Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My "Remember When..." Queer Fantasies - Part IX

These are the last of my "Remember When..." queers fantasies that I was able to recover from cached pages of the old Dustin Diamond Love forum. Unfortunately, I know that some stories are missing:

"Diamond Learns About Trophies" episode recap
Posted: May 4, 2011 04:52 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember how jealous you were of Slater and Zack Morris for winning all of those sporting awards at Bayside? Remember how Slater won lots of football and wrestling awards and Zack won cross-country and track awards? Remember how you sucked at sports and the only awards you won were from that stupid Insect Rodeo? Remember the envy you felt when visiting Slater's room? Remember how Slater was ass-raping you and you saw all of the plaques and trophies in his room? Remember when you also saw a TV show where a hunter had mounted the heads of deer in a trophy room of his house? Remember when you were jealous of everyone for having all of those trophies and decided that you wanted to make your own trophy room? Remember when you started mounting a few pairs of Belding's dirty skidmark-encrusted underwear on your wall? Remember when you also mounted some sweaty jock straps and wrestling singlets you had stolen from the Bayside laundry bin after wrestling practice? Remember when you also stole a black toilet seat covered in piss and shit stains from the rest stop where your TV dad, Mr. Powers, operated his gloryhole? Remember when you hung the toilet seat on a nail in your bedroom wall? Remember how after your entire bedroom reeked of the smell of piss, sweaty balls, and ass after all of your "trophies" had been hung? Remember when you showed off your trophy room to Belding? Remember how mad Belding was at you for stealing his used underwear? Remember when he said that he didn't have any money for new underwear and had instead been working "commando" at Bayside? Remember when Belding decided that you needed to be taught a lesson and kicked you in the junk and then took the toilet seat hanging on the wall and cracked your across your head with it? Remember how you were laying on your back on the floor and then Belding jumped down off your bed onto the floor and gave you Hulk Hogan's patented leg drop across your neck? Remember how the massive weight of Belding's 450-lb body coming down on the floor caused your bedroom floor to collapse, sending the two of you down through the floor to the kitchen below? Remember when you cracked your head open on the way down when you head your head on the hard counter top? Remember how Belding cushioned his fall by landing on Hound Dog, flattening Hound Dog into the bloody pancake and instantly killing your beloved pet? Remember when Belding saw that your skull was cracked open and got really turned on? Remember when Belding jerked off and blew his HIV+ load into your head wound? Remember how an ambulance arrived 30 minutes later and found your lifeless body? Remember when an emergency room doctor shaved your entire head and then stitched your head back together, encasing Belding's massive diseased seed in your head forever? Remember how up until this point you had straight hair like a normal human being? Remember how when your hair grew back in, it was curly and resembled Belding's pubic hair as a result of his semen that was sealed forever in your head? You really learned about trophies that time!

"Belding Becomes As Exotic Dancer" episode recap
Posted: May 1 2011, 08:25 AM

Diamond, remember that episode when Belding began working as an exotic dancer at a strip club on the weekends? Remember when you went to the club to see him and slipped a 1-dollar bill into his purple g-string thong? Remember how unbeknownst to Belding, you had tied a string around the dollar and used the string to yank the dollar out of Belding's thong after you had already placed it in there? Remember how your childish and rude antics enraged Belding? Remember when the Big Bopper kicked you in the face and then attempted to strangle you to death with the string around the dollar? Remember when the string snapped and then Belding started smashing your face into the strip club stage? Remember when the five female strippers and the other waitresses in the bar started fingering themselves and the male patrons jerked off while watching Belding beat the shit out of you? Remember when Belding violently ass-raped you in front of everyone at the strip club? Remember when Belding pulled his cock out out your bloodied ass and blew a huge HIV+load in your jew fro? Remember when the maintenance people started hitting you with brooms and dustpans? Remember when the bouncers picked you up and threw you into a dumpster behind the strip club and left you for dead? You really learned about the inner workings of strip clubs that time!

"The Bayside Barbecue" recap
Posted: March 8, 2011 05:25 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember the oil spill episode where Becky the Duck died after being covered in oil? Remember when you cracked a joke to Zack that he should hold a barbecue in the Bayside parking lot to raise money to fight the oil developers? Remember when you suggested that Becky the Duck be the main course at the barbecue? Remember how funny you thought you were being? Remember when Zack surprisingly said that it seemed like a good idea? Remember when you showed up at Bayside barbecue a few days later and ate a yummy piece of barbecued meat? Remember how there were 75 people at the barbecue and everyone got a hearty piece of meat? Remember how unusual it seemed that Becky the Duck could have possibly provided enough meat to feed 75 people? Remember when you asked Zack about this and he said that he was able to find additional meat at your house? Remember when you asked what he meant and then he told you that he had grabbed Hound Dog and barbecued him? Remember when you started crying and then Zack said, "Hound Dog wasn't enough food, so we also got your mom, Mrs. Powers?" Remember when Zack pointed to the charred remains of Mrs. Powers' clothing that were over by the fire and realized that both your dog and your TV mom had just been barbecued and fed to Bayside students? You sure learned not to lip off to Zack that time!

