 05:10 PM

Diamond, remember that episode where AC Slater took such a massive dump in the urinal in the boy's bathroom at Bayside? Remember how Slater's feces clogged up the urinal? Remember how Belding didn't feel like calling a plumber because he was in the middle of one of his hours-long gay phone sex calls at the time? Remember when Belding opened your locker and instructed all of the boys in the school who had to pee to use your locker as a new make-shift urinal? Remember how there was a long line of students waiting to pee in your locker for the rest of the day? Remember when you tried to go to your locker and yelled, "Zoinks!" because all of your belongings were being soaked with piss? Remember when you tried to get to your locker because you needed to get your Geometry textbook? Remember how the people in waiting thought that you were cutting in the line to pee in your locker? Remember when they alerted the hall monitor who just happened to be Zack's dad that day for some unknown reason? Remember how the kids in line interrupted Zack's dad while he was selling computers to the county library? Remember how mad that made Zack's dad? Remember when Zack's dad yelled out, "Hey shithead! There's no cutting in line you ugly Zubaz-wearing cocksucker!!!" Remember when Zack's dad grabbed you and threw you against a room of lockers? Remember when you fell down and then Zack's dad ripped off your Zubaz? Remember when Zack's dad inserted his massive cock into your ass while Coach Sonski inserted his cock into your mouth? Remember when Zack's dad and Coach Sonski spit-roasted you while everyone in line started clapping, cheering, and then jerking off? Remember how Coach Sonski and Zack's dad hi-fived each other several times during his violent homosexual assault? Remember when they each came at the same time, filling your colon and stomach with their diseased-ridden seed? Remember when several teachers emerged from the Teacher's lounge and pissed on your face and kicked you in the ribs? Remember when Mr. Tuttle drove the Driver's Ed golf cart on top of you and popped a wheelie on top of your face, painfully tearing off skin and opening a massive blood-spurting wound? Remember when Tuttle crashed into a row of lockers because he wasn't paying attention and was instead masturbating furiously? Remember when you looked over and saw Mrs. Powers on top of the hood of the Driver's Ed cart? Remember how Mrs. Power's was intensely fingering herself while watching your attack? Remember how you had to have reconstructive facial surgery to repair the damage to your face and also had to throw away several textbooks and a jacket that were ruined by the piss-soaking? The Bayside gang really got you good that time!



"Diamond is Punished for Sniffing Belding's Seat"
Posted: Oct 19 2009, 09:04 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you bought Mr. Belding 10 tacos on a Friday from Taco Bell as a gift for hiring you as his assistant? Remember how happy Belding was, even though he did complain that you did not purchase enough food for him? Remember how he farted several times while eating, causing you to crack a smile? Remember when Belding left his office at 1:00 PM to go pick up his dry cleaning, as he did every Friday? Remember when you closed the door to Belding's office after he left and then started sniffing his leather chair? Remember how you dropped your Zubaz and started jerking off while sniffing the old farts that Belding had ripped while sitting on the chair? Remember how you were fantasizing about jerking off Slater and listening to Belding take a dump while you sniffed his chair and masturbated vigorously? Remember when Belding's office door opened and he said, "Diamond, I forgot my dry cleaning ticket?" Remember how mad he was when he saw you jerking off? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks!" and then pulled up your Zubaz? Remember when Belding punched you in the face and then threw you face-first into his metal file cabinet? Remember when he kicked you in the stomach? Remember when Kevin the Robot rolled out of Belding's coat closet, where he had apparently been hiding for the previous three seasons? Remember how Kevin said he needed an oil change and wanted to drain his old oil into your colon? Remember when Kevin started doing you in the ass while Belding lodged his massive cock in your mouth and made you suck him off? Remember when Mrs. Power appeared from underneath Belding's desk where she had apparently been hiding so that she could give Belding blowjobs throughout the day? Remember when Mrs. Powers stomped on your back with her high heels and then sat down in the corner of the room and fingered herself while you were being helplessly ass-raped? Remember when Kevin shot his oily load up your ass at the same time that Belding unleashed his seed down your throat? Remember when Belding then threw you out the glass window in his office and down onto the concrete pavement? Remember how you were bleeding all over the place? Remember when Belding pissed out the window onto your lifeless corpse? You sure learned about the dangers of masturbation that time!



"Belding Messed With Diamond's Lunch" recap
Posted: Oct 12 2009, 09:39 AM

Diamond, remember that episode where you were eating your peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the Bayside cafeteria? Remember when Mr. Belding walked by and ripped a loud fart right in your face as you ate? Remember when he said, "Aw shit, that was a wet one! I need to clean my ass now!" Remember when you started laughing? Remember when you quickly stopped laughing when Belding grabbed your sandwich and wiped your sandwich up and down his ass crack? Remember when Belding said, "Thanks Diamond!" and then gave you back your sandwich? Remember when you started crying and stopped eating your sandwich? Remember when Belding was insulted and got really mad and said, "What, your sandwich isn't good anymore because it touched my asshole? Well then fuck you, Diamond! We're breaking up now - maybe I'll start dating Maxwell Nerdstrom." Remember how you begged Belding not to dump you and then ate your sandwich with the shit stains on it? Remember when Belding dumped you anyway and you walked into your Western Civ class later that afternoon and saw Mr. Dewey giving Belding a rusty trombone while Mr. Tuttle watched and masturbated and Mrs. Power's played with herself while jerking off Hound Dog? Belding really got you good that time!



"Becky and Hound Dog Teach Diamond a Lesson" recap
Posted: Oct 8 2009, 07:25 PM

Diamond, remember that episode where you walked into your bedroom and interrupted Hound Dog while he was making love to Becky the duck? Remember how mad they were are you for disturbing their sex session? Remember when Becky flew up onto your head and shit in your jew-fro while Hound Dog bit your leg, giving you rabies? Remember when you started foaming at the mouth because of the rabies? Remember when you went into cardiac arrest and Mrs. Power rushed you to the hospital? Remember when you lost consciousness and almost died on the way? Remember how Lisa's mom was your doctor at the hospital? Remember when you regained consciousness and saw that Lisa's mom was pleasuring herself with your huge hook nose? Remember when you yelled, "Zoinks!!!" and then Lisa's mom tried to strangle you with the cord to your IV bag? Remember when you stayed in the hospital for several days and then eventually recovered? You sure learned about the animal kingdom that time!



"Diamond Learns About Snowball Fights" recap
Posted: Oct 6 2009, 07:52 AM

Diamond, remember when you got into that snowball fight with Mr. Belding during the winter of 2001? Remember how Belding had driven all the way from Bayside to your home in Port Washington, WI during December 2001? Remember how there was a snowstorm when Belding rang your doorbell? Remember when Belding hid behind a bush when you answered the door? Remember when you opened the door and said, "Zoinks!" because you didn't see anyone there? Remember when Belding then jumped up and fired a snowball at your head? Remember when you ran outside and started throwing snowballs of your own? Remember how uncoordinated you were and you were unable to hit Belding even though he weighed about 400 lbs? Remember when you stood on the driveway near your garage door as Belding stood 25 feet away on the lawn? Remember when you saw a shadow moving across the snow? Remember when snowballs appeared to be coming from the shadow? Remember when you realized that the shadow was in fact Mylo the janitor, who was as dark as night because he had been frequenting tanning booths for some reason? Remember when Belding dropped his pants and peed on a snowball? Remember when you were hit right in the face with Belding's piss-snowball? Remember when AC Slater appeared out of nowhere and started throwing snowballs at you from the street? Remember when Slater got sick of throwing snowballs and instead started firing rocks from your neighbor's yard? Remember when you were hit in the zoinker and head and fell over? Remember when a stretched limo stopped in front of your house and Mr. Grayson, the rich oilman from the Oil Spill episode, popped his head out the window and said you were going to pay because he wasn't able to drill oil on Bayside's campus? Remember when Mr. Grayson started throwing cans of oil at your head? Remember when your were hit in the head with a heavy can of oil and started crying? Remember how everyone started laughing at you? Remember when the sunroof on the limo slid open and Zack's dad stood up and stuck his head through the sunroof? Remember how Zack's dad was talking on a huge cordless phone? Remember when Zack's dad started throwing Molotov cocktails at you while he sold 75 computers to a law firm in Phoenix, AZ? Remember when your jew-fro caught on fire and your garage started burning? Remember when Hound Dog ran out of your house and peed on your head, extinguishing the fire consuming your jew-fro? Remember how Hound Dog started humping your leg while everyone else was masturbating vigorously? Remember how everyone blew their loads and then drove over to the nearby Olive Garden to grab dinner, leaving you to freeze to death in the artic cold weather? Remember when your house burned down? Remember when your fake wife found you 10 minutes later when she drove home from Taco Bell and yelled at you for forgetting to have a Beef 'n Cheddar sandwich from Arby's ready for her to eat? The Bayside gang really got you good that time!



