Screech may be going to the uk http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/tv/s150/celebrity-big-brother/news/a507776/celebrity-big-brother-mark-morrison-saved-by-the-bell-star-rumoured.html
This is ZackACPowers. The only remains of my contribution to Dustin Diamond Love is as follows, originally posted in three parts in the Remember When section:
Hey, Screech,
Do you remember the all time best Saved By the Bell episode? The only crossover episode where Bayside High was threatened by Murdock?
Let me refresh your memory, if you need it (you did so many shows!): Things were going swimmingly at Bayside. It was the weekend that you, Jessie and Slater hosted Bayside Radio. A lot of fans wonder why Bayside Radio was only featured in one episode if some of the gang took turns interning at the place, but they haven't seen the never-rerun episode "Jesus H. Christ, It's the Holy Grail, Charlie Brown!"
Anyhoo, you were hard at work rockin' Bayside out with a little bit of Barry White (Zack told you to do it when he had Kelly out on an especially late night date, but you never learned why). You had just gotten your second call of the night (your first being Zack giving you the clue to play a little Barry) when you realized that the voice on the other end of the line sounded familiar. You already were disturbed a little bit by this late night caller when you became even more paranoid as he gabbed on and didn't request a song. Instead, the sinister voice spent amazingly long periods of time cackling and blurting out "this one's for Pete, MacGyver and Jack," and "I have finally found the fountain of youth! The cup of the carpenter!"
You kept letting the voice know that if he was going to request a song for his three friends that he actually had to name a song. Still, you had a lot of crazies call late at night, so you didn't think much of this bum. Only when he requested "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats did it dawn on you. This was the evil Murdock, contract killer whose biggest failure in life was to not take down Agnes MacGyver. THAT was the MacGyver that he was talking about.
Yes, Screech, you knew all too well of Murdock. You knew that he had fallen off of a mountain, been burned in an explosion, been horribly re-cast (and allegedly had plastic surgery to cover up the difference), had drown in a pool of fire, had been buried by tons of rock and ore in an abandoned mine explosion, and been trampled nearly to death by a horde of fat women trying to buy a Tickle Me Elmo doll three nights before Christmas. But, you also knew that the body was never found.
So, immediately, you called Zack. He answered his ridiculously large cell phone. "WHAT? I'm trying to FUCK KELLY!"
"Zoinks!" was all you could muster, before this: "Um... you're live on Bayside at midnight, and you're on the air, Mr. Morris."
That was the end of Bayside radio.
So, on air, you tried to explain the whole Murdock situation to Zack while on air. All he would give you was the cold shoulder, and one word answers. When it was obvious that he wouldn't stop his booty call just to help out mankind, you let him go.
You were screwed. What did he mean by the fountain of youth? Did he find immortality? How would you, a senior with finals coming up, find the time to combat Murdock?
As the final verse of "Safety Dance" played out, Mr. Belding burst into the studio, and your fortune changed.
"Screech!" yelled Mr. Belding, startling you, "You're fired, and the radio is off of the air!" At that, Belding pulled the plug.
"But, Mr. Belding... you don't understand..." you started.
"Shut up, Screech! This is serious."
You gulped as only you can. "I know. If Jessie really wants to be the valedictorian, you should -"
Belding cut you off. "No! There will be plenty of time for that later, asshole! We have to stop Murdock!"
At that, you focused back on the serious problem. "But, Mr. B., how will we find MacGyver? He's our only hope!"
Belding sighed. His belly went up and down and he looked to his shoes. "Screech, you have to promise not to tell anyone you ever meet in life what I am going to tell you now. I have been carrying this for years, and don't want anyone to know, so if you tell anyone, so help me God, I'll sandblast your nuts."
You just stared at him as he went on, meekly, "Screech... I'm Pete Thornton's seeing-eye dog."
There was a brief silence in the studio. And then, you couldn't help it. You snickered a little at first. Then you laughed out loud a little, covering your mouth. Finally, a tidal wave of laughter erupted from your belly. And Belding cried a little.
