After the cancellation of "Saved By The Bell: The New Class" in 2000, Screech filmed and released a chess instructional video entitled, "Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess." This instructional video is nearly four hours long and it seems unlikely that anyone bothered to watch it all the way through:
This post includes several other AI-generated instructional videos starring Screech.
This first video is a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches Bathroom Attending":
This video is a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches Dodgeball":
This is video of a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches Fart Forensics":
This is video of a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches How to Be a Bum":
This is video of a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches Football (From the Bench)":
This is video of a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches Blackjack":
This is video of a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches Roulette":
This is video of a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches Go Fish":
This is video of a trailer for "Dustin Diamond Teaches Checkers":
Here are two videos of trailers for alternative versions of "Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess":
35 comments:
If the dodgeball video includes clips of Screech getting nailed in the face repeatedly, that alone would be worth the price!
I don’t want to see anything except Screech teaching “fart forensics”. By that I want to see people fart in his face, then have him guess what they had eaten. That goblin pretended that was a real science, kind of a CSI type job. We all know it was just a ruse so Screech could sniff farts. I wonder if any deranged weirdo bought the tape and believed it he followed it he could get a high paying job with their local police department?
Barf, were these all self-funded vanity projects? Or was Screech tricked into believing that he was filming these as pilots for a new tv show? I bet that a lot of people signed up for an opportunity to rip ass in Screech’s face for the “Fart Forensics” video or to whip dodgeballs at Screech’s head in the dodgeball one.
Someone seems to have started a hot Mr. Horton episode of Diff’rent Strokes but never finished it! This could have been gold!
https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9861562/1/The-Return-of-Horton-Part-1
I was able to find part two, which the author wrote 5 years after the first part. I wish they had continued the story.
https://m.fanfiction.net/s/13062417/1/The-Return-of-Horton-Part-2
Barf, those were fantastic finds. I am posting the full text of Part 1 here:
The Return of Horton, Part 1 by Henry Kissinger
Published: Nov 20, 2013
Phil Drummond was reading the financial section of the newspaper when Arnold suddenly ran into the living room, visibly alarmed.
"Arnold, what's troubling you son?"
"Dudley just called. He told me that they are releasing Mr. Horton from prison today!"
Mr. D tried to conceal his anger, raising a single eyebrow to protest this horrible news. "But, Arnold, you don't need to worry. Horton will need to register as a sex-offender and he won't be able to go anywhere near children. Besides, he wouldn't risk getting in trouble again!"
Arnold didn't seem convinced. "But Dad, we HAVE to do something. Dudley and I aren't safe as long as Mr. Horton is loose!"
"Wait a minute Arnold. Is there something you aren't telling me?"
Arnold looked down at the floor, clearly ashamed. "I didn't want you to know."
"Know what? What's going on?"
"Well, Dad…Dudley felt bad that Mr. Horton went to jail, so he wrote him letters to cheer him up."
"He WHAT?" Mr. Drummond was shocked and appalled.
"He wrote letters. Nothing serious, but Mr. Horton wrote back. And the letters from Mr. Horton were like…love letters."
"That's it! I'm calling Mr. Ramsey right now!"
"No Dad, don't! Dudley's dad will kill him!"
Mr. Drummond was increasingly agitated. "What on earth would possess Dudley to write to…to the man who tried to…RAPE him?"
"Dudley liked Mr. Horton, and he believed that he was just sick, but that deep down, he was a kind, sweet man. But the letters from Mr. Horton got crazier and crazier. He told Dudley that when he gets out, he will find him and nothing will keep them apart again."
"Enough! I am calling the police right now. No ifs ands or buts!"
Here is the full text of Part 2:
The Return of Horton, Part 2 by Henry Kissinger
Published: Sep 11, 2018
Mr. Horton had known many children over the years. Until that blasted Mr. Drummond got him arrested, the back of his bike shop was his paradise. While in prison, Horton would return to this oasis and reflect on all the smiling faces he'd entertained there. One face in particular comforted him in his dreams- Dudley Ramsay.