"Diamond Learns to Play 'Ball Whip' " in Gym Class
Posted: Oct 1 2009, 06:08 PM

Diamond, remember that episode where you were in Coach Sonski's gym class and he said that everyone was going to be playing a new game called "Ball Whip"? Remember how you assumed that this was a game played with kickballs and was probably similar to dodgeball or kickball? Remember when Coach Sonski brought out a bag filled with car antennas and told everyone except for you to take one? Remember how you thought that you were the captain of the class and the coolest kid and figured that Coach Sonski was going to let you play an important position in the Ball Whip game? Remember when you quickly learned that you did have an important, but painful, position in the game a few seconds later when Coach Sonski instructed everyone to whip you in your tiny balls with the car antennas? Remember when Slater whipped you so hard that blood started dripping from your zoinker? Remember how everyone whipped you for several minutes until you passed out? Remember when you regained consciousness 15 minutes later and discovered that your face was covered in semen and diarrhea and that there were 15 car antennas lodged in your colon? You sure learned the importance of physical fitness that time!



"Kevin the Robot's Fling With the Oilman" recap
Posted: Sep 29 2009, 07:58 AM

Diamond, remember that episode where Kevin the Robot dumped you so that he could start dating the rich oilman from the episode where oil is discovered on Bayside's campus? Remember how jealous you were when you saw Kevin and the oilman making love in a bathroom stall of the boy's bathroom at Bayside? Remember when the oilman dumped Kevin when the school board decided not to drill for the oil? Remember when Kevin rolled several miles home from the Holiday Inn where the oilman had been staying? Remember when you welcomed back Kevin with open arms? Remember when you and Kevin started making out in your bedroom? Remember when you felt something poking in your crotch and you looked down and saw that Kevin was sporting a huge new titanium cock that the oilman had purchased for Kevin? Remember when Kevin viciously ass-raped you with that titanium cock several minutes later while your mom sat on top of your desk and fingered herself? Technology really screwed you over that time!



"Bayside Beats Valley" recap
Posted: Sep 21 2009, 03:54 AM

Diamond, remember that episode where Slater threw a last-second touchdown to wide receiver Rod Belding to beat Valley to win the football tournament back in 1992? Remember when everyone celebrating by viciously ass-raping you on the football field after the game? Remember when Rod and Slater spit-roasted you while Zack's dad, Maxwell Nerdstrom, and Hound Dog pissed on you and Tuttle jerked off onto your body? Remember when they were done and then Ox and Moose dumped a huge cooler filled with Gatorade onto your body? Remember when Ox emptied the Gatorade and then dropped the empty cooler onto your bird-chest? Remember when Moose picked up the cooler and started beating you with it, caving in your nose and eye sockets? Remember how Becky the duck snapped at your tiny zoinker with her beak? Remember how Becky the duck ate your tiny balls because they were so small that she thought they were bird seed? Remember how your mom, Mrs. Powers, sat on top of the port-a-potty and fingered herself during this attack? The Bayside football team and its fans really got you good that time!

My "Remember When..." Queer Fantasies - Part VI

Here are some of my "Remember When..." queer fantasies involving Diamond and the rest of the Saved By The Bell gang:

"Diamond Learns About Flossing" recap
Posted: Sep 8 2009, 08:37 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you saw that several of Mr. Belding's gray pubes were stuck to the rim of the urinal in the teacher's lounge? Remember when you grabbed Belding's pubes and started flossing with them? Remember when Belding ran into the bathroom and jumped onto the toilet seat and sprayed diarrhea because he had just eaten some bad tacos? Remember when Belding wiped and then flushed the toilet and walked over to wash his hands? Remember when he saw that you were flossing with his pubes? Remember how mad that made Belding and he started yelling at you? Remember how you thought that Belding was mad that you were stealing his precious pubic hair? Remember when Belding said he didn't care whether you took his discarded pubes, but that you were not allowed to clean your teeth because he wanted your teeth to rot and fall out? Remember how Belding said that you would give him better blowjobs without teeth? Remember when Belding kicked your face in and then vicously ass-raped you until his shot his STD-ridden load up your ass? Remember when the ceiling tiles started squeaking and then you looked up and saw your mom on the show, Mrs. Powers, falling through the ceiling tiles to the ground? Remember how she was naked from the waist down and was fingering her shaved cooch to your cries for help? You really learned about flossing in that episode!



"Diamond Learns About Nutrition" episode recap
Posted: Sep 2 2009, 06:22 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you were in Mr. Dewey's Science class and the topic that day was nutrition? Remember when you raised your hand and said, "Zoinks! Is it true that you are what you eat?" Remember when Mr. Dewey replied, "It's true in your case - it explains why you have cock breath, pubic hair growing on your head, and your sweat smells like Mr. Belding's farts!" Remember when you started crying and everyone in the class started laughing uncontrollably? Remember when Dewey got mad at you for disrupting his class and started throwing chalk and erasers at you? Remember when everyone else in the class started throwing books, chairs, and beakers full of acid at you? Remember when Slater tore off your Zubaz and inserted his cock into your ass while Maxwell Nerdstrom lodged his massive penis into your mouth? Remember how much pain you were in at the time? Remember when the door to the supply closet in the back of the room suddenly swung open and your mom on the show, Mrs. Powers, fell out onto the floor? Remember how relieved you were to see your mom? Remember how much less relieve you were when you saw that her skirt was up and she was fingering herself to the sounds of your cries for help? You sure learned about nutrition that time!



"Diamond Learns How To Play Boggle" recap
Posted: Aug 28 2009, 10:48 PM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you were playing Boggle with Zack, Slater, and Belding at Belding's wooden dinner table? Remember when it was your turn to shake up the lettered dice? Remember when you put the plastic lid on top of the Boggle board and shook up the dice? Remember how Belding had an ear infection at the time and got really mad at you for shaking the Boggle dice too loudly? Remember when he yelled, "Dammit Diamond, why are you shaking those dice so loudly, you shithead hook-nosed rim goblin!!!???" Remember when Belding punched you in the face, knocking you onto the kitchen floor? Remember when Belding picked up the 150-lb wooden kitchen table and smashed it down onto your frail body, trapping you underneath? Remember when Slater tore off your Zubaz and then Slater, Zack, and Belding took turns having voilent anal sex with your butthole and jumping on top of the table? Remember how you broke three ribs and contracted genital warts during this vicious attack? You really learned about the rule of Boggle that time!