"See, Screech, you don't make much as a principal. I can't afford the life that I want to live as a principal. So, I saw that Pete Thornton lost his sight recently, and decided to masquerade as his seeing eye dog until he figured it out. That way, I could eat all of Pete's food, and steal his porno. I would save tons of money every year. As a matter of fact, I've let my apartment lease expire, and I've pretty much been living at his house for free since January."
Do you remember the disappointed look you gave him? "Mr. B., how long have you been doin' this?"
"Well, Screech..." Belding trailed off and gazed downward again, "About a year and a half." His eyes snapped back toward you, and he defended himself, "But, it's really great! You know, last week, we were sitting on his couch watching Monday Night Football. I had to pee really bad, but didn't want to miss a play, so remembering that Pete's blind, I just whipped it out and took a leak on his leg! He was a little miffed, so he searched around for the TV guide that was on the coffee table, snatched it, rolled it up and bopped me on the nose with it. I whimpered a little, and three minutes later, he admitted that he couldn't stay mad at me and gave me a Snausage. Quite tasty, they are."
That was punctuated with another silence. Finally, you broke it up. "You sick asshole. Let's go get Pete and find MacGyver." Belding agreed with you, and as the two of you headed out to his car, you grabbed the tape of Murdock's call in so Pete could hear it. The short drive to Pete's apartment was filled with an uncomfortable silence as you sat next to a man that you had known for all of your adolescent and teenage life. Yet, now he seemed like a pathetic stranger. Even more sad than you. But, it was up to the two of you to save the world from Murdock. You were able to focus on that. If Murdock was indeed invincible, then he would rule the world, and Bayside High and the Bayside Mall that Lisa Turtle loved shopping in was a part of that world. You could not let that happen.
You two finally got to Pete's. As you reached the door, you left Mr. Belding with a little bit of a reminder: "You have to let Pete know the truth, Mr. B., no matter how much it hurts." Then you knocked and waited for a response from both Belding and Pete. But, after a little while, neither came.
Belding now knocked on the door. Finally, he said, "I know, Screech. I know." From inside, there was a crash and a loud, muffled cuss word. Belding shook his head. "Pete thinks he trained his dog - er, me to answer his door. I better just use my key to get in."
"You had a key made to his apartment?" You asked.
Belding did not answer, yet simply let himself into the apartment and turned on the lights. Pete was crawling toward the door.
"Who... what," were Pete's only syllables.
"Pete!" you exclaimed. "My name's Screech. Me and my friend - whom you know very well - have come with a problem."
Pete, bringing himself up to stand looked disappointed. "You're with Jack, aren't you. Jack Daulton. Well, Jack, I'm not paying your gambling debts anymore. I'm not paying for your bail or your various medicinal cremes, either. You're just going to have to grow up. Besides, I have problems of my own. I have a very gassy seeing eye dog and he's nowhere to be found."
Belding cleared his throat. "Um, no, Pete. It's me."
The eyebrows over Pete's unseeing eyes darted up. "Who?"
Belding again cleared his throat, and shifted his stance. "Um... Arf! Arf! Woof, woof!"
The confusion wiped off of Pete's face. "Oh! Good, it's my sleepy seeing-eye dog. I thought I'd lost him. C'mere, Adolf! Come get a Snausage!" Pete grabbed a treat from his pocket.
Belding stepped forward and grabbed the treat from Pete's outstretched hand. "Um, Pete... I'm really your dog. I mean - I pretended to be your seeing-eye dog, so I could live off of your hard work. My name is Richard Belding."
Pete reacted as if he'd been shot, or heard that a close family member was dead. He backed up a little, and muttered "Wha..." Then, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" And with amazing accuracy for a blind guy, punched Mr. Belding in the side of the head, right on the ear. "Give me my Snausages back, you mother fucker!"
That's when you stepped in, Screech. Remember? You stepped between them and said, "Hey! We have bigger problems! Pete - Mr. Thornton, you can beat up on Mr. Belding later. But, now, you have to listen to this. Murdock has resurfaced, and we believe that he has a most powerful weapon. Even more powerful than Kevin."