Horton knew that Dudley was special. And the fact that Dudley was sweet and considerate enough to write to him only confirmed that the two of them shared a special bond. He knew that when he was released, he would find Dudley and they could run away together. In the meantime, he would play the game. Act like he was remorseful and do what he could to get released. Of course he'd have to register as a sex offender and stay away from children, but old Curly Horton was resourceful. He'd find a way!
As much as he loved Dudley, he grew to despise the Drummonds- both father and son! Hadn't he been kind and generous to Arnold? Hadn't Arnold promised to keep their secret? Arnold proved himself to be nothing but a sneak and a liar as far as Horton was concerned. And as for Mr. Drummond, with his holier than thou attitude, Horton had nothing but contempt. He'd seen how rich people like Drummond can get away with anything. He was certain there must be something sordid in Drummond's past. When he gets out, he would do some digging and expose Drummond for the phony that he is. Horton grinned at the thought of Drummond behind bars, while he was in some sunny place with Dudley. That would be sweet revenge.
But first, he needed to get out of prison.
There is also another short story about Arnold dreaming about Mr. Horton on that website at this URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12159110/1/Arnold-s-nightmare
Arnold's nightmare by RisingSun0000
Published: Sep 21, 2016
It was night in the Drummond household. Arnold was asleep. He was having a dream. In the dream, he heard a knock. He answered the door, and saw a face of a man he had hoped never to see again. Mr. Horton! "Hello, Arnold," Horton said evilly. Arnold began backing up, horrified. "I escaped. I'm back. You're mine, punk!" Horton growled. He ran for the stairs and up, but all doors were locked. In terror, Arnold spun around to see Horton slowly advancing. "You're not going anywhere," he snarled, coming closer and closer. Suddenly, it all vanished, as Arnold shot up in his bed, screaming. To his shock, yet relief, he realized it had only been a nightmare. He glanced at the clock. Three in the morning. He sighed, then got out of bed, and padded to the stairs, and just sat on them, staring blankly into the darkness. "Arnold?" a gentle voice asked. Arnold glanced, and saw it was his older sister Kimberly. Or rather, his stepsister, since Mr. Drummond had adopted him and Willis, but his sister nevertheless. "Arnold, are you okay, sweetie?" she asked. She sat beside him on the steps, with an arm around him. Arnold sighed, "Yeah, just a bad dream." "Let me guess. That bicycle man, Mr. Horton?" Arnold could only nod. "Oh, sweetie." She hugged him, and said, "He's in jail and guarded, where he can't get to you. And what happened was not your fault in any way, shape or form. Or Dudley's. It was Mr. Horton's alone. You know that, right?" "Yeah..." Arnold started. She continued. "Mr. Horton is just a sick, twisted man, who fooled us all." Arnold relaxed. He felt so blessed and lucky to have a caring sister like Kimberly. "When you and Dudley testify against him in court, he'll be put away where he can never do this again. I'm proud of both of you," she said firmly. Arnold felt better with her words, knowing she was right. "And you won't be alone during this. Or Dudley. Remember that. Think you can sleep again?" she asked. "Yeah, I think I can, thanks Kim." She put an arm around him, and led him to his room, and stood by the door until he fell asleep, much more easily this time. She was enraged at this man for violating her dear brother's innocence, but she was proud of her brother for having the courage to do the right thing. She counted her blessings as she returned to her own bed and slept easily also the rest of the night.
I was a cellmate of Mr. Horton in Attica in the mid-late 1980s. He accidentally left his diary in our cell after he was released. Here is an entry from the diary:
"June 5, 1989
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow is the day. After six years, I'm getting out. The parole board finally approved it.
I should feel something. Relief, maybe. I don't.
The prison counselor keeps asking me if I'm "ready." Ready for what? The world out there doesn't want me. I know that. The men in here, most of them don't want anything to do with me either. They've got their own code, and a man who hurt kids sits at the bottom of it. I've learned to keep my eyes down, my mouth shut.