"Diamond Learns About Toilet Paper" recap
Posted: Aug 25 2009, 07:52 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where Mr. Belding had that pizza party over at his house to celebrate the graduation of Zack, Slater, and the rest of the gang from Bayside? Remember how you used Belding's bathroom to take a dump? Remember how you used several piece of toilet paper to wipe your ass and then flushed the toilet and rejoined the party? Remember when Belding walked into the bathroom and saw the the toilet paper roll had been moved and realized that you had used some of his precious toilet paper? Remember how mad that made Belding? Remember when Belding ran into his living room where you and Zack were playing Super Mario Bros. on Belding's Nintendo? Remember when Belding screamed at you, "Dammit Diamond, how dare you use MY toilet paper, you hook-nosed cock-sucking Jewish rim goblin?" Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, if you have to wipe yourself, use your shorts or bring your own toilet paper, ASSHOLE!!!" Remember when Belding started throwing Nintendo cartridges at you as hard as he could? Remember when Slater and Zack started punching you while Belding kicked you in the head? Remember when Belding and Slater dragged you outside into the yard and tore off your Zubaz and started spit-roasting you?

Remember when you looked saw a bush move across the street and thought that it must be Tuttle masturbating? Remember how relieved you were when you realized that it was your own mom, Mrs. Powers? Remember how you thought she would rescue you? Remember when you quickly realized that she wasn't going to rescue you when you saw that her panties were down around her ankles and she was fingering herself to the sounds of you screaming? Remember when you heard a crackling sound and saw a bunch of sparks shooting out of the light post across the street? Remember when you looked up and saw that Mr. Tuttle was on top of the light post masturbating furiously? Remember how the immense weight of Tuttle's morbidly obese body caused the steel light post to snap in half and Tuttle crashed down onto the street? Remember when a van drove over him? Remember how Tuttle kept jerking off despite massive internal bleeding and only stopped after blowing his load and losing consciousness? Remember when Hound Dog walked through his doggie door into the yard and got mad because you were being ass-raped right in the spot where he wanted to take a dump? Remember when Hound Dog jumped onto your back and shit all over the shirt you were wearing? Your sure learned about toilet paper that time!



"Diamond Teaches Mr. Belding a Lesson" Recap
Posted: Aug 10 2009, 09:17 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode of Saved By The Bell where the cafeteria made Mexican food? Remember how you ate several beef tacos and Mr. Belding ate seven beef tacos, two enchiladas, and three beef burritos? Remember how greasy the lunch meal was? Remember how the episode script called for you to walk into the bathroom in the teacher's lounge and be coated with a diarrhea spray from Belding? Remember how happy you were when you read the script because you enjoyed Belding's warm and tasty diarrhea sprays? Remember how you were an expert on diarrhea and knew that people who go diarrhea a lot become dehydrated due to the discharge of water, salts, and electrolytes in their liquefied stools? Remember how you decided to use your fecal expertise to get even with Mr. Belding for all of the times his viciously ass-raped you and gave you dangerous STDs? Remember when the filming of the bathroom scene began and you were supposed to yell out "Zoinks!!!" when Belding sprayed the diarrhea in your face? Remember when you opened the bathroom door and were hit with a massive diarrhea spray and Belding also unleashed a ridiculously loud fart? Remember when you uttered "Yuck!!!" Remember how the director got mad at you for screwing up your line and said, "Dammit, you hook-nosed rim goblin! Now we have to re-shoot the scene again, ass-fuck!!!" Remember how the director that day was your father, singer Neil Diamond, and that he hated you? Remember when you opened the bathroom door for the second take and Belding sprayed diarrhea in your face and you fell over and yelled, "Aw snap!!!" Remember when the director and everyone on the set got mad at you for having screwed up your line for the second time? Remember when you re-shot the same scene several more times until the fifth take when Belding sprayed a small amount of diarrhea in your face and then passed out from extreme dehydration? Remember when you pulled down your Zubaz and started jerking off your tiny cock? Remember when you blew a load onto Belding's unconscious body? Remember how your microscopic balls produced a load so small that it actually evaporated before it reached Belding's face? Remember when you started yelling, "Zoinks!!! Zoinks!!! Diamond's the man!!! Zoinks!!!" Remember when Slater threw a paperweight at your head to shut you up because you were being extremely annoying? Remember when you regained consciousness several minutes later? Remember when you subsequently contracted tetanus from all of the diarrhea sprays Belding gave you that day? Remember when Mr. Belding violently raped you every day for the next week and broke several of your rubs during these homosexual encounters? Remember how contracting tetanus and being violently beaten were worthwhile in exchange for finally getting the better of Mr. B for once? You sure taught Belding a lesson about diarrhea that time!



"Diamond Learns About Answering Machines" recap
Posted: Jul 28 2009, 08:01 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you saw an ad for Ross department stores that indicated that Zubaz were on sale for 20% off? Remember how happy that made you because you had been thinking about purchasing a new pair of pink Zubaz after you ruined your last pair during a diarrhea accident at Taco Bell? Remember when you called Mr. Belding to inform him of the good news? Remember how Belding didn't answer the phone, so you left a message on his answering machine? Remember how you uttered, "Zoinks, Mr. B!!! Ross is selling my Zubaz for 20% off! Zoinks! Zoinks!" Remember when Mr. Belding arrived at his house a couple hours later and saw the red light blinking on his answering machine? Remember how happy he was because he thought that the x-rated video store was leaving him a message to tell him that "Gay Teabaggers #7" was finally in stock? Remember when he pushed the button to listen to the message and discovered that it was a message from you? Remember how mad that made Belding? Remember when Belding hopped into his car and sped over to your house? Remember when Belding saw you on your driveway shooting basketball? Remember when Belding yelled out, "Diamond, how dare you leave a message on my answering machine, you ZUBAZ-WEARING HOOK-NOSED COCKSUCKING PIECE OF JEWISH SHIT!!!! You should know better than to call me when I'm not in!" Remember when you replied, "Zoinks Mr. B! How am I supposed to know whether you are in unless I call?" Remember how your flippant remark enraged Belding? Remember when Belding picked up your basketball and fired in at your nose? Remember when it hit you right in the conk and blood spurted everywhere? Remember when Belding yelled, "Diamond you are making a mess on the driveway. Let me rake up the garbage?" Remember when Belding grabbed a lawn rake from your garage and started rubbing the sharp edges over your face, causing even more bleeding? Remember when Belding yanked off your Zubaz and sodomized you with the rake handle? Remember when Belding pulled the rake handle out of your ass and then inserted his cock into your ass and started ass-slamming you? Remember when several cars drove by on the street and the passengers were honking their horns and cheering? Remember when Belding shot his load up your ass with such force that you flew off his cock like a rocket and landed in your neighbor's tree and then fell to the ground? Remember when you heard a rumbling sound and looked over and saw that your basketball hoop was wobbling? Remember how the hoop was mounted on a metal pole encased in 300 lbs of concrete? Remember when you looked up and saw Tuttle sitting on the backboard with his pants around his ankles, masturbating vigorously? Remember when the basketball backboard snapped in half and Tuttle came crashing down onto the ground and hit his head on the concrete? Remember how Tuttle kept jerking off until he blew his load and then passed out and went into a coma? You sure learned about answering machine etiquette that time!



"Diamond's Weinermobile Ride" episode recap
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Kurt Steinberg
Posted: Jul 8 2009, 06:29 AM

Diamond, I just read that the real-life Oscar Meyer recently died. This reminded me of the episode where you and Mr. Belding were eating hot dogs in the teacher's lounge at Bayside. Remember how there was a notice on the hot dog package about a contest to ride in the official Oscar Meyer "Weinermobile"? Remember how you had always wanted to ride in the Weinermobile and used to hum the Oscar Meyer jingle while taking dumps? Remember when Belding told you that he pulled some strings and would give you a ride on his Weinermobile? Remember how surprised you were, as you hadn't realized that Belding owned a Weinermobile? Remember when you eagerly agreed and then Belding dropped his pants and whipped out his enormous cock? Remember when he forcefully lodged his erect cock into your ass and said, "How's the ride? I know my Weinermobile may go on a bumpy ride, but it handles well, you ZUBAZ-WEARING COCKSUCKER!!!" Remember when Belding ass-raped you for the next 10 minutes and then sodomized you with his Principal of the Year trophy? Belding really taught you something that time!