Pete stepped down, and you situated the two men to Pete's kitchen table, where you played Murdock's disturbing radio call. Pete instantly knew what "weapon" Murdock had stumbled upon.
"Gentlemen, Murdock has acquired The Holy Grail. It will bring him everlasting life if he has drunk of it already." Then, Pete reached for the Reader's Digest that was on the table.
You spoke up, "Pete, is there something on the Grail in the Reader's Digest?"
Pete hid the magazine under the table, and said this, "No. We have to find MacGyver and Jack Daulton. MacGyver found the grail last season, and he and I think Jack Daulton stole it from him - probably to pawn off for liquor money." At that, Pete stood up and swung the Digest violently back and forth. "I'll kick your ass, Belding!"
You decided to call MacGyver and Daulton while Pete released his aggression on Belding. By the time you found Pete's rolodex, Thornton had already drawn blood. And, when you finished calling MacGyver and Daulton, Belding was knocked cold.
"He wouldn't have been much help to us, anyway, Screech. Besides," Pete paused, "I always knew he wasn't a dog. I just wanted someone to care."
"Then why did you kick his ass?" you asked.
"To save face, dork! What do you think the people at the Phoenix Foundation would say if they knew I found out and did nothing? I brought "Adolf" to work every day. They all knew."
The three of you waited it out until MacGyver and Daulton finally showed up. MacGyver was first by a good hour. Soon after MacGyver showed, he explained how Jack Daulton ended up with the most powerful and sought after artifact in the history of the Earth.
"The fucker took it out of my sports mugs display case when I was in the shower!" MacGyver was visibly pissed off.
Daulton finally showed up at around 3 AM. He was outwardly drunk, as his eyes were crossed and out of focus and he couldn't walk four or five steps before leaning on a wall. "Hey! Whoosh the shhhia pet kid? And whoosh the ashhole bleeding all over Peetsh new woodn floorsh?"
MacGyver flew over to Daulton, grabbed him by his leather pilot's jacket and slapped him in the side of the head. Daulton stiffened up and looked back at MacGyver. "Ohhhh-kaaaaay, buddy! I knew youdda come 'round to the fightin' side, Mac! Himme again!"
MacGyver instead looked at Jack. "Hey, buddy. Is that puke in your mustache? Never mind. You remember that shiny cup you took from my house?"
Daulton looked angry at the accusation. "Mac, you muthafugger! I'mya friend, Mac! I'da never ssssteal from ya!"
"Okay, Jack. Where's the cup that you 'borrowed' from me?"
"Thash better." Jack was still trying to look MacGyver in the eye. Jack opened his jacket, and there was the grail, hanging on a gold chain around his neck. It had some Jack Daniels in the bottom.
You were the first to speak, Screech. "You... you made The Holy Grail into a drinking necklace?"
Jack tried to focus on you. "Yeahhh. Mardi... pardy... hardy... You shoulda seen the knockers on this sshhick nexta me. She had these nibbles on her boobees that -"
And, just then, Murdock came crashing in through the window. He had a wicked smile, and a gun. "Well done, Screech! I knew that only you could get my three arch nemesis - or is it nemesai? - together in one place! You even located the grail! Now, I can finally kill them all and take the Grail!" Murdock stepped toward Jack and saw the necklace. He was unable to speak for a second.
"What the fuck did you do to the goddamn Holy Grail? Jesus!" Murdock's eyes were huge and disbelieving. You saw out of the corner of your eye that Pete was using the shock to Murdock's system to gain an advantage.
Pete snuck up behind Murdock, as Murdock's eyes would not break from the grail, and rolled up Reader's Digest tightly. Pete dove toward Murdock, but being blind, missed him and swiped at the lamp in the corner of the room instead. Pete was knocked out as his head hit the wall. Little doggie treats spilled from his pajama pockets.
Jack somehow saw the treats, and hit the floor. "OOh! Schnauschegjezzzzz..."