I think about those two boys sometimes. Arnold and Dudley. They were just kids. I told myself I was being friendly. I told myself a lot of things. The wine. The games. The pictures. The things I told them to keep secret.
I was the best friend they ever had. However, that evil Mr. Drummond was so insanely jealous of me that he coached them to lie to the police about me! I shared everything with Dudley and Arnold - banana splits, wine, kinky cartoons, showers, mouthwatering pills, and even introduced Dudley to the best game ever - Neptune, King of the Sea!
The counselor says I need to "acknowledge the harm I caused." What am I supposed to acknowledge when I didn't do anything wrong? I said what I needed to say to the parole board to gain my parole. But when I am out, it is time for payback!
I am going to find Mr. Drummond and then I'll introduce him to another game - it is called "Stuff My Face with Pizza and then Sit on Mr. Drummond's Head and Go Diarrhea." I'm sure he'll love it!"
What a spicy day with all these Mr. Horton posts! It is so heartwarming to see that Dudley felt bad for helping railroad Mr. Horton and wrote him letters. Mr. Horton was right to think Mr. Drummond was a conniving man who would do anything to set up a lovable bike repair shop man because of all the attention he was getting. He was also correct in thinking Mr. Drummond had some skeletons in his closet. That diary post was amazing. Showing some insight into the mind of Mr. Horton. I wonder if he ever did get to stuff himself with pizza, then spray diarrhea all over Mr. Drummond. From this fine board I am aware that Mr. Horton did get to spend the rest of his life with his true love Dudley.
Stupid faggots need to shut up and wrap their bongo lips around my rock-hard cock immediately and then I will also impregnate them with my ass-babies and like the deadbeat dad that I am, take off & bail and leave u with all the costs of raising the shit-child awl by 'yer lonesome.. Have Fun!!!
I shot “Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess”. It was the worst experience of my life. I got paid $25 to shoot it. It took nearly 10 hours to shoot that piece of crap. I knew no one would buy any copies of it, but Screech thought he was going to get rich off that tape. He kept making jokes about “making your opponents King disappear” then he would stick it up his ass. He must have done this 20 or 30 times. An unseen part in the video is Mr. Belding showing up for a “booty call”. He came in and was annoyed Screech was shooting a video so he bent over and ripped a nasty fart so powerful it blew all the chess pieces off the board. Screech and he then disappeared for about an hour during which I could hear many loud farts, plenty of buttslamming, and about a thousands “Zoinks”. The room I was in stank like an anus by the time Mr. Belding left. Overall it was a horrible experience.
On this 25th anniversary of the horrible 9/11 attacks I wanted to disclose some previously classified information. After 9/11 Mr. Belding offered his services to his country. The CIA quickly realized his abilities in interrogating terrorists with his potent farts and belches. When we caught a high value detainee we would fly in Mr. Belding, along with hundreds of deep dish pepperoni pizza’s, cases of Mountain Dew, and bags of Doritos. Then we would allow Mr. Belding to do his thing. None of those terrorists could withstand more than 2 or 3 blasts from Mr. Belding before they were ready to rat out their own mothers. Mr. Belding helped prevent many other attacks. Today I salute that great man.
Videographer, $25 for ten hours of work is essentially slave wages! I couldn’t watch more than two minutes of “Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess,” so I am amazed that you were able to put up with him for ten hours. At least Mr. Belding showed up and provided some entertainment by ripping ass in Screech’s face and butt-slamming him. I’m not surprised that the set reeked of the stench of anus as a result of Mr. B’s potent farts. I have heard stories about that happening on a regular basis during the filming of “New Class” episodes.
Smiddy, the ad I replied to called for someone to shoot a two hour video. So I assumed it would last a few hours, and I’d be able to make a few bucks and put it on my resume which was more important than the cash. Instead it lasted 10 hours with nonstop nonsense, and a Mr. Belding bootie call! When I saw the finished product I didn’t want it anywhere near my resume or IMdB page.