"Belding Gives Diamond a New Fuck Hole" ep recap
Posted: Jul 6 2009, 06:48 AM

Diamond, remember that time when Slater and Zack's dad were double-teaming you? Remember how Slater's cock was in your mouth while Zack's dad's cock while pounding away at your ass? Remember when Mr. Belding saw this and got mad because you didn't have any holes for him to fuck at the time? Remember when Belding remedied the situation by pulling out a .357 caliber Magnum handgun and shot you in the chest? Remember how the gunshot left a hole in your chest? Remember when Belding had sex with the bullet hole in your chest, using your blood gushing out as lubrication? Remember when Belding shot a huge load into your chest and you nearly died from the combination of blood loss and all of the STDs that passed from Belding's diseased semen into the bloodstream in your chest? Belding really got you good that time!



Diamond Plays Dodgeball
Posted: Jun 24 2009, 10:45 PM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you were playing dodgeball in Coach Rizzo's gym class? Remember how Rizzo changed the rules so that you didn't have to leave the game if you were hit with the ball? Remember how everyone was throwing dodgeballs at you as hard as they could? Remember when Ox couldn't find a dodgeball, so he threw a bowling ball at you instead? Remember when Slater threw a chunk of wood from the bleachers at your head? Remember when Coach Rizzo joined in the fun and started whipping dodgeballs at your head? Remember when Rizzo threw a dodgeball with such force that it got stuck the left nostril of your gigantic hook nose? Remember when Zack slammed the back of your head into a brick wall to dislodge the ball? Remember when you lost consciousness and then woke up 20 minutes later in a puddle of piss, semen, and diarrhea? You sure learned about the importance of physical education in that episode!



"Diamond Learns About Gambling" recap
Posted: Jun 8 2009, 08:25 PM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you played cards at Slater's house and Mr. Belding, Maxwell Nerdstrom, Ox, Mr. Tuttle, and Zack's dad? Remember how odd it was that Zack's dad played cards at Slater's house with your group even though Zack was out on a date with Kelly? Remember how much fun you had and Belding suggested they all gather at your house the next week for a game of craps? Remember how you assumed that when Belding said "craps," he was referring to the gambling dice game? Remember when Belding, Nerdstrom, Ox, and Zack's dad showed up at your house the next week? Remember when Belding said, "Let's play craps biatch!" Remember when Belding dropped his pants and took a massive dump in your underwear drawer and then said, "Hey Diamond, I just crapped out!" Remember when Ox shit all over your Zubaz suit and said, "That was a lucky number seven Diamond, come suck my cock!" Remember when Zack's dad stuck his ass in the laundry chute and took a dump while selling 50 computers on his huge cordless brick-sized phone? Remember when Nerdstrom took out Kevin the Robot's battery pack and shit on Kevin's wheels and wiped his ass clean with Kevin's claws and then reattached Kevin's battery pack? Remember when Kevin began to boot up and then saw the shit on his wheels and claws and thought that you had done this to him? Remember how mad that made Kevin the Robot? Remember when Kevin started ass-raping you with his metal cock while everyone jerked off? Remember when you heard a rumbling sound coming from the attic above your bedroom and looked up and saw Mr. Tuttle crash through the ceiling and down onto your bed? Remember how his pants were down around his ankles and he was masturbating vigorously? Remember when he blew his load and then sprayed diarrhea on your pillow? Remember when everyone gave each other high-fives and then went over to Pizza Hut to share a deep dish "Meat Lovers" pizza, leaving you in a puddle of blood, oil (from Kevin's cock), and liquid shit? Remember when your mom came home and saw the mess and grounded you for a year? You sure learned the dangers of gambling that time!



"The Masturbation Contest" episode recap
Posted: May 12 2009, 11:03 PM

Diamond, remember that episode where you and Maxwell Nerdstrom were having a masturbation contest? Remember how Mr. Belding was the referee? Remember how Belding wore Ox's wrestling singlet while officiating, even though Ox's singlet was way too small for Belding's morbidly obese body? Remember how the singlet rode up Belding's ass crack, much like a g-string?

Remember when you and Nerdstrom were both naked and Belding opened up the Bayside yearbook to a picture of Zack Morris? Remember when Belding said, "Let the game begin - start jerking!" Remember how you fantasized that you were making out with Zack and Kevin the Robot while you were tossing off? Remember when you quickly came and shot a tiny load of cum up into the air and then caught it on the tip of your tongue? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks! That's two points! I win!" Remember when Belding blew a whistle right in your ear and said, "Foul! You goaltended, Diamond!" Remember when Belding said that your punishment for goaltending was to suck his cock? Remember when you tore a hole in Belding's wrestling singlet and started sucking his cock? Remember when Slater appeared out of nowhere and started ass-raping you? Remember when Zack started stomping on your back while wearing soccer shoes? Remember how you broke several ribs during this attacks and caught several dangerous STDs?

Diamond, you sure were a dipshit in that episode! Come on, there were no rules to that masturbation game, so why was Belding even officiating it in the first place? You totally deserved everything that happened to you in that episode and learned many valuable lessons!



"Diamond Visits a Job Fair" episode recap
Posted: Apr 3 2009, 12:35 AM

Diamond, do you remember that time when you went to a tech company job fair and ran into Rod Belding? Remember when Rod said that he had a "RIM job for you"? Remember how you assumed that he was a recruiter and had a job opening at Research In Motion ("RIM"), the company that sells Blackberrys? Remember how happy that made you feel because you were finally going to hold a real job and no longer had to work for minimum wage as Principal Belding's assistant? Remember when Rod walked you to a janitor's closet for your "job interview"? Remember when Rod told you that the job fair at overbooked and that was the reason why his office was in the janitor's closet? Remember when Rod slugged you in the gut and then threw you face-first against the wall in the janitor's closet? Remember when Rod dropped his pants and farted right in your face? Remember when he shit onto your chin and said you'd better lick his asshole clean? remember when Rod said this was the "RIM job" he had told you about and that you'd better do a good job if you ever wanted to get a referral? Remember when Rod started masturbating while you tossed his salad? Remember how bad his asshole smelled? Remember when Rod blew his HIV+ load and it landed in your jew-fro? Remember when Rod said "well Diamond, I already gave the job to your mom, but thanks for interviewing. We'll be in touch!" Remember how your breath smelled like Rod' ass for the rest of the day and you never did get any job interviews out of the job fair? You sure were a loser that time!



"Diamond Learns About cancer" recap
Posted: Mar 23 2009, 08:04 AM

Diamond, remember how self-conscious you used to feel while showering with the other kids at Bayside after swimming class because they all had giant cocks which were much bigger than your baby dick? Remember how Coach Sonski was the swimming class instructor and used to measure everyone's cock in the showers? Remember how Coach Sonski measured Maxwell Nerdstrom's cock and made fun of him for having such a small penis, because it was "only" 10 inches long? Remember when he measured yours and said he was going to take a picture and submit it to the Guiness Book of World Records because you only measured in at 0.75 inches?

Remember how you went to Belding's office and cried because your cock and balls were so small? Remember when Belding said he could help you get bigger balls? Remember how happy that made you? Remember when Belding told you to meet him at the nuclear power plant that evening for a "therapy" session that was guaranteed to help you out? Remember when you showed up that evening and Belding made you suck him off and let him fart into your mouth several times before starting the therapy session? Remember when Belding told you to walk into a special chamber room and that he would follow you in later? Remember how you waited in the chamber for several minutes and then Belding walked in wearing a radiation suit while holding something that was neon green and glowing? Remember when you asked Belding why he was wearing a radiation suit and he replied that he didn't want a bigger cock or balls because he was already hung like a horse? Remember when Belding asked you to pull down your Spider-man Underoos and then rubbed the glowing neon stick over your balls for several minutes? Remember when Belding said, "that's it Diamond, your session is over. Let me hose you down outside?" Remember when Belding walked you outside the chamber and then pissed all over you and told you that you'd have bigger balls in a couple months?