At this, Murdock lost his mind. He fired three shots into Jack Daulton's chest. MacGyver was the first to act, diving at Murdock, and you followed suit. MacGyver had managed to fight the gun away from Murdock, knocking Murdock's hand on the hardwood floor. The gun slid across the room.
Murdock kicked MacGyver off of the pile, and MacGyver was thrown back to Jack's body. You were still on top of Murdock, and let him know it, "Murdock, A.C. Slater taught me how to wrestle at Bayside!"
Murdock headbutted you, didn't he, Screech. Then, he kicked you in the balls. On the way down to the ground, you thought gee, a kick to the nuts... doesn't sound like the m.o. of a contract killer. Murdock then pulled off your pants and put his fist in your asshole.
"It's not Thanksgiving," Murdock maniacally screamed, "but it's time for the stuffing!"
And, as you were having your pride and manhood taken away, you had two thoughts. One, Gee, MacGyver's show has witty puns as well as Saved By the Bell, and Holy cow! Jack Daulton seems to be getting up after he was shot three times!
Yes, indeed to your surprise, Jack Daulton, bleeding everywhere and screaming like a little girl, arose and grabbed Murdock's gun from the floor.
Everything you have in life, you owe to Jack Daulton. As Murdock was giving you the "piston engine" treatment with his fist, Jack put an end to the pain and calmly shot Murdock in the head, killing him forever.
You and MacGyver sat in stunned silence. MacGyver averted his eyes as you stood up on shaky knees to pull your bloody underwear and pants back on. Jack was in the corner, obviously in pain.
"That asshole shot me! I'm bleeding all over Pete's apartment! HOLY SHIT!" Jack would not stop pacing. "WhyyammI not dead, Mac?"
MacGyver thought for a second. "Jack?"
"Motherfuckersonofabitchassholeshitcocksuker it hurts! Yeah, Mac?"
MacGyver chose his words carefully. "When you were out getting bombed tonight, did you drink from the glass around your neck?"
"Mac, I'm sorry I stole your FUCKING DETROIT RED WINGS CHALACE! I'M IN PAIN, HERE, FRIEND, and you just MAY WANNA GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!"
Then, you caught on. "No, Jack. This is important. Did you drink from the glass?" You looked at him seriously. His breathing was labored and he was doubled over in pain.
"Look, Chia. I know that you must be Mac's friend and all, but I just saved you from fist prints on your liver." Jack barfed Jack Daniels and blood. "But, if it will get the two of you off of my back, yes! Yes I drank from this necklace."
"Jack," MacGyver started, "you're now, um..." and MacGyver could not finish it. There's no way he was going to tell his asshole friend that he was invincible.
Just then, Belding woke up. He looked around, confused, until his eyes met Pete. "Yesss! The house is mine!!"
"Um, Mr. B.," you started, "Pete's not dead. He's just knocked out."
"Oh." Belding looked at Jack, now hunched by Belding's side. "Man, whatta headache I have." Out of it, Belding grabbed a Snausage from the floor and plugged up one of Jack's bullet holes. It stopped the bleeding.
Jack smiled at Belding and said, "Buddy, you jusssa helped meyout beg time. I'd do anything for you." And Jack leaned forward, scooping up "snausage plugs."
Belding noticed that there was still a shots worth of Jack Daniels in the cup dangling from Jack's neck. "Dude, do you mind if I finish that off? I think it'll kill my headache."
Both you and MacGyver shouted, "NOOOO!" But, it was too late. Belding slugged the shot.
And that's the story of how Mr. Belding can never die.
Hey ZackACPowers, I just noticed your post. I have other miscellaneous "Remember When" posts here - I am not sure who was the author of all of these: http://kurtsteinberg.blogspot.com/search/label/Misc.%20%22Remember%20When...%22%20posts
AD, if that post isn't already on this blog, I must not have it. You might be able to use the Internet Archive to find it if you remember on which website it was originally posted.