Videographer, when Mr. Belding showed up at the set, did he grab Screech by the Jew-fro and then press his ass up against Screech’s face and then rip a loud and smelly fart? If so, this should have been included as an extra on the “Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess” videotape. A scene like that alone would have driven sales.
Smiddy, I think Mr. Belding used his normal “fart on Screech’s head” to blow all the pieces off the chess board. So no, he didn’t initially fart on Screech. I’m certain he did fart in Screech’s face many times when they were in another room. By the time Screech returned to finish the video his Jew-fro was matted, had a chunk missing, and one portion was squashed against his scalp as if a torrential wind had blown it over. Screech acted like a big shot as if a Mr. Belding booty call was something that would impress me.
Mr. Horton is my favorite character of all times. I feel he was railroaded by Mr. Drummond who was jealous of Mr. Horton’s sweet bike shop. I’ve filed to get Mr. Horton a full pardon in New York. I believe the climate is perfect to get him a political pardon from Governor Houchol and rehabilitate his good name!
I once ran into Mr. Horton at a Sacramento truck stop. He was there with Dudley and were very nice. I told him I remembered his episode of “Diff’rent Strokes” and was happy he’d gotten through those times and seemed to have landed on his feet. He thanked me for the kind wishes and told me he’d been set up by some malicious forces tied to Mr. Drummond. He told me he never gave Arnold or Dudley any wine and it was just grape juice. He said that he also never gave any actual pills, but gummy bears. He said Arnold caused him a lot of trouble by being dramatic and he was grateful Dudley knew none of it was true. Dudley then pinched his butt and they both started giggling before heading back to the Motorhome they were living in.
Big Rig Driver, Mr. Horton was clearly railroaded by the evil and mafia-connected Mr. Drummond! I remember when kids were able to buy candy cigarettes at drug stores in the 1980s, so it does seem likely that Mr. Horton gave Dudley some candy pills to chew on. Dudley told a police officer that the pills made him “feel goofy.” Dudley was probably just experiencing a sugar high. If Mr. Horton was guilty of anything, it was of being too nice and generous with his candy.
In the 1990’s I live in a small apartment and my neighbors were Mr. Horton and Dudley. This was in Mission Viejo California. I regularly saw Mr. Horton and Dudley riding bikes all over town. After about a year Mr. Horton and Dudley opened up a bike shop that was pretty successful. I even bought a bike there myself and regularly had it serviced there. The most interesting thing I recall was every now and then Mr. Horton would wear this funny t-shirt with a guys face on it. It read “Mr. Drummond is a bad man”. I guess the guys face was Mr. Drummond, and he had a little “Hitler” mustache and was wearing a Nazi military hat. I found that interesting and saw it a few times. Dudley was more laid back and I’d regularly see him smoking a cig on the front stoop. I moved away a number of years ago, and know the bike shop closed some time ago. But those are fond memories.
Hi guys. I’m thinking of becoming a long haul trucker. I like the idea of living on the road and at truck stops/rest areas. I’m planning on getting myself a portable toilet so if emergency hits, or I’m too lazy to walk to the bathroom, I can take a nice dump in the back of my cab. At the end of a long day I can’t think of anything better than taking a steaming crap right in the sleeper berth. Then I’d use some cat littler to wipe out the stink, tie it up in a garbage bag, and toss it out the window! I feel this would really ingratiate me into the trucker community. Seeing me toss a bag of feces out the window would let other truckers know I’m hip to the scene! During the day I’d head into the truck stop to take a dump and enjoy the camaraderie with my fellow truckers. I wonder if there are ever farting contests and prizes for the best fart? I’m excited to potentially run into Screech one day if he returns to the scene!
That chess video is unwatchable. It would have been nice for it to be a bit entertaining. But Screech just made stupid faces and really horrible jokes, then went back to trying to be somewhat serious about chess. It isn’t entertaining and I only watched a few minutes of it. It would have been much better if it was all absurd and included Mr. Belding or Corky. Mr. Belding could have belched and farted repeatedly. Corky could have played Screech and would have become infuriated when Screech tried to correct his illegal moves, or when he lost a game. Corky would have filled his diaper, then strangled Screech with it. I feel many chess fans and non chess fans would have purchased that tape. It would have been great if they had some extra features where Mr. Belding took a dump on Screech while Corky whipped Screech’s bean bag with a rusty car antenna.