Remember when your balls did start growing within a couple months? Remember when you noticed that your balls were as hard as rocks, but that your cock didn't seem to be growing? Remember when you told Belding about this and he said it was a normal response? Remember when your balls kept growing bigger and bigger and you started experiencing back pain and fatigue? Remember when Belding against said that this was perfectly normal? Remember when you started pissing blood a few days later and your mom took you to the emergency room? Remember when the doctor examined you and said that you had testicular cancer? Remember when you had a full body CAT-scan x-ray and the doctor said that the x-ray showed that the cancer had spread to your chest and brain and that you would need to get your balls cut off and would have to undergo chemotherapy? Remember how mad the doctor was at you for taking so long to go to the hospital? Remember when the doctor said he needed to operate right away, but that your mom on the show, Mrs. Powers, had failed to keep her medical insurance current, so you were not eligible for the best treatment? Remember when the doctor said that your health insurance didn't cover anesthesia? Remember when the doctor pulled out an axe and chopped off your balls and then started juggling them? Remember how blood was spurting everywhere and so the doctor cauterized the wound with a blowtorch?

Remember how your cock no longer works and you now have to take testosterone treatments for the rest of your life? Remember when you were undergoing a chemo session and Belding and AC Slater came over and viciously attacked you while you were in an especially weakened state? Remember how the chemo made your hair fall out and Belding took a dump on your head and wrote his initials in it? Belding sure got you good that time!

My "Remember When..." Queer Fantasies - Part V

Here are some of my "Remember When..." queer fantasies involving Diamond and the rest of the Saved By The Bell gang:

"Diamond is Attacked After Swimming" ep recap
Posted: Mar 11 2009, 09:05 AM

Diamond, remember that episode where you showered after taking a swimming gym class? Remember how you were naked and everyone grabbed towels and started snapping them at you? Remember when Coach Sonski snapped a wet towel right on your boney ass? Remember how much that hurt? Remember when Ox snapped a towel right in your crotch and Slater snapped a towel on the tip of your hooked nose? Remember when your nose started dripping blood? Remember when Mr. Belding yelled out, "Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?!!" Remember how mad Belding was when he saw you dripping blood on the shower floor? Remember when Belding picked up a large bar of Dial soap and nailed you right in the face with it? Remember when Zack's dad appeared out of nowhere and rolled the big plastic towel cart toward you, slamming you into the wall? Remember how he pinned you against the wall while everyone fired bars of soap at you?

Remember when Zack's dad let you go and then Mr. Dewey started sodomizing you with a bottle of Suave brand shampoo? Remember when Dewey lodged an entire bottle of shampoo up your now-torn rectum? Remember when Mr. Hooper, the child molesting bicycle repair shop man from the Diff'rent Strokes episode, showed up and rode over you with a tandem bike that he rode with your mom on the show, Mrs. Powers? Remember how you were crying uncontrollably at this time? Remember how much that turned on Mrs. Powers? Remember when Mrs. Powers removed her skirt and started fingering herself while she sucked on Zack's cock? Remember when Slater started doing Zack's dad in the ass? Remember when Slater gave Zack's dad a reach-around and Zack's dad blew a huge load into your face? Remember how several students started stomping on your face and threw locks and other random gym locker room equipment at you while they tried to kill you? Remember when Slater finally yelled out that you'd had enough and then picked you up and carried you into the bathroom? remember when Slater launched you face-first into a toilet bowl that Mr. Tuttle had clogged up earlier in the day with a huge dump? You sure got screwed over that time!



"Diamond Goes on a Field Trip" recap
Posted: Mar 9 2009, 08:55 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where your class took a field trip to the La Brea Tar Pits? Remember when you went into the bathroom and stared at Belding and Slater while they were taking a piss? Remember when they saw you leering at them and called you a "Jew Faggot" and then peed on you and threw you into a big tar pit? Remember how you almost died and were only saved when Belding dropped his pants and then waded into the tar pit and farted? Remember how powerful Belding's fart was? Remember how the force of Belding's fart ejected you from the tar pit and launched you up into a nearby tree? Remember how the tree had sharp branches? Remember when one of the branches pierced the cornea of your right eyeball, permanently blindind you in that eye? Remember how you started crying and told Belding you couldn't see? Remember when Belding started laughing and said, "Then I guess you won't see this cumming, BITCH!" and then jerked off into your damaged eye? Remember how Belding's diseased seed caused a bad infection, causing your right eyeball to fall out? Remember when Slater kicked your eyeball into the sewer as everyone on the field trip clapped and laughed? Remember how your mom, Mrs. Powers, was a chaperone on the field trip? Remember how she was leading the clapping and then lifted her skirt and started fingering herself while you cried? Remember when Slater walked over to Mrs. Powers and started doing her in the ass? Remember how this was the worst day in your life and to this day you wear a glass eye and aren't allowed to drive an automobile because you have no depth perception? The Bayside gang really got you good that time!



"Anthrax Scare" episode recap
Posted: Mar 4 2009, 09:56 PM

Diamond, remember that day back in 2002 when Belding ran through the halls of Bayside and yelled that there was an anthrax attack? Remember how Belding threw a piece of cloth to you and instructed you to place it over your mouth? Remember when you did place the cloth over your mouth and discovered that it was coated in some kind of gooey liquid? Remember when Belding started laughing and then you pulled the cloth away from your face and discovered that you were holding AC Slater's ten-year-old jock strap over your mouth? Remember when Belding told you that he had stolen Slater's jock strap back in 1992 after wrestling practice and had jerked off into it thousands of times over the years? Remember when Belding told you that Tuttle and Mylo the janitor had also jerked off into the jock strap earlier that day? Remember how Belding took a photograph of you holding Slater's jock strap with cum dripping off your chin? Remember when Belding made an enlarged poster from the photo and prominently displayed it at the Class of 1993's Ten Year Reunion held the next year, in 2003? Remember when Slater and Ox viciously ass-raped you at the reunion for messing with wrestling jock straps? You sure got screwed over that time!



"Kevin and the Exxon Valdez" episode recap
Posted: Feb 26 2009, 10:38 PM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where Kevin wore a life preserver and pretended to be the drunken Captain Joseph Hazelwood of the Exxon Valdez, the massive oil tanker which ran around in Alaska in 1989? Remember when Kevin started pounding your ass and then said that he was going to crash into some rocks and breach the ship's hull? Remember when Kevin then shot a massive load of oil into your brownpipe which then squirted out of your ass and all over the place? Remember when Kevin's oil coated Hound Dog's fur and Hound Dog started suffocating? Remember when the Greenpeace activist Jessie Spano saw the oil spilled on the floor and started protesting outside your house and threw rocks through your windows? Remember Mylo the janitor walked into your bedroom smoking a crack pipe? Remember when he dropped his hot crack pipe and it landed in a puddle of oil and ignited in fire? Remember when your house burned down killing Hound Dog, and you were charged with arson? Remember when you spent 5 years in prison? Remember how your cellmate, Tyrone Washington, had rough sex with your every night, completely against your will while the other inmates listened and jerked off? You sure learned about the hazards of oil spills that time!



"Diamond watches the State of the Union Speech"
Posted: Feb 25 2009, 04:32 AM

Diamond, remember that special "live" Saved By The Bell episode that aired tonight during Obama's State of the Union speech? Remember how you and the rest of the Saved By The Bell gang was over at Belding's house watching the speech? Remember how the speech was supposed to begin at 8:00 PM, but Obama took 15 minutes to walk to the podium, stopping along the way to shake hands with everyone? Remember how annoyed that made you? Remember when you yelled out, "What's the deal with Obama? Why does he keep shucking and jiving? Is he on 'nigger time'? Zoinks!!!" Remember when Mylo yelled out, "Shut the fuck up, you hook-nosed honkey!! Mylo's gone git his, muthafucka!!!" Remember when Mylo cracked you over the head with his mop, which he apparently brought with him to Belding's house? Remember when the black nerd on the show, Ollie Creekly, jumped up and tore off his trousers? Remember when Mylo inserted his diseased cock up your ass while Ollie stuck his in your mouth? Remember when Mr. Dewey was cracking you in the back with Mylo's mop?