11 comments:
Screech may be going to the uk
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/tv/s150/celebrity-big-brother/news/a507776/celebrity-big-brother-mark-morrison-saved-by-the-bell-star-rumoured.html
This is ZackACPowers. The only remains of my contribution to Dustin Diamond Love is as follows, originally posted in three parts in the Remember When section:
Hey, Screech,
Do you remember the all time best Saved By the Bell episode? The only crossover episode where Bayside High was threatened by Murdock?
Let me refresh your memory, if you need it (you did so many shows!):
Things were going swimmingly at Bayside. It was the weekend that you, Jessie and Slater hosted Bayside Radio. A lot of fans wonder why Bayside Radio was only featured in one episode if some of the gang took turns interning at the place, but they haven't seen the never-rerun episode "Jesus H. Christ, It's the Holy Grail, Charlie Brown!"
Anyhoo, you were hard at work rockin' Bayside out with a little bit of Barry White (Zack told you to do it when he had Kelly out on an especially late night date, but you never learned why). You had just gotten your second call of the night (your first being Zack giving you the clue to play a little Barry) when you realized that the voice on the other end of the line sounded familiar. You already were disturbed a little bit by this late night caller when you became even more paranoid as he gabbed on and didn't request a song. Instead, the sinister voice spent amazingly long periods of time cackling and blurting out "this one's for Pete, MacGyver and Jack," and "I have finally found the fountain of youth! The cup of the carpenter!"
You kept letting the voice know that if he was going to request a song for his three friends that he actually had to name a song. Still, you had a lot of crazies call late at night, so you didn't think much of this bum. Only when he requested "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats did it dawn on you. This was the evil Murdock, contract killer whose biggest failure in life was to not take down Agnes MacGyver. THAT was the MacGyver that he was talking about.
Yes, Screech, you knew all too well of Murdock. You knew that he had fallen off of a mountain, been burned in an explosion, been horribly re-cast (and allegedly had plastic surgery to cover up the difference), had drown in a pool of fire, had been buried by tons of rock and ore in an abandoned mine explosion, and been trampled nearly to death by a horde of fat women trying to buy a Tickle Me Elmo doll three nights before Christmas. But, you also knew that the body was never found.
So, immediately, you called Zack. He answered his ridiculously large cell phone. "WHAT? I'm trying to FUCK KELLY!"
"Zoinks!" was all you could muster, before this: "Um... you're live on Bayside at midnight, and you're on the air, Mr. Morris."
That was the end of Bayside radio.
So, on air, you tried to explain the whole Murdock situation to Zack while on air. All he would give you was the cold shoulder, and one word answers. When it was obvious that he wouldn't stop his booty call just to help out mankind, you let him go.
You were screwed. What did he mean by the fountain of youth? Did he find immortality? How would you, a senior with finals coming up, find the time to combat Murdock?
As the final verse of "Safety Dance" played out, Mr. Belding burst into the studio, and your fortune changed.
"Screech!" yelled Mr. Belding, startling you, "You're fired, and the radio is off of the air!" At that, Belding pulled the plug.
"But, Mr. Belding... you don't understand..." you started.
"Shut up, Screech! This is serious."
You gulped as only you can. "I know. If Jessie really wants to be the valedictorian, you should -"
Belding cut you off. "No! There will be plenty of time for that later, asshole! We have to stop Murdock!"
At that, you focused back on the serious problem. "But, Mr. B., how will we find MacGyver? He's our only hope!"
Belding sighed. His belly went up and down and he looked to his shoes. "Screech, you have to promise not to tell anyone you ever meet in life what I am going to tell you now. I have been carrying this for years, and don't want anyone to know, so if you tell anyone, so help me God, I'll sandblast your nuts."
You just stared at him as he went on, meekly, "Screech... I'm Pete Thornton's seeing-eye dog."
There was a brief silence in the studio. And then, you couldn't help it. You snickered a little at first. Then you laughed out loud a little, covering your mouth. Finally, a tidal wave of laughter erupted from your belly. And Belding cried a little.