Chess Prodigy, I’ve never played chess. However, if I wanted to learn, I can’t imagine watching a four hour video of Screech teaching chess moves while trying to be funny. Screech needs a laugh track so that the audience knows when he’s telling a joke which is supposed to be funny, as opposed to simply saying something weird. I agree that playing Corky in the video would have made it far more interesting. Listening to Corky loudly fill up his diaper with dookie or urine, to the point at which it overflows and releases an unpleasant stench would be hilarious as Screech would yell “Zoinks!” and complain about it. Corky would get mad and throw Screech a vicious beating while the cameraman laughs hysterically. Corky would definitely also strangle Screech with his urine- and dookie-filled diaper to make everyone laugh and smile, as Corky is just so darned lovable!
I wonder what it would feel like to walk into a filthy men’s room and see Screech sitting on a chair near the sinks offering me a breath mint or cologne spritz. I would walk up to Screech and fart in his face, just to hear him say, “Zoinks.” Then I would pull down my pants and underwear and would shove Screech’s face up to my ass. I would make him tongue me anus and while he’s doing it, I would force out an enormous wet fart to give Screech something to eat. I would then drop some lint from my pocket into his tip jar and would walk out of the men’s room while laughing to myself. If Screech is still alive and working as an unpaid bathroom attendant somewhere, I would love to do this to him!
I worked with Screech at a Medieval Times in Florida. He didn’t actually work there, but showed up one day and began loitering in the men’s bathroom as an unpaid bathroom attendant. Management didn’t seem to care and he set up a little station with mints and colognes, then harassed our customers. I remember one day near Christmas he was very happy because he’d made nearly $30 in tips from a show. He was prancing around like a real fruit bragging how much money he’d made in 3 hours. It was pretty funny as even a bus boy got paid more than that. When someone told him he was an idiot, and they made about 5 times that he yelled “Zoinks”. Then he got a weird look on his face and said “but I got a few free meals during my shift”. When asked what the hell he was talking about he said “my job is all the farts I can eat!” This grossed out the rest of the employees and also explained why his breath stank like feces. Shortly after Christmas my manager fired Screech and told him to beat it.
I need to set the record straight. I am 94 years old and am not going to live forever. As many of you are aware, I have always been into exercise and have enjoyed outdoor activities such as riding a bicycle or jogging since the 1960s. I was friends with Mr. Drummond in the early 1980s when he would often come into my bike shop to rent bicycles for himself or his adopted children, Arnold and Willis. Arnold got his best friend, Dudley to start renting bikes from me as well. I would give all of my regular customers candy to eat and Mr. Drummond was well aware of this. I would also give them banana split ice cream to eat, as every kid loves ice cream and nobody was lactose intolerant back then. I would let the kids drink grape juice out of wine glasses and we would pretend it was wine, even though it was just juice. We would also watch He-Man cartoons because they kicked ass. Mr. Drummond got insanely jealous and broke into my bike shop with Willis, who was high on crack at the time. They switched out my candy pills with some real pills such as quaaludes, roofies, etc. They also stole my VHS tapes of He-Man cartoons and replaced them with VHS tapes of gay porn which included lots of butt-slamming. Anyhow, after Dudley accidentally ate a real pill which I thought was a candy pill, Mr. Drummond called the cops and coached Arnold and Dudley to lie to the cops. I ended up serving a few years in prison because of that liar, Mr. Drummond! After being released from prison in the 1980s, I was banned from working at a bike shop and took the most boring job as a Maytag Repairman.