Remember when Slater started kicking you in the ribs with his football cleats? Remember when Maxwell Nerdstrom started sucking Zack's dad's cock and Kevin the Robot started doing your mom on the show, Mrs. Powers, right in the ass with his metal cock? Remember when Zack, Coach Rizzo, and Ox started jerking off while watching you being viciously attacked? Remember when your large screen CRT television started wobbling and you looked over and saw the TV tipped over, the glass tube shattered, and Mr. Tuttle rolled out? Remember how you realized that Tuttle had apparently been hiding in the TV box while masturbating vigorously? Remember how Tuttle had multiple lacerations from where the broken shards of glass from the glass tube cut his morbidly obese body? Remember when Tuttle blew a load, staining Belding's carpet with cum in the process, and then died? Remember when Belding blamed you for all of the blood and cum stains on his carpet and suspended you without pay from your job as his assistant at Bayside? Obama's State of the Union speech really screwed you over that time!



"Diamond Takes the SAT" recap
Posted: Feb 19 2009, 06:53 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where Belding was proctoring the SATs? Remember how he was the timekeeper while everyone at Bayside was taking the test? Remember when you coughed and Belding got really mad and started screaming at you for ruining the test? Remember how you were subjected to violent teabagging, anal rapes, Cleveland Steamers, Angry Pirates, and Baby Birds, among other gay sex moves for the next two hours? Remember how Belding even called Zack's dad to come over and enjoy the festivities? Remember how Zack still managed to score a 1502 on his SATs despite masturbating for 10 minutes during the math section? Standardized tests really screwed you over that time!



"Diamond Meets the 'Bash Brothers'" recap
Posted: Feb 18 2009, 10:24 AM

Diamond, remember how you were a huge fan of the Oakland A's baseball team in the late 1980s? Remember how you followed Mark McGwire's monster rookie season in 1987 and Jose Canseco's awesome 40-40 season in 1988? Remember when Canseco and McGwire visited Bayside after winning the 1988 World Series? Remember how had just graduated from John F. Kennedy Junior High in Indianapolis, IN in spring 1988 and were now attending Bayside High School in Southern California in fall 1988? Remember when Canseco and McGwire spoke in the Bayside auditorium? Remember how Canseco and McGwire had just injected each other in the butt with steroids 15 minutes prior to speaking to the school? Remember how roided-out Canseco and McGwire were at this time? Remember how the steroids affected their vision and made them horny? Remember when Jose Canseco saw your Jew-fro and thought it was a hairy pussy? Remember when Mark McGwire saw your Zubaz and assumed that you had a tight virgin male butthole? Remember when Canseco showed his cock into your mouth and McGwire ripped off your Zubaz and lodged his dick up your asshole? Remember when you attempted to yell out, "Zoinks!," but couldn't because your mouth was full of Canseco's hispanic cock? Remember how Canseco and McGwire spit-roasted you for the next 15 minutes while giving each other their famous "forearm bash" moves? Remember when Canseco and McGwire both dumped several loads of hot cum in you? Your child memories sure were ruined that time!



"Diamond Gets a Flu Shot" recap
Posted: Feb 9 2009, 09:25 PM

Diamond, do you remember that time when you went into the nurse's office at Bayside to get your annual flu shot? Remember how you walked into the office and saw that AC Slater was your nurse? Remember how Slater said that he was just helping out the regular nurse? Remember when Slater injected you with a shot of anti-freeze, instead of the advertised flu vaccine? Remember how you quickly collapsed and suffered from blood poisoning? Remember when you begged Slater to call an ambulance? Remember when Slater said he would, after he "got his"? Remember when Slater farted all over you and had unprotected sex with your butthole? Remember when you suffered kidney failure and spend the next 6 months in the hospital hooked up to a dialysis machine? Remember how you reeked of the smell of baked tortillas as a result of Slater's potent farts? The Bayside gang really got you good that time!



"Belding, the 'Incredible Hulk'" episode recap
Posted: Feb 9 2009, 04:48 PM

Diamond, do you remember how "The Incredible Hulk" was your favorite TV show? Remember how you used to jerk off while looking at Lou Ferrigno dressed up in the Hulk costume? Remember how you liked it when Bruce Banner on that show would say, "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry?" and then he would turn green and enlarge and become the Incredible Hulk?

Remember when you were in Belding's office after school at Bayside one day and asked Belding for some career advice? Remember when you told Belding you wanted to go get a college degree and become a medical doctor? Remember when Belding suggested that a better career move would be for you to pay $15k tuition to attend college for one year and then drop out and become his assistant for a salary of $7/hour? Remember when you thanked Belding and then said, "Zoinks!!" several times? Remember how annoying you were being? Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, don't make me angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry?" Remember how you assumed that Belding said that because he knew that The Incredible Hulk was your favorite TV show? Remember when you started touching various items on Belding's desk and accidentally knocked a pen onto the ground? Remember how mad that made Belding? Remember when Belding pulled off his clothes and said, "You did it Diamond, now I am so angry you hook-nosed rim goblin!" Remember how Belding's cock was green from all of the STDs and cancer he had contracted? Remember when Belding's cock started to get bigger, just like the Incredible Hulk's body on the TV show? Remember when Belding stuck his cock up your ass and raped you, paining tearing apart your rectum? Remember when Belding pumped your torn ass full of his diseased seed? You sure learned the consequences of being annoying that time!



"Diamond's Band" recap
Posted: Feb 5 2009, 08:00 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you had your ten-year Bayside high school reunion? Remember how Lisa Turtle sent out a questionnaire asking what everyone had done in the previous ten years? Remember how anxious that made you feel, because you were a college dropout and had been Belding's assistant for your first seven years after graduating? Remember how you knew that Zack was a surgeon, Maxwell Nerdstrom had made millions in Silicon Valley, Kelly was a TV weather girl, Jessie was a porn star, and AC Slater had been deported to Mexico? Remember how you filled out your questionnaire and wrote that you were a musician and had been in the music industry since you were a child? Remember how you wrote that it was your lifelong goal and that you were in a band called "Salty the Pocketknife" with a bald little ugly dude named Evan Stone? Remember when Lisa contacted you and asked you to perform with your band at the reunion? Remember when you agreed to do so?

Remember when the reunion was held at Universal Studios in Los Angeles? Remember how band equipment was set up? Remember when you showed up at the reunion wearing your favorite yellow Zubaz suit? Remember when Lisa introduce you and you walked out on the stage by yourself, as the rest of your band hadn't showed up? Remember when Lisa asked about your band and you replied nonchalantly, "Oh, I made it up. Zoinks! I was never in a band." Remember how mad that made everyone? Remember when everyone started throwing beer bottles at you? Remember when Belding fired a glass vodka bottle at your head from a mere 10 feet away? Remember when Belding threw you off the stage and then Lisa started stomping on your in her high heel dress shoes? Remember when Mr. Dewey and Rod Belding started spit-roasting you while everyone else at the reunion was masturbating vigorously? Remember how everyone blew their loads on you and then Ox picked you up and dumped your lifeless body into the sewer with the other excrement?

You sure learned to tell the truth in that episode!

My "Remember When..." Queer Fantasies - Part IV

Here are some of my "Remember When..." queer fantasies involving Diamond and the rest of the Saved By The Bell gang:

"Belding's Fart 'Gift' to Diamond" recap
Posted: Feb 3 2009, 09:27 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode of Saved By The Bell when you turned 18? Remember how all of your "friends" forgot about your birthday? Remember when your mom and Kevin the Robot also forgot? Remember how sad and neglected that made you feel? Remember when you ran like a little girl to Belding's office and he hugged you? Remember how Belding said he had a gift for you? Remember when he threw you onto his sofa and then dropped his pants and ripped a wet fart directly into your mouth? Remember when you coughed? Remember how mad that made Belding? Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, how dare you waste my fart, you ZUBAZ-WEARING JEW COCKSUCKER!!! I intentionally ate at Taco Bell today to give you my thoughtful gift and you wasted it by coughing it out of your mouth and lungs. You should savor farts from the Big Bopper!!!" Remember when Belding kicked you in the junk and stomped on your head? Remember when he fired his HIV+ seed up your ass to teach you a lesson? You sure had a shitty birthday that time!!!