"See, Screech, you don't make much as a principal. I can't afford the life that I want to live as a principal. So, I saw that Pete Thornton lost his sight recently, and decided to masquerade as his seeing eye dog until he figured it out. That way, I could eat all of Pete's food, and steal his porno. I would save tons of money every year. As a matter of fact, I've let my apartment lease expire, and I've pretty much been living at his house for free since January."
Do you remember the disappointed look you gave him? "Mr. B., how long have you been doin' this?"
"Well, Screech..." Belding trailed off and gazed downward again, "About a year and a half." His eyes snapped back toward you, and he defended himself, "But, it's really great! You know, last week, we were sitting on his couch watching Monday Night Football. I had to pee really bad, but didn't want to miss a play, so remembering that Pete's blind, I just whipped it out and took a leak on his leg! He was a little miffed, so he searched around for the TV guide that was on the coffee table, snatched it, rolled it up and bopped me on the nose with it. I whimpered a little, and three minutes later, he admitted that he couldn't stay mad at me and gave me a Snausage. Quite tasty, they are."
That was punctuated with another silence. Finally, you broke it up. "You sick asshole. Let's go get Pete and find MacGyver." Belding agreed with you, and as the two of you headed out to his car, you grabbed the tape of Murdock's call in so Pete could hear it.
The short drive to Pete's apartment was filled with an uncomfortable silence as you sat next to a man that you had known for all of your adolescent and teenage life. Yet, now he seemed like a pathetic stranger. Even more sad than you. But, it was up to the two of you to save the world from Murdock. You were able to focus on that. If Murdock was indeed invincible, then he would rule the world, and Bayside High and the Bayside Mall that Lisa Turtle loved shopping in was a part of that world. You could not let that happen.
You two finally got to Pete's. As you reached the door, you left Mr. Belding with a little bit of a reminder: "You have to let Pete know the truth, Mr. B., no matter how much it hurts." Then you knocked and waited for a response from both Belding and Pete. But, after a little while, neither came.
Belding now knocked on the door. Finally, he said, "I know, Screech. I know." From inside, there was a crash and a loud, muffled cuss word. Belding shook his head. "Pete thinks he trained his dog - er, me to answer his door. I better just use my key to get in."
"You had a key made to his apartment?" You asked.
Belding did not answer, yet simply let himself into the apartment and turned on the lights. Pete was crawling toward the door.
"Who... what," were Pete's only syllables.
"Pete!" you exclaimed. "My name's Screech. Me and my friend - whom you know very well - have come with a problem."
Pete, bringing himself up to stand looked disappointed. "You're with Jack, aren't you. Jack Daulton. Well, Jack, I'm not paying your gambling debts anymore. I'm not paying for your bail or your various medicinal cremes, either. You're just going to have to grow up. Besides, I have problems of my own. I have a very gassy seeing eye dog and he's nowhere to be found."
Belding cleared his throat. "Um, no, Pete. It's me."
The eyebrows over Pete's unseeing eyes darted up. "Who?"
Belding again cleared his throat, and shifted his stance. "Um... Arf! Arf! Woof, woof!"
The confusion wiped off of Pete's face. "Oh! Good, it's my sleepy seeing-eye dog. I thought I'd lost him. C'mere, Adolf! Come get a Snausage!" Pete grabbed a treat from his pocket.
Belding stepped forward and grabbed the treat from Pete's outstretched hand. "Um, Pete... I'm really your dog. I mean - I pretended to be your seeing-eye dog, so I could live off of your hard work. My name is Richard Belding."
Pete reacted as if he'd been shot, or heard that a close family member was dead. He backed up a little, and muttered "Wha..." Then, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" And with amazing accuracy for a blind guy, punched Mr. Belding in the side of the head, right on the ear. "Give me my Snausages back, you mother fucker!"
That's when you stepped in, Screech. Remember? You stepped between them and said, "Hey! We have bigger problems! Pete - Mr. Thornton, you can beat up on Mr. Belding later. But, now, you have to listen to this. Murdock has resurfaced, and we believe that he has a most powerful weapon. Even more powerful than Kevin."