Mr. Horton, I always knew you’d been railroaded! The fact you got out of prison, and lived a life with Dudley free of any further trouble was all I needed to prove that. It takes a big man to not seek out revenge on those dastardly Dummond’s! I remember watching the episode as a child and knew Mr. Drummond was insanely jealous all the kids in town wanted to hang out at your bike shop. Mr. Drummond was mad he only had two kids, and had to off their mother to get them! I’ve always wondered if the police ever really took a good look into what happened to Arnold and Willis’s mother?
Mr. Horton, big fan here. Have you ever run into Bigfoot? I feel that a man of your caliber, and esteem, within the US could really help push the Bigfoot community forward if you said you’d seen Bigfoot. It might be even better if you said you’d played “Neptune: King of the Sea” with Bigfoot! I’ve seen Bigfoot a few times and one time he was watching your episode of “Diff’rent Strokes” on an iPad!
Mr. Horton Fanatic, Mr. Drummond died a number of years ago and I think he must be burning in the blazes of hell for what he did to me. I would have loved to have gotten some payback on him when he was alive, but I had eyes on me and didn’t want to violate my parole and revive more prison time, so what could I do? I did manage to prank call him constantly, but that pales in comparison to what he put me through. There were a few years when I would call his house and then rip ass into the phone when I heard him pick up and say “hello.” It is not much, but it made me feel good know that I was annoying him.
My mom married Mr. D (Mr. Drummond) in the mid-1980s and I moved into his penthouse apartment. I had to live with Arnold and Willis. Willis and Arnold were always stealing my lunch money in order to buy drugs. I yelled at them to stop, but Willis threatened to murder me, so I kept my mouth shut. Because I was so scared, I peed my bed on a nightly basis. Arnold and I shared a bunk bed with me on top and Arnold would actually open up an umbrella because he claimed my urine was going to fall onto him! Arnold was a real jerk! Anyhow, the entire Drummond apartment reeked of the stench of urine and Mr. D would get so angry at me and told me I was a loser and a baby and that the only reason he let me live with him is because my mom was a “fine piece of ass”! He actually paid one of his employees, Mr. Brown, to fake kidnap me to try to scare me into behaving better. Mr. Brown looked like professional wrestler Arn Anderson, which I thought was really cool. However, Mr. Brown yelled at me and said I made too much trouble for Mr. D and that I needed to shape up. Mr. D eventually threw Mr. Brown under the bus by calling the police and claiming he didn’t know Mr. Brown! When I returned to the Drummond apartment, Mr. D told me not to run off again and not to let random strangers touch my peepee. Mr. D was a real jerk and an evil man, so I’m glad that Mr. Horton is speaking out about it now!
Sam, that certainly sheds some light on things. Many people found you to be a bit of a turd. Now we know Mr. Drummond was running a real “hell on earth” home, with Arnold and Willis as his henchmen! Many people knew he’d railroaded Mr. Horton, but we were unaware Mr. Brown was one of his employees! Mr. Drummond put out a $50,000 reward, knowing he’d never have to pay it! I bet he did it to impress your mother so he could get some hot anal! As my name suggests I’m a fan of Bigfoot. I’ve heard he’s been spotted a few times in Central Park. Did you ever happen to see him?
Back in 2001 I purchased a copy of “Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess”. I watched it as I wanted to get good at chess to impress this whore I liked. She was into chess guys and had a poster of Bobby Fischer on her wall. Anyhow, I watched this video many times, then entered a tournament. The girl I liked was there and I was really excited. I used the opening Diamond taught, and played just like he taught me. I got beat in 6 moves! Everyone laughed when I lost, including the girl I liked. She wound up leaving with the dude who won the tournament, and when I next saw her she was knocked up with the dudes kid. I blame Screech for this, as his tape of chess tips stank. He would have been better off teaching a tape about something he knew about, like having shit for breath, or huffing farts as a career.
Mr. Horton Fanatic, Dudley and I have been living in Scottsdale, AZ for the past ten years. When I did live in New York City, I never saw any Bigfoot. I walked through Central Park many times. There were often black and Puerto Rican gangs robbing people in the park, but I never saw a Bigfoot.
There are some nice Steve Bartman videos in the new post.
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