"Diamond Visits a Campground" recap
Posted: Feb 2 2009, 07:36 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode when you broke into that KOA campground and installed a hammock in the outhouse with the ends of the hammock tied up near the floor of the outhouse, but above the piss level? Remember how you did this so that you could listen and smell people going to the bathroom up close? Remember how you would jerk off while random dudes took dumps right in front of you? Remember when you tried to climb out one day and accidentally broke your hammock and fell into the 5-foot deep pool of piss and shit? Remember when you screamed for help and some Boy Scouts came running? Remember when you begged for help and they recognized you as Screech from Saved By The Bell? Remember when they told you that you sucked on that show and then peed down onto you? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks!!! Help me you little jerks!!!" Remember when the scouts grabbed some rocks and fired them down onto you? Remember when they threw a couple squirrels down onto you? Remember how the squirrels were rabid and quickly bit you? Remember when the scout master walked in and asked what the commotion was? Remember how the scout master was none other than JM J Bullock who had won a court case to be the first openly gay scout master? Remember how JM J Bullock only joined the scouts so that he could molest kids? Remember how JM J Bullock began jerking off and shot a wad of his HIV+ cum down onto you? Remember how his seed dripped down onto the open wounds caused by the squirrels? Remember when you contracted AIDS and everyone started laughing? Remember when you started yelling for help and JM J Bullock got mad and locked the outhouse door and put an "out of order" sign on the front door? Remember when you were only discovered a few days later by the KOA manager? Remember how you almost died? Remember when the KOA manager charged you rent for the days you stayed down in the outhouse? You really got screwed over that time!



"Diamond Learns About the Animal Kingdom" recap
Posted: Jan 21 2009, 08:54 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you broke into the Bayside science lab on a Saturday night to get to the class gerbils? Remember when you took the brown gerbil named "Petey" and stuck it up for ass for anal pleasure? Remember how Belding happened to be at Bayside that evening and heard you breaking in? Remember how he was at Bayside because he wanted to jerk off onto the singlets for the boys wrestling team? Remember when he saw what you did to Petey and slugged you in the gut, causing you to fart out Petey? Remember when he said, "Hey Diamond, so you want to stick animals up your ass? Well, let's kick it up a notch!" Remember when Belding drove you to your home and grabbed a sleepy Hound Dog and forcefully inserted Hound Dog into your ass and said, "How does that feel, FAGGOT?" Remember how uncomfortable it made you feel? Remember how Hound Dog got stuck up your ass and took a shit in there and also barfed? Remember how Hound Dog survived for several hours by eating the semen that had been deposited in your ass by several random dudes? Remember when Hound Dog eventually suffocated and died? Remember when you mom on the show, Mrs. Powers, found out that Hound Dog had died and blamed you? Remember how she was really upset because she had recently taught Hound Dog how to lick her pussy and was looking forward to receiving some pleasure from Hound Dog? Remember when Mrs. Powers bought a new dog and made you train it to lick her cooch and ass? Remember when you tried to trick the new dog into licking your cock, but the new dog got mad and bit off your cock? You sure learned not to mess with the animal kingdom in that episode!



"Diamond Learns About Belding's Fat Folds" recap
Posted: Jan 20 2009, 09:00 PM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where you sucked off Belding and then he fell asleep on your couch? Remember how obese he was and he had many folds on fat in his gut? Remember how horny you were after servicing Belding's penis and ass needs for the previous two hours, while he refused to give any pleasure to your zoinker? Remember when you lifted Belding's skin-tight XXX-L shirt and inserted your cock in between a couple of his fat folds and then started thrusting back and forth? Remember when you felt and intense pain and then pulled out your zoinker and ran into the bathroom crying like a bitch? Remember how the pain was caused by getting battery acid in the hole and the end of your tiny cock? Remember how Belding had lost his TV remote in his fat folds weeks earlier and the batteries had been leaking the acid that burned your cock? Belding's obesity really got you good that time!



"Belding Teaches Diamond To Be A Good Bitch" recap
Posted: Jan 14 2009, 09:42 AM

Diamond, remember those long make-out sessions you used to have with Mr. Belding in the Bayside Principal's office after school? Remember when Belding would blow several loads of his diseased cum into your mouth, ass, and onto your jew-fro? Remember that time when he shot his third load and you asked him to touch your baby cock? Remember when Belding got mad and said that you were his "bitch," and that you should learn to control your urges around him? Remember when Belding broke his keyboard over your head for daring to ask him to give you sexual pleasure? Belding really gave you blue balls that time!



"Bayside Wins the State Championship" recap
Posted: Dec 30 2008, 07:01 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where Bayside was playing against Valley High in state title game of the California state football tournament? Remember how the star quarterback was AC Slater and the star running back was Ox? Remember how Rod Belding was the starting wide receiver because he forged his birth certificate? Remember when Slater threw two quick touchdowns to give Bayside a 14-7 lead in the first quarter? Remember when you jerked off Mr. Belding to give the team good luck? Remember when Valley scored a touchdown to even the score and it remained tied in the fourth quarter with mere seconds to play? Remember when Slater threw a last-second touchdown pass to Rod Belding to win the championship? Remember how everyone in the stands erupted in cheers? Remember when Zack Morris dumped a bucket of Gatorade over Coach Rizzo to celebrate the victory? Remember when Slater, Rod Belding, and Zack's dad came up behind you and dumped a Port-A-Potty filled with piss and shit right on top of your head? Remember how much piss and diarrhea your jew-fro absorbed? Remember when you looked up and saw an instant replay on the big scoreboard of the Port-A-Potty being dumped on you? Remember how everyone in the stands was laughing and masturbating at the scene of your humiliation? Remember when you saw the Kelly and your mom on the show were dyking out while walking you crying? Remember when you noticed that the goalpost was wobbling and looked over and saw that Tuttle was perched on top with his pants down around his ankles and he was masturbating vigorously? Remember when the goalpost completely tipped over and Tuttle landed on a chain-link fence surrounding the field? Remember when when Tuttle broke several ribs on the fence, yet continued to jerk off? Remember when Mr. Dewey and Mylo the janitor started sodomizing you and ass-raping you in front of the crowd? Remember when your anal tears from that attack were so bad that you had to wear a diaper for the next two months? You sure got screwed over that time!



"Belding Teaches Diamond About Respect" recap
Posted: Dec 17 2008, 10:09 AM

Diamond, do you remember the episode from the New Class where you were Belding's assistant and you asked him whatever happened to his niece, Penny Belding? Remember when Mr. Belding replied nonchalantly, "Oh, I made her up." Remember when you responded that she did exist and that you took her to a dance at the Max in a prior episode? Remember when Belding got really mad and yelled, "HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME, YOU HOOK-NOSED ZUBAZ-WEARING COCKSUCKING RIM GOBLIN!!!!!!" Remember when Belding pulled out the Rambo knife he kept in his desk and then stabbed you in the stomach, causing massive internal injuries? Remember when Belding inserted his cock in the wound and had sex with your punctured abdomen? Remember how his cock rubbed up against your liver? Remember when he shot a load of HIV+ cum into your lungs and stomach? You sure learned to respect your elders in that episode!