Pete stepped down, and you situated the two men to Pete's kitchen table, where you played Murdock's disturbing radio call. Pete instantly knew what "weapon" Murdock had stumbled upon.
"Gentlemen, Murdock has acquired The Holy Grail. It will bring him everlasting life if he has drunk of it already." Then, Pete reached for the Reader's Digest that was on the table.
You spoke up, "Pete, is there something on the Grail in the Reader's Digest?"
Pete hid the magazine under the table, and said this, "No. We have to find MacGyver and Jack Daulton. MacGyver found the grail last season, and he and I think Jack Daulton stole it from him - probably to pawn off for liquor money." At that, Pete stood up and swung the Digest violently back and forth. "I'll kick your ass, Belding!"
You decided to call MacGyver and Daulton while Pete released his aggression on Belding. By the time you found Pete's rolodex, Thornton had already drawn blood. And, when you finished calling MacGyver and Daulton, Belding was knocked cold.
"He wouldn't have been much help to us, anyway, Screech. Besides," Pete paused, "I always knew he wasn't a dog. I just wanted someone to care."
"Then why did you kick his ass?" you asked.
"To save face, dork! What do you think the people at the Phoenix Foundation would say if they knew I found out and did nothing? I brought "Adolf" to work every day. They all knew."
The three of you waited it out until MacGyver and Daulton finally showed up. MacGyver was first by a good hour. Soon after MacGyver showed, he explained how Jack Daulton ended up with the most powerful and sought after artifact in the history of the Earth.
"The fucker took it out of my sports mugs display case when I was in the shower!" MacGyver was visibly pissed off.
Daulton finally showed up at around 3 AM. He was outwardly drunk, as his eyes were crossed and out of focus and he couldn't walk four or five steps before leaning on a wall. "Hey! Whoosh the shhhia pet kid? And whoosh the ashhole bleeding all over Peetsh new woodn floorsh?"
MacGyver flew over to Daulton, grabbed him by his leather pilot's jacket and slapped him in the side of the head. Daulton stiffened up and looked back at MacGyver. "Ohhhh-kaaaaay, buddy! I knew youdda come 'round to the fightin' side, Mac! Himme again!"
MacGyver instead looked at Jack. "Hey, buddy. Is that puke in your mustache? Never mind. You remember that shiny cup you took from my house?"
Daulton looked angry at the accusation. "Mac, you muthafugger! I'mya friend, Mac! I'da never ssssteal from ya!"
"Okay, Jack. Where's the cup that you 'borrowed' from me?"
"Thash better." Jack was still trying to look MacGyver in the eye. Jack opened his jacket, and there was the grail, hanging on a gold chain around his neck. It had some Jack Daniels in the bottom.
You were the first to speak, Screech. "You... you made The Holy Grail into a drinking necklace?"
Jack tried to focus on you. "Yeahhh. Mardi... pardy... hardy... You shoulda seen the knockers on this sshhick nexta me. She had these nibbles on her boobees that -"
And, just then, Murdock came crashing in through the window. He had a wicked smile, and a gun. "Well done, Screech! I knew that only you could get my three arch nemesis - or is it nemesai? - together in one place! You even located the grail! Now, I can finally kill them all and take the Grail!" Murdock stepped toward Jack and saw the necklace. He was unable to speak for a second.
"What the fuck did you do to the goddamn Holy Grail? Jesus!" Murdock's eyes were huge and disbelieving. You saw out of the corner of your eye that Pete was using the shock to Murdock's system to gain an advantage.
Pete snuck up behind Murdock, as Murdock's eyes would not break from the grail, and rolled up Reader's Digest tightly. Pete dove toward Murdock, but being blind, missed him and swiped at the lamp in the corner of the room instead. Pete was knocked out as his head hit the wall. Little doggie treats spilled from his pajama pockets.
Jack somehow saw the treats, and hit the floor. "OOh! Schnauschegjezzzzz..."