"Diamond Meets Record Company Executives" recap
Posted: February 4, 2011 07:24 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember back in 2000 when you heard that Christmas song where the sounds of different dogs barking are spliced together to render the song "Jingle Bells" comprised entirely of the barking sounds? Remember when this gave you an idea and you created your own version of "Jingle Bells" comprised entirely of the sounds of different dudes farted, spraying diarrhea and taking dumps at the rest stop where your dad works? Remember when you tried to sell your song to record companies? Remember when the record executives accused you of wasting their time and then ass-raped you as punishment? Remember when you didn't sell any albums? Remember when Zack stole your only copy of the album and then ripped an MP3 of the Jingle Bells song and allowed everyone to download the song from him via Napster? Remember when the record company that made the "Jingle Bells" dogs barking sing downloaded your fart version and got mad because you were ripping off his song in a homosexual way? Remember when he hired JM J Bullock to throw you a beating? Remember when JM J Bullock showed up at your house and made you eat out his smelly asshole? Remember when he then pulled out a hypodermic needle and jabbed himself in the arm to capture some of his HIV+ blood? Remember when he jabbed you repeatedly in your tiny nutsack with the tainted needle until your tiny balls were bleeding all over the place? Remember when you contracted the deadly AIDS virus during this vicious attack and you life expectancy was reduced by 35 years? The record companies really got you good that time!

"Jock Strap Attack" episode recap
Kurt Steinberg - January 28, 2011 10:11 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode back in 1993 where Slater and Belding used Slater's sweaty jock strap from wrestling practice to fling chunks of shit at you? Remember how Belding would place a moist dog turd in the jock strap and then Slater would twirl the jock strap around in a circle and then used the jock strap as a make-shift slingshot to launch the dog turd right into your face and Jew fro? Remember how they hit you with several of Hound Dog's moist turds until they ran out of dog shit? Remember how Belding then dropped trou and unleashed a giant shit log into the jock strap and then Slater fired it at you? Remember how Belding's shit log hit you in your hook nose and then split apart into little pieces? Remember how several of the pieces fell into your mouth and you gobbled them down as if you were Pac-Man ingesting a power pellet? Remember how Slater and Belding laughed at what a shit-covered faggot you were and then through the stained jock strap at you and then left and drove over to the Olive Garden for a nice meal to celebrate? Remember how you still have fond memories of this incident and consider it to have been the best day of your life? Remember how you kept the unwashed jock strap and have been sniffing it while masturbating for the past 18 years? You sure are a dirty faggot!

"Indoor Golf" episode recap
Posted: September 12, 2010 09:01 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember when you played that indoor golf game that Belding invented in the early 1990s? Remember how instead of being played on a golf course, Belding's game was played on your naked body? Remember how instead of a golf ball, Belding used one of Hound Dog's dog turds? Remember how instead of a golf tee, Belding used your tiny cock as a golf tee? Remember how instead of a golf club, Belding used his massive cock? Remember how instead of trying to his the dog turd in a golf hole cup, the purpose of Belding's version was to hit the dog turd into your open mouth? Remember when Belding would set the dog turd on your tiny cock and smack at the dog turd with his massive cock in an effort to knock it into your mouth? Remember when you and Belding played the game in your bedroom at the Powers residence? Remember when Belding kept swinging his cock with too much power and hit the dog turd so hard that it smacked into your bedroom wall? Remember how by the end of an hour of played the game, Belding had hit 13 dog turds into your mouth? Remember how there were also numerous shit stains on your wall and carpet from where the dog turds landed when Belding hit the dog turds? Remember when you saw the shit stains and yelled at Belding to clean it up? Remember when Belding said he would wash away the shit stains with a piss hosedown? Remember when Belding pissed on your wall and carpet? Remember how Belding's piss didn't remove the shit stains? Remember how Belding's piss stained your carpet and wall and stunk up your bedroom? Remember when Belding heard the garage door opener and deduced that Mrs. Powers was opening the garage door because she was home? Remember when Belding wiped the dog shit stains off his cock with your Zubaz and then got dressed up and climbed out the window and went outside? Remember when Mrs. Powers walked into your room and saw and smelled all of the shit- and piss- stains? Remember how mad that made Mrs. Powers? Remember when she said you were going to clean up your mess? Remember when she dumped a soapy detergent in your hair and then grabbed your head and rubbed your jew-fro up and down on the wall and floor to shampoo out the stains? Remember how the coarse hair in your jew-fro cleaned up the stains after 30 minutes of hard scrubbing? Remember when Mrs. Powers also punished you by having anal sex with Belding right in front of you? Remember when she instructed Belding to pull his cock out of her ass right before he was about to cum so that he could shoot his load into your mouth? You sure learned about golf that time!