"Diamond Learns the Spirit of Thanksgiving" recap
Posted: Nov 26 2008, 10:05 AM

Diamond, remember that episode where Belding invited you over to his house for a Thanksgiving dinner with Slater, Zack, and Ox? Remember when you arrived at Belding's house and asked where Mrs. Belding was? Remember when Belding replied nonchalantly that he "made her up"? Remember how you had previously asked the same question in Dner's previous Thanksgiving episode, but apparently forgot about it? Remember when Belding started the meal with some salad because Belding said that the main course was still cooking? Remember how Belding served a house salad? Remember when you asked Belding to pass you some cottage cheese for your salad? Remember when Belding said he didn't have any? Remember when you started whining like a little bitch and said, "Zoinks! Mr. B, how am I supposed to eat my salad without cottage cheese??" Remember how mad you were making Mr. Belding? Remember when Belding stood up and said, "That's enough, Diamond! You want some cottage cheese? Here it comes, you HOOK-NOSED RIM GOBLIN!!" Remember when Belding dropped his polyester pants with the 54-inch waist, revealing his cellulite-ridden pasty and chunky legs? Remember when Belding said, "You little Jewish faggot, I have cottage cheese thighs and now you're gonna get some!" Remember when Slater grabbed you from behind and knocked you out of your chair and onto the floor? Remmeber when Belding sat on your face and farted in your mouth while Slater tore away your Zubaz and began ass-slamming you? Remember when Belding ripped several wet farts in your face and made you toss his salad? Remember when you experience horrible pain for the next several minutes until the timer in the kitchen dinged? Remember when Belding got up and said, "the main course is done!" and ran into the kitchen? Remember when he walked out with a cooked animal on a platter? Remember when you looked up and saw that instead of cooking a turkey, Belding had instead cooked your pet dog, Hound Dog, as Rocco previously mentioned? Remember when Belding force-fed Hound Dog's cooked hind legs to you? Remember how Hound Dog tasted like chicken? Remember when Slater picked up the platter and started cracking you over the head with it? Remember when a grandfather clock behind the dining room table started wobbling and you looked over and saw Mr. Tuttle perched on top of it with his pants down around his ankles? Remember how Tuttle was masturbating furiously? Remember when the grandfather clock tipped over and Tuttle took a header into the solid wood dining room table, smashing his chin and causing blood to gush everywhere? Remember how Tuttle kept jerking off until he blew his load and then immediately passed out from the blood loss? Remember when you spent the next few weeks in the hospital recovering from all of your Thanksgiving Day injuries? Remember when you arrived back at home and discovered that your mom had bought you a new dog, a Great Dane, to replace Hound Dog? Remember when you found out that the Great Dane was a horny and gay dog? Remember how the Great Dane would rape you every night when you were trying to sleep? You sure learned about the spirit of Thanksgiving in the episode!



"Bayside's Toilet Paper Shortage" episode recap
Posted: Nov 12 2008, 07:09 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where Belding stole Bayside's budget for bathroom supplies and spent it on Hostess Ding Dongs and HoHo's for himself? Remember when, as a result, Bayside ran out of toilet paper? Remember when Belding broke into your locker and everyone, after taking a shit, wiped their asses clean with the possessions in your locker? Remember when Slater wiped his ass clean with your Zubaz gym shorts? Remember when Kelly wiped her ass clean with your pink "Members-Only" jacket? Remember when Maxwell Nerdstrom wiped his ass with your Converse Hi-Tops and Jessie wiped her ass with your Trapper Keeper? Remember when Belding wiped his ass clean with your peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Remember when Zack wiped his ass clean with the Oreo cookies that you were going to eat for lunch that day? Remember when Mr. Dewey scraped shit off his asshole with your Hi-C fruit juice box? Remember when Mylo the janitor wiped his ass with the lock on your locker? The Bayside gang really "shit" on you that time!



"Diamond LEarns About the Insect Kingdom" recap
Posted: Oct 28 2008, 09:44 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where there was a fly in Belding's office that kept annoying him? Remember how Belding didn't have any bug spray, so he took a shit in the corner of his office to keep the fly off his desk? Remember how the fly immediately fly over to Belding's meaty turd and started walking on it and eating part of the turd? Remember when Belding grabbed the fly with a tissue and then stuffed it into a 16-oz bottle of Coke and then gave you the bottle of Coke to drink? Remember how you sucked down the Coke without even noticing the fly inside? Remember when you sucked down the last drop and then said, "Thanks, Chief. AAAHHHH! That really hit the spot! Zoinks!" Remember when Belding punched you in the gut and then sodomized you with the Coke bottle and then took a shit on your jew-fro? Remember when you developed a serious staph infection from all of the dangerous diseases that were on the fly you ingested? Belding sure taught you about the insect kingdom that time!



"Diamond Goes to Gym Class" episode recap
Posted: Oct 23 2008, 08:27 AM

Diamond, do you remember that episode where Belding was measuring everyone's cock in the Bayside showers before gym class? Remember how he need a yardstick to measure Slater's cock, but only needed a tiny ruler to measure your baby dick? Remember how everyone laughed at how small your cock was, including Mr. Dewey who was showering naked with everyone for some unknown reason? Remember how the second smallest cock in the class belonged to Maxwell Nerdstrom, and it was 9 inches long? Remember how you measured up at a mere 1/4 of an inch? Remember how everyone started laughing at you and calling you a fag and then pelted you with bars of soap in the shower? Remember when Mylo the Janitor rolled a cart full of towels into the showers and everyone started whipping you with wet towels? Remember when Ox whipped you right in your microscopic nuts with a wet towel, causing you to utter, "Zoinks!" Remember when Slater said he needed to drain his balls and then bent you over? Remember how his cock was much bigger than your tiny butthole? Remember when Slater rectified the problem by lubing you up with a bar of soap? Remember when he shoved the entire bar up your ass and then started raping you while hi-fiving Belding and Mylo? Remember how Zack's dad was also showering naked with your class for some reason and sprayed diarrhea on your bird chest? Remember when you saw that a cart in which dirty jock straps from football practice were stored was rocking back and forth? Remember when the cart tipped over and Mr. Tuttle rolled out and was masturbating vigorously while his pants were down around his ankles and a sweaty jock strap was stuck on his head? Remember when you kept yelling, "Zoinks!!! Zoinks!!!" over and over again throughout your ideal? Remember how mad that made Peter Engel, as you were breaking his concentration while he was trying to jerk off? Remember when Peter Engel walked over and started kicking you in the ribs with his wingtip dress shoes? Remember how everyone except for you was having a great time during this attack? Remember when everyone finally stopped beating and sodomizing you after 15 minutes? Remember when everyone got dressed and left you for dead in the showers? Remember when you caught "athlete's foot" from the dirty showers? The Bayside gang sure got you good that time!



"Diamond Plays Kickball" episode recap
Posted: Oct 15 2008, 10:11 PM

Diamond, remember that time when you and the gang were playing kickball during gym class? Remember how Slater was on your team? Remember how Slater wore bike shorts during gym class and would kick the ball really far? Remember how you would stare at the bulge in his shorts when he rounded the bases? Remember how much you sucked at kickball? Remember how you would clumsily knock the kickball with your knee, instead of your foot, and would often get thrown out? Remember when everyone call Slater the "spark plug" of the team and you the "butt plug" of the team? Remember when Coach Sonski got mad at you for sucking so badly at kickball and raped you in front of the entire class while the students in the class jerked off? Remember when you were on the ground being ass-slammed and you looked up and saw Mr. Tuttle swinging from the rope hanging from the ceiling? Remember how his pants were down around his ankles and he was masturbating vigorously? Remember how he was jerking off so intensely that he accidentally loosened his grip on the rope and went flying off into the electronic scoreboard? Remember when his morbidly obese body shattered various light bulbs on the scoreboard and then he collapsed 20 feet down onto the hardwood floor below onto a sea of glass shards? Remember how profusely he was bleeding? Remember how he kept jerking off until he blew his load and then passed out from massive blood loss? Remember when Coach Sonski rubbed you in Tuttle's blood puddle and you contracted many dangerous STDs, including HIV? The Bayside gang really got you good that time!