At this, Murdock lost his mind. He fired three shots into Jack Daulton's chest. MacGyver was the first to act, diving at Murdock, and you followed suit. MacGyver had managed to fight the gun away from Murdock, knocking Murdock's hand on the hardwood floor. The gun slid across the room.
Murdock kicked MacGyver off of the pile, and MacGyver was thrown back to Jack's body. You were still on top of Murdock, and let him know it, "Murdock, A.C. Slater taught me how to wrestle at Bayside!"
Murdock headbutted you, didn't he, Screech. Then, he kicked you in the balls. On the way down to the ground, you thought gee, a kick to the nuts... doesn't sound like the m.o. of a contract killer. Murdock then pulled off your pants and put his fist in your asshole.
"It's not Thanksgiving," Murdock maniacally screamed, "but it's time for the stuffing!"
And, as you were having your pride and manhood taken away, you had two thoughts. One, Gee, MacGyver's show has witty puns as well as Saved By the Bell, and Holy cow! Jack Daulton seems to be getting up after he was shot three times!
Yes, indeed to your surprise, Jack Daulton, bleeding everywhere and screaming like a little girl, arose and grabbed Murdock's gun from the floor.
Everything you have in life, you owe to Jack Daulton. As Murdock was giving you the "piston engine" treatment with his fist, Jack put an end to the pain and calmly shot Murdock in the head, killing him forever.
You and MacGyver sat in stunned silence. MacGyver averted his eyes as you stood up on shaky knees to pull your bloody underwear and pants back on. Jack was in the corner, obviously in pain.
"That asshole shot me! I'm bleeding all over Pete's apartment! HOLY SHIT!" Jack would not stop pacing. "WhyyammI not dead, Mac?"
MacGyver thought for a second. "Jack?"
"Motherfuckersonofabitchassholeshitcocksuker it hurts! Yeah, Mac?"
MacGyver chose his words carefully. "When you were out getting bombed tonight, did you drink from the glass around your neck?"
"Mac, I'm sorry I stole your FUCKING DETROIT RED WINGS CHALACE! I'M IN PAIN, HERE, FRIEND, and you just MAY WANNA GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!"
Then, you caught on. "No, Jack. This is important. Did you drink from the glass?" You looked at him seriously. His breathing was labored and he was doubled over in pain.
"Look, Chia. I know that you must be Mac's friend and all, but I just saved you from fist prints on your liver." Jack barfed Jack Daniels and blood. "But, if it will get the two of you off of my back, yes! Yes I drank from this necklace."
"Jack," MacGyver started, "you're now, um..." and MacGyver could not finish it. There's no way he was going to tell his asshole friend that he was invincible.
Just then, Belding woke up. He looked around, confused, until his eyes met Pete. "Yesss! The house is mine!!"
"Um, Mr. B.," you started, "Pete's not dead. He's just knocked out."
"Oh." Belding looked at Jack, now hunched by Belding's side. "Man, whatta headache I have." Out of it, Belding grabbed a Snausage from the floor and plugged up one of Jack's bullet holes. It stopped the bleeding.
Jack smiled at Belding and said, "Buddy, you jusssa helped meyout beg time. I'd do anything for you." And Jack leaned forward, scooping up "snausage plugs."
Belding noticed that there was still a shots worth of Jack Daniels in the cup dangling from Jack's neck. "Dude, do you mind if I finish that off? I think it'll kill my headache."
Both you and MacGyver shouted, "NOOOO!" But, it was too late. Belding slugged the shot.
And that's the story of how Mr. Belding can never die.
Fin.
Hey ZackACPowers, I just noticed your post. I have other miscellaneous "Remember When" posts here - I am not sure who was the author of all of these: http://kurtsteinberg.blogspot.com/search/label/Misc.%20%22Remember%20When...%22%20posts
Do you have the story about Fresh Prince cross over episode and the one with Skeletor?
AD, if that post isn't already on this blog, I must not have it. You might be able to use the Internet Archive to find it if you remember on which website it was originally posted.
Where are the boys these days???? I miss the good old times! A$$vomit
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