"The Bayside Gold Rush" episode recap
Posted: September 6, 2010 03:11 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember how far-fetched and totally unrealistic the oil spill episode was when a large pocket of oil was discovered 1 foot below the football field and nobody had ever noticed it before even when the football field was built? Remember the "gold rush" episode, which was even more absurd? Remember when a new pool was being build and 10 feet of dirt had to be dug out? Remember when an underground stream was discovered 10 feet below the surface? Remember when Mr. Dewey saw something shiny and announced that there was gold in the stream? Remember how everyone cheered and all of the students and teachers at Bayside decided to become gold miners? Remember how Slater and most of the other students used shovels to dig into the dirt? Remember how Belding decided that he could dig up and sift through the dirt more quickly if he dug with your enormous hook nose? Remember when he grabbed you by the jew-fro and shoved your face into a mound of dirt? Remember when your nostrils filled up with a couple pounds of dirt? Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, sneeze out that dirt so we can see whether there are any gold nuggets?" Remember when he punched and kicked you in the back and then you sneezed out the dirt? Remember how there was one little gold nugget in the dirt? Remember how happy that made Belding? Remember when you complained that you couldn't see because there was dirt in your eyes? Remember when Belding remedied the situation by pissing on your face, washing away the dirt? Remember when Belding grabbed your jew-fro again and shoved your face into another mound of dirt? Remember when Belding pulled your face out of the dirt and saw a gold nugget sticking out of one of the nostrils on your huge hook nose? Remember how you were having trouble breathing and started coughing? Remember when you accidentally inhaled the gold nugget into your lungs? Remember how mad that made Belding? Remember when Belding started punching you in the back? Remember how Belding threw you onto the ground face-first and then started jumping on your back in an effort to force your lungs to expel the gold nugget? Remember when the force of Belding's massive 425 lb body caused your ribs to snap as though they were pretzels? Remember when Belding noticed the similar between your cracking ribs and pretzels and got hungry? Remember when Belding stopped jumping on your back and then traveled with you in an ambulance where you received medical care? Remember how the doctors said you were in critical condition and might die? Remember when Belding said, "that may be true, but that rim goblin stole gold from me!" Remember when you had a chest x-ray and the doctors discovered a foreign object in your lungs? Remember how the foreign object was not a gold nugget but was instead a yellow piss-stained dog turd? Remember how the doctors started laughing and hi-fiving Belding? Remember when you spent the next six months in intensive care as you struggled to breath while your ribs slowly healed? Remember when Belding and Slater would visit you to say hello and spit-roast you? You sure learned about the value of gold that time!

"Diamond Learns About Baseball" recap
Posted: July 7, 2010 08:24 PM (GMT)

Diamond, did you hear about the poor guy who fell from the upper deck at the Texas Rangers baseball game when he was reaching for a foul ball? Did that remind you of the time that Slater and Zack threw you from the upper deck at Dodger stadium? Remember when you landed on the hard pavement and broke some ribs? Remember when Slater and Zack started pelting you with large cups of Mountain Dew? Remember when announcer Vin Scully stood up in the announcer's box, unzipped his trousers, and took a piss on you down below? Remember when the cameraman showed you on the big Jumbotron screen getting pelted with debris? Remember how hard everyone was laughing? Remember how everyone was pelting you with peanuts, hot dogs, and beer for the next 15 minutes? Remember when a full-scale riot broke out and Zack and his dad grabbed one of the 50lb video cameras and threw it down onto you in an effort to murder you? Remember when Slater and Ox started ripping individual seats from the upper deck and threw them down onto you? Remember how billionaire Rupert Murdoch was the owner of the Dodgers at the time and he blamed you for destroying the stadium and causing a ruckus? Remember when he sent you a bill for $100k for the damage? Remember when he farted on the bill before he inserted in into the envelope? You sure learned about America's pastime that day!

"The Bayside Wet T-Shirt Contest" recap
Posted: July 6, 2010 02:20 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where you entered Mr. Belding in the annual Bayside wet t-shirt contest? Remember how Belding competed against Kelly and Jesse? Remember how Belding asked you to purchase a new undershirt for him to wear in the contest? Remember when you purchase a Fruit-of-the-Loom brand XXL white undershirt for him to wear from K-Mart where it was on sale in a "blue-light special"? Remember when Belding tried on the undershirt and it ripped in the lower back because it was too small? Remember how Belding was pissed off, but went through with the wet t-shirt contest anyway? Remember when Slater sprayed Belding's shirt with a garden hose and then Belding got out on a stage at The Max and started freak dancing and shook his man-titties around? Remember when Kelly and Jesse did the same? Remember when Kelly received the most applause and won the contest? Remember when Belding finished in second? Remember how mad Belding was at losing the contest and blamed you? Remember when he took off his shoe and threw it at you after the results were announced? Remember when he took off his pants and ripped off your Zubaz? Remember when he shoved his cock up your ass and started ass-raping you? Remember when Max said he was going to perform a magic trick and made his cock disappear down your throat? Remember when they started spit-roasting you right in front of everyone? Remember when Kevin the Robot grabbed your ribcage with one of his claws and snapped one of your ribs in half? Remember when everyone was cheering, clapping, and masturbating? Remember when you looked over and saw that Max's "applause-meter" registered the highest possible level of applause? Remember when Max and Belding thumb-wrestled each other during the spit-roast? Remember when you contracted ebola and herpes during this attack? You sure learned not to disappoint the Big Bopper that time!

"Diamond's Date at Malibu Sands" recap
Posted: July 1, 2010 08:32 PM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that Malibu Sands episode where you went on a double date with Zack? Remember how Zack's date with a hot Stacey Carosi and your date was the morbidly obese middle-aged Mr. Carosi? Remember how all of you at dinner at the Malibu Sands beach club? Remember how AC Slater was your waiter? Remember when he pissed in your glass of Mountain Dew? Remember how Carosi kept massaging your leg beneath the table during dinner? Remember how after dinner Mr Carosi suggested that you all go swimming in the ocean? Remember how Zack and Stacey changing into swim suits? Remember how you and Mr. Carosi didn't have swim suits so Mr. Carosi suggested you two go skinny dipping? Remember how tiny your cock was and Stacey and Zack started laughing uncontrollably? Remember how that made you feel badly, so you ran into the ocean? Remember how Mr. Carosi ran after you and started hugging you to comfort you? Remember how Carosi started rubbing his massive cock against your thigh and then inserted in into your asshole? Remember when he started anally raping you while Zack cheered him on? Remember when you were screaming for help and the lifeguard yelled, "Shut up, JEWISH DICKHEAD!" Remember when Mr. Carosi shot his load up your ass and then you two walked back to the beach from the ocean? Remember how Stacey was disgusted by what had happened and quit her job and moved to Queens, New York? Remember when she married a fat guy who worked for International Parcel Service and who later quit his job to become a mall security guard? You sure got violated that time!

"The Diamond Show" recap
Posted: June 21, 2010 09:16 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember when you were living in Indianapolis, IN and were a student at John F. Kennedy Junior High School? Remember how you were molested and violently ass-raped by your Jr. High principal, Mr. Belding, and the black janitor for the school, Mylo? Remember when you complained about what was happening to your friends Mikey Gonzalez and Zack Morris? Remember when they convinced you to tell your teacher, Miss Bliss? Remember when Miss Bliss called the police? Remember when you went down to the police station to file a report and were crying uncontrollably as your gave a statement? Remember when the police captain gave you some aspirin to help you relax? Remember when you fell asleep and woke up the next morning in your bed? Remember when you got up out of bed and walked over to the window and saw palm trees in your yard? Remember how weird it seemed that palm trees would be growing in your suburb of Indianapolis?

Remember when you went downstairs to eat breakfast and you ran into a strange woman whom you had never seen before? Remember how she acted like she was your mom? Remember when she told you to hurry up or you would be late for school at Bayside High? Remember when you asked her what she was talking about and she said it was your first day in high school and you should make a good impression? Remember when you asked her why there were palm trees in the yard? Remember when she replied, "What are you talking about Screech? That palm tree has been in the backyard since before you were born? Remember when that coconut fell from the top of it and hit you on the head when you were five years old?" Remember when you said you had no idea what she was talking about and she replied that you must not be thinking clearly because it was your first day?

Remember when you showed up at Bayside and saw Zack Morris, but Mikey Gonzalez was nowhere to be found? Remember when you ran into a Mexican kid with a curly mullet named AC Slater and he behaved as though he had known you for years? Remember how confused you were? Remember when Zack walked you to your locker and you ran into Mr. Belding? Remember when Belding introduced himself and you replied that you had filed a police report against him and that he'd better leave you alone? Remember when Mr. Belding said that you were a weird kid and that he had never met you before in his life? Remember when you said that Miss Bliss would help send him to prison? Remember when he asked you who Miss Bliss was and said he had never met anyone with that name before? Remember how confused you were and said you had a headache? Remember when Mr. Belding sent you to the school therapist and said he'd be able to help out?

Remember when you walked into the therapist's office and saw that the therapist was a thin man with long blonde hair that was covering up an obvious receding hairline? Remember when the therapist introduced himself as Rod Belding, the brother of Principal Dick Belding? Remember when Rod diagnosed you with schizophrenia and said that you were just confused because it was your first day and that you shouldn't worry?

Remember when you were sent back to class? Remember when you heard an announcement over the PA that you were supposed to report to the Principal's office? Remember when you walked into Belding's office and were immediately hit in the face with a dictionary? Remember when Belding kicked you in the chest and then yanked off your Zubaz? Remember when Belding said, "How dare you accuse me of improprieties on the day I met you for the first time?" Remember when Belding viciously raped you? Remember how you were ass-raped everyday at school from that day forward, by both teachers, students, and the male parents of the students? Remember how these attacks went on for years until one day you decided to run away from home? Remember when you confessed your plans to Kevin the Robot and he tried to convince you that Mr. Belding was a good principal and that you were being treated fairly? Remember when you started to distrust Kevin and were becoming more and more paranoid? Remember when Kevin explained that all of the STDs that were pumped into your colon must be messing with your mind?

Remember when you packed up your belongings and decided to run away to the valley? Remember when you got onto your pink bike and peddled as fast as you could toward the horizon? Remember when you bike hit something hard and you flew off the bike and landed in what you thought was a force field? Remember when you realized that you had biked straight into a wooden wall that was painted to look like the horizon? Remember how you hit the wall so hard that it had split? Remember when you could see light on the other side? Remember when you burrowed through a hole in the wall and crawled through to the other side? Remember when you saw a street sign for the Indianapolis Pacers of the NBA? Remember how confused you were at this time? Remember when you looked over and saw your mom? Remember when you said, "what is going on here, mom?" Remember when you replied that her name was Ruth Abuzzi and that she was just an actress? Remember when you said that she was your mom and you lived with her and Hound Dog? Remember when she replied nonchalantly that she was just an actress and had simply made everything up and had been lying to you for years? Remember when she said that your life was filmed live as a reality show on the Spice Channel and was a huge hit in the gay community which watched all of your vicious ass-rapings?

Remember when she said that everyone was in on the scam and that you actually had lived on a TV set in Indianapolis for the last few years and had never even been to California? Remember how nobody seemed to care that you had been lied to for the past few years or that your ass-rapes had been televised in gay bars across the country to deviant homosexuals who jerked off at your anal violations?

Remember when you later learned that your life was like a gay version of Jim Carrey's role in "The Truman Show"? You really got screwed over that time!

"Chris Burke Teaches Diamond About Oil Spills"
Posted: June 11, 2010 04:58 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember how Chris "Corky" Burke has been practically glued to his television over the past few weeks watching news coverage on CNN of the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Remember how Chris got sick of watching CNN and turned the channel to TBS, which happened to be showing the "Piped Dreams" oil spill episode of Saved by The Bell? Remember how Chris thought that he was watching a different news program like Dateline? Remember when Chris that scene where Zack was holding Becky the Duck and he got confused and thought that you had intentionally spilled oil on Becky and had caused the oil spill in the Gulf? Remember when Chris saw your jew-fro, hook nose, and the black spandex tights you were wearing in that episode and thought that you looked like an evil jew and then remembered that he had heard that the jews killed Jesus? Remember how mad that made Chris Burke? Remember how Chris got into his rusty 1985 Yugo and started driving from his home in Los Angeles to your house in Wisconsin to teach you a lesson about protecting the environment from oil? Remember how Chris stopped off in Las Vegas while on the way and spent a couple thousand dollars on hookers and cocaine? Remember when Chris snorted cocaine out of one of the male hookers' ass crack? Remember when Chris got back into his car and drove toward Wisconsin with his foot firmly on the gas pedal so that the Yugo reached its top speed of 45 MPH on the highway?

Remember when Chris finally arrived at Wisconsin 36 hours later? Remember when Chris started throwing rocks at your house? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks! Who is out there?" Remember when Chris replied, "DEERRRRR!!!! It's Chris Burke!!! DEEERRRR!!!" Remember when Chris ran up and slugged you in the gut and then started stomping on your head with his cowboy boots? Remember when Chris remembered that he hadn't taken a dump since he left Los Angeles three days earlier and then dropped his pants and shit all over your face and then wiped his ass clean with your poofy jew-fro? Remember when Chris's cock got really hard and he made you suck on it? Remember when he pulled his cock out of your mouth and then tore off your Zubaz and stuck his cock up your ass? Remember when he used his mongo homo strength to ass-rape you while you screamed for help? Remember when your fake wife heard your screams and pleasured herself? Remember when Chris pumped you full of his diseased seed and then tried to burn down your house by lighting a fire in the garage while you laid on the garage floor in a puddle of blood that had dripped from your asshole? Remember when Chris got back in his car and drove home, satisfied that he had solved the oil leak problem? Remember when you were rushed to the emergency room and found out that you had contracted herpes from Chris's filthy cock? You sure learned about the environment that time!

"Diamond Visits a Baseball Game" recap
Posted: June 18, 2010 06:29 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember when you visited Washington, D.C. and watched a Nationals vs. Phillies baseball game? Remember how the mascot of the Nationals is homosexual-looking bird named "Screech"? Remember when the scoreboard camera showed you in the crowd and listed you as "Screech"? Remember when the Screech mascot got mad because you were using his name and decided to teach you a lesson? Remember when the mascot came running from the 3rd base foul territory into the stands after you? Remember how you tried to get up but were boxed in your row by your fake wife who was eating three hot dogs and had a tub of popcorn and a bag of peanuts on her lap? Remember when the Screech mascot picked you up and dragged you onto the dugout and tore off your Zubaz? Remember when the Screech mascot started stomping on your head and hairless pre-pubescent beanbag? Remember when the Screech mascot started ass-raping you? Remember how the scoreboard camera showed the homosexual attack for all to see? Remember how the umpire behind the plate called a time-out so that he could pull down his pants and masturbate? Remember how all of the players and almost everyone in the stands also started pleasuring themselves? Remember how the game was broadcast live on Fox as the "game of the week"? Remember when Tim McCarver and Mark Grace started jerking each other off in the announcer's booth? Remember how the Phillies mascot, the Phillie Fanatic, had traveled to the the game and was cheering on the Phillies despite the fact that it was an away game? Remember when the Phillie Fanatic ran over to the dugout and you were relieved because you thought he was going to save you? Remember how less relieved you were when he shoved his beak up your torn asshole and then started spit-roasting you with the Screech mascot? Remember how the Phillie Fanatic and the Screech mascot kept giving each other high-five's? Remember when they blew their loads and then threw you off the top of the dugout onto the concrete floor of the dugout 8 feet below? Remember how you were bleeding all over the place, so they decided to get rid of your body by rolling you up in the rain tarp? You sure learned why baseball is "America's pastime" that time!

"Belding Teaches Diamond About Weight Loss" recap
Posted: May 16, 2010 11:35 PM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where you were in Belding's office and started worrying that you were gaining weight and that Mr. Belding would no longer find you attractive? Remember when Belding tried to reassure you that everything was fine and said that you would feel better after eating lunch? Remember when you said you wanted to eat hot dogs and that you had stored a package of Oscar Meier hot dogs in the Bayside refrigerator? Remember when Belding said, "Diamond, it's funny you should mention that because I have a nice foot-long for you. It's a nice meal and will cause you to lose weight over time!" Remember how you assumed that Belding must have been referring to a secret source of low-fat hot dogs? Remember when you quickly realized that Belding was not talking about hot dogs when he threw you face-first into a row of file cabinets and then shoved his huge cock down your throat? Remember when he said, "How does that foot-long taste, BITCH!!!" Remember when he yanked off your Zubaz and started ass-raping you? Remember when you heard a rustling sound from the closet in Belding's office and then looked over and saw the entire closet door snap off at its hinges and Mr. Tuttle fell to the ground? Remember when you realized that the massive weight of Tuttle's morbidly obese frame was too heavy for the door frame to support? Remember when you saw that Tuttle's pants were down around his ankles and he was masturbating like a champion? Remember when you again looked into the closet and saw Mr. Powers in there sucking off AC Slater and Zack's dad? Remember when you cried out, "Zoinks!" as Belding started anally thrusting harder and harder until he shot his diseased load up your brownpipe? Remember when Belding pulled his cock out of your ass and used your jew-fro to wipe your shit off his cock? Remember how hard you were crying at this point and you asked why Belding had lied to you about losing weight? Remember when Belding said he didn't lie about anything and that you would eventually lose weight when the HIV with which he had just infected you transformed into full-blown AIDS? Belding really taught you a lesson that time!

"Diamond Learns About Static Electricity" recap
Posted: May 5, 2010 08:45 PM (GMT)
Diamond, remember that episode where Belding came to visit you in Wisconsin for Christmas? Remember how you have a thick shag carpet in your bedroom? Remember when you took a shower and got out of the shower completely naked and walked to your bedroom where you were going to service The Big Bopper's sexual needs? Remember how unbeknownst to you, Belding had been sliding his feet on the shag carpet for the past 15 minutes, building up a large charge of static electricity? Remember when you opened the door and Belding said, "Diamond, I want to play with your cock?" Remember how happy it made you that Belding finally wanted to give you sexual pleasure? Remember how less happy you were seconds later when Belding reached out to grab your tiny cock and a large blue spark of static electricity shot from his finger tip to your zoinker? Remember how painful the shock was, causing you to yell out, "Zoinks!" Remember when Belding asked if you liked static electricity and then started stomping on your ribs and jumping on your legs until he heard multiple bones snap? Remember when your chest caved in and Belding yelled out, "Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?" Remember when Belding farted in your face and then rolled you over and raped you as you struggled to breathe and your lungs filled with blood? You sure learned about static electricity that time!

"Corky Visits Bayside" recap
Posted: April 27, 2010 05:23 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where Chris "Corky" Burke from "Life Goes On" fame made a guest appearance on Saved By The Bell? Remember how the storyline of the episode was that Mr. Belding had made Corky through the "Big Brothers" program that matched adults with kids with Downs Syndrome? Remember when Belding took Corky fishing? Remember when Corky accidentally cut his finger on a fish hook and started crying and yelled, "DDEEERRRR!!! CORKY HATES HOOKS!!!! DDEEERRRR!!!" Remember when Belding told Corky that everything would be ok and then took Corky to Bayside for to spend the rest of the day? Remember when Belding introduced Corky to Slater, Zack, and then you? Remember how Corky looked at your huge hook nose and yelled, "Corky hates hook," and then punched you in the nose? Remember how you fell over like a house of cards? Remember when Corky used his mongoloid strength to tear off your Zubaz and then pulled down his pants and started raping you? Remember when the entire Bayside faculty and many students saw what was happening and started clapping and cheering on Corky? Remember when they started chanting, "CORKY! CORKY! CORKY!"? Remmeber when the chanting gave Corky the adrenaline to ass rape you even more violently? Remember how it was the best day of Corky's life and the worst day of yours? Remember when Corky shot his mongo disease-ridden load up your ass and then stood up and started flexing his muscles and doing poses like Hulk Hogan did in the WWF? Remember how Zack and Slater lifted Corky up on their shoulders and carried him down the hall while everyone cheered? Everyone sure liked that lovable 'tard and hated you that time!

"Diamond Dates Mr. Powers" recap
Posted: April 19, 2010 07:30 PM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where you started dating your father on SBTB, Mr. Powers? Remember how you would suck him off in the basement and in the garage? Remember when you found out that he was cheating on you with his wife and your mom, Mrs. Powers? Remember how jealous this made you? Remember when you walked into your TV parents' bedroom and saw that they were engaged in a hot orgy with Hound Dog and AC Slater? Remember when you yelled out, "Zoinks!!!" Remember how everyone was mad at you for interrupting their deviant group sex? Remember when Kevin the Robot rolled out of the hallway closet and pushed you onto the bedroom floor? Remember when Mrs. Powers sat on your face and made you eat out her dirty ass? Remember when Slater stomped on your ribs and started jerking off? Remember when Mr. Powers tore off your Zubaz and did you right in the ass? Remember when Hound Dog pissed in your Jew-fro? Remember when this assault went on for another 10 minutes until Slater and Mr. and Mrs. Powers had each cum several times and Hound Dog's bladder was completely empty of piss? Your idea to date your own dad really backfired that time!

"Hollywood is Farting" recap
Kurt Steinberg - April 16, 2010 04:48 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that time when you discovered that Mr. Belding was selling phone calls along with other washed-up celebrities on "Hollywood Is Calling"?

Remember when you hatched your newest get-rich-quick scheme and thought that people would pay $20 apiece to listen to celebrities farting, taking dumps, and spraying diarrhea? Remember when you used all of the money from your t-shirt scam to pay Maxwell Nerdstrom to set up a website for you? Remember when you named the website, "Hollywood is Farting" after narrowly deciding against "Hollywood is Taking a Shit"? Remember when you hid a microphone in the bathroom at The Standard and in the bathrooms at the Taco Bell and Denny's on the Sunset strip? Remember when you taped the farts and diarrhea sounds of washed-up celebrities such Mr. Belding, Mayim Bialik, Scott Bakula, Michael Oliver, and the midget from Fantasy Island? Remember when you started offering the sound clips on your website? Remember how the only person who paid for any of the sound clips was your TV father, Mr. Powers? Remember how you lost thousands of dollars on your scheme and were sued for illegally audiotaping the sounds of washed-up celebrities going to the bathroom? Remember when you had to declare bankruptcy to fend off your creditors, lost your house and car, and now live under a bridge with rabid homosexual bums who violate you every night and jab used hypodermic needles into your hairless ball-sac? You really screwed yourself over that time!

"Belding's Time Machine Portal" recap
Posted: March 24, 2010 09:31 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where Mr. Belding worked with Kevin the Robot to invent a time machine? Remember how instead of using the time machine for the good of the world or to make money on the stock market or gambling, Mr. Belding instead used the time machine send his farts and other bodily waste products back in time? Remember when Kevin the Robot installed a time portal in your bedroom through which items from the future could travel back in time? Remember how Belding would often stick his ass into the time machine and rip ass? Remember how Belding's farts traveled through the fabric of space and time and landed right in your face? Remember how every night Belding's farts would envelop your bedroom? Remember how Kevin built a time machine chair that Belding could sit on naked while he was eating at Taco Bell? Remember how Belding's diarrhea from over 20 years into the future would often travel through the time machine portal and land on your face? Remember how Belding used the time machine as a toilet and sent 30 years worth of piss and shit through the portal and into your bedroom during your senior year at Bayside? Remember when Mr. Tuttle borrowed the machine and jerked off into it in the year 2015? Remember when you contracted new strains of HIV from the semen that passed through the time machine? Belding really used scientific advances to screw you over that time!

"Diamond's 'Hot Tub Time Machine'" Recap
Posted: March 20, 2010 08:14 PM (GMT)

Diamond, remember when you saw that preview for the new movie, "Hot Tub Time Machine"? Remember how you wished you had a hot tub time machine so that you could go back in time and warn your younger self not to trust Mylo, Slater, and Belding because they were homosexual rapists? Remember when you programmed Kevin the Robot to build a hot tub time machine for you? Remember when you stripped down to your Zubaz Speedos and got into the hot time time machine and set it to send you back to 1988 so that you could tell your younger self not to move from Indianapolis to Los Angeles to attend Bayside High School? Remember when Belding appeared out of nowhere and dropped his pants and took a massive dump in your hot tub time machine? Remember how the water in the hot tub portion got really cloudy and smelly and then chunks of Belding's fecal matter clogged up the water filter and broke your hot tub time machine? Remember when Belding yelled, "Where the fuck do you think you're going, SHIT-HEAD!" Remember when Belding yanked you out of the hot tub and started having unprotected buttsex with you completely against your will? Remember when Kevin the Robot rolled over and you gave that his metal cock was extending? Remember when Belding and Kevin started spit-roasting you? Remember how Belding kept giving hi-fives with his hand and Kevin's claw? Remember when Belding shot his diseased load up your ass and Kevin blew his oily robotic load in your mouth at the same time? Remember how you started choking and inhaled Kevin's oily load? Remember how you almost suffocated and died as the oil stuck to your lungs? Kevin the Robot really got you good that time!

"Diamond's Zubaz Jacket" recap
Posted: March 16, 2010 10:25 AM (GMT)

Diamond, remember that episode where Mrs. Powers gave you a hot pink Zubaz jacket for your 17th birthday? Remember how it was your favorite jacket and you wore it to school every day? Remember how you first wore it to school on Monday, September 21, 1992? Remember how Mylo forgot to tell Belding that the school needed more toilet paper and as a result, the school ran out of toilet paper in the Teacher's lounge? Remember how Belding broke into your locker and pulled out your pink Zubaz jacket and your peanut butter and jelly sandwich and used both as toilet paper in the bathroom stall in the Teacher's lounge? Remember how your peanut butter and jelly sandwich fell apart when Belding tried to wipe his ass with it? Remember when Belding was forced to wipe his ass clean with your Zubaz jacket instead? Remember how it was burrito day in the cafeteria and everyone was taking a dump after lunch? Remember when Belding placed an "out of order" sign on the boy's bathroom and directed everyone to use the bathroom in the Teacher's lounge? Remember how by the end of the day your Zubaz jacket was covered in brown stains and smelled like ass? Remember how numerous partially digested chunks of corn and peanuts were stuck to the collar and in the pockets? Remember how there were also urine stains all over the jacket from where Slater tried to write in his name in piss? Remember when Belding broke into your locker at the end of the day and placed your jacket back inside? Remember when you found the jacket and everyone started laughing at you? Remember how Kevin the Robot was the hall monitor that day for some unexplained reason and he sent you to detention for causing a disruption in the Bayside halls? Remember when you had to sit in detention after school for 45 minutes as the other delinquents threw gum and coins at your head and spit in your jew-fro? Remember how the other kids got sick of throwing things at you and started have gay sex with you, completely against your will? Remember when you were spit-roasted while several other kids farted on you and then jerked off? Remember when your SBTB dad, Mr. Powers, walked into the room and said he was there to rescue you? Remember when he changed his mind and started sucking off the other kids in the detention hall? Remember when Belding walked in and said, "Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?" Remember when Belding dropped his pants and then started kicking you in the head? Remember when Mr. Powers and the kids all started laughing as you got your ass kicked? Remember when the Big Bopper started raping you while Mr. Powers cheered him on and shouted words of encouragement? Remember when Belding grunted and then filled your colon up with HIV+ semen? Remember when Belding picked you up and body-slammed you? Remember when he lifted you up and then pushed your head against the chalkboard and used your jew-fro to clean all of the chalk off the chalkboard? Remember when you lost consciousness but came to in Mr. Power's rusty 1978 Gremlin as he drove you home? Remember when you walked in the house and collapsed on the floor? Remember when Hound Dog sniffed your hair and then started sneezing because he was allergic to the chalk dust in your jew-fro? Remember how mad that made Hound Dog? Remember how Hound Dog decided to get even with you by pissing in your jew-fro? You really learned not to show off your flashy jacket that time!

No